Now What?® Coaching

Author: Laura Berman Fortgang

  • Are You Sorry? Really?

    Are You Sorry? Really?

    Here’s a question for you: How many times a day do you find yourself saying, “I’m sorry.” If you took the time to count, I’d wager that many of you are saying those two words more often than you think.

    Here’s my take on this – STOP IT!

    I’m not saying you should abdicate responsibility when you do something wrong. What I am saying is that if you find yourself apologizing all day, every day, it’s time to evaluate why you do this and put a stop to it.

    In my 27 years of coaching, I’ve noticed that this phenomenon is far more common with women. Why do women apologize for things when they didn’t do anything wrong? In many cases it’s because they are highly empathetic. Women often anticipate how others may feel or react and try to preemptively mitigate any damage with an “I’m sorry.”

    The reality of life is that not every conversation with friends, family, or co-workers is going to be easy. You will need to have tough conversations to create and live the life you want. It’s so much easier to have these tough conversations when you release the burden of anticipating how others will react to what you are saying. Everyone is responsible for his/her own reactions and emotions. You’re not responsible for how the other person is going to react to the message that you are delivering!

    I had an assistant for many years who had a habit of starting off statements with an apology. When she needed my assistance, she would say things like, “I’m sorry. Can I have five minutes of your time?” However, as our relationship progressed, I refused to let her apologize. I worked with her on skipping over the “I’m sorry to interrupt you,” or “I’m sorry, I hate to bother you,” and cut to the chase. There’s nothing wrong with simply saying “I have an issue that needs your attention. Please let me know when you have five minutes today to discuss this.”

    Here is a quick and actionable tip you can use if you find yourself struggling with this. Turn that apology into a thank you. Instead of “I’m so sorry, I can’t make that work,” say “Thank you for thinking of me. I’m not going to be able to make that work.” Starting with a “thank you” allows the conversation to stay on equal footing. When you are constantly apologizing, it can make you appear less confident and competent.

    Even if you’re late to a meeting, where it is appropriate to apologize for keeping someone waiting, you can say, “Thank you for waiting. I didn’t mean to be rude by being late. I was caught in traffic.”

    So the next time “I’m sorry” is at the tip of your tongue, pause to evaluate whether an apology is needed. If not, change it into a thank you, and then go about your day knowing that you’re communicating with confidence.

    What situations make you want to apologize?
    Please comment and let me know.

  • Forecast 2021: Holiday Cheer, New Year Fear

    COVID holidays: Happy or sad?  Better or worse?  Do it up or don’t bother?

    Whatever you choose, I wish you some peace this holiday season, and I thank you profusely for being a reader of this publication.   

    From the one page newsletter I printed and mailed by hand every month to the digital age of calling this my blog, it’s been a journey that some of you have been on with me from the start. That does not go unnoticed.  If you’re new, I welcome you and am delighted to have you as a part of our community.

    Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to you all!

    I’m never the first one to make predictions and rarely am I the first to comment on the controversial.  I take my time and assess. I comment when I feel strongly that I should do so.   It’s out of character, then, that I am going to make some predictions for 2021.

    • COVID-19 will obviously still be a factor for many months. The financial implications and employment picture can paint a very scary picture, but I ask you to look at some positives with me.
    • Living anywhere you want is a possibility in 2021.  Remote work will not stop after COVID-19 restrictions ease up.  Not everyone likes it, but when children are back in school, those that liked working remotely will probably be able to keep doing it.  I’ve already had clients move someplace far from where their employer is with their company’s blessing, and that seems to indicate we’ve proven that face time doesn’t equate to productivity.
    • Your mental health, well-being, and physical health will matter more to companies than it has in the past after getting through COVID-19.   We may actually see an increase investment in such, as it’s become obvious how crises can slow down business significantly.
    • The gig economy got some respect during COVID-19 as many states recognized unemployment benefits for the self-employed for the first time.  The gig worker is not going anywhere, and it is how many people will cope with industry changes and being laid off.
    • The hospitality, live-entertainment, and restaurant industry will be back with a vengeance, yet the question remains as to how much damage was done and did these establishments survive long enough to be resuscitated?  I hope we will have fair lending practices to bring back these staples of our social and cultural life we took for granted.
    • The political climate will improve slightly, but the country remains divided, so it will be up to the individuals to reset the tone.   If a pandemic could not bring people together, a war won’t either. I’m reminded of a secular prayer:  Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.  Fear is divisive and creates scarcity. Peace within us requires hard work, but it needs to be done. Do your part in 2021.
    • Climate events will continue to remind us who is in charge. The automobile industry decided to keep moving ahead with the development of clean energy cars despite some restrictions being lifted.  They know that consumer demand is to save the earth, and the need to do so remains.  When we are out of the COVID-19 disruption,  people will think about this again. 

    Allow me to point out that the two months that most of the world was shut down in March and April, the pollution over China, India, and parts of the U.S. was significantly reduced. We can do this. We just have to have the will.

    • We all know that the stock market doing well is not the equivalent of most of this country’s (U.S.) employees doing well.  The experience of financial comfort will keep pushing upward and not reach downward unless policies change. Any opportunity to upgrade your skills and stay relevant is important to keeping your personal economy doing well.  More work will be automated, so remember to upgrade skills that can’t be automated while staying up-to-date with the latest technology.
    We have to remain nimble and not give in to fears. When we are afraid, we tend to freeze up or want to avoid by doing nothing.  Times of great change are times of great opportunity if you are willing to initiate and NOT wait to see how things work out.   We are going to be OK.  Be an imperfect work in progress and keep moving.

    2021 awaits.  Let me know how I can help.

    “If there is to be peace in the world,
    There must be peace in the nations.
    If there is to be peace in the nations,
    There must be peace in the cities.
    If there is to be peace in the cities,
    There must be peace between neighbors.
    If there is to be peace between neighbors,
    There must be peace in the home.
    If there is to be peace in the home,
    There must be peace in the heart.”
    ― Lao-tse

  • Should You Cast a Wider Net?

    In uncertain times, we want to be open to any and all possibilities. It sounds like a logical strategy. Except, it’s not. It’s like being at a shooting range and firing your weapon in all directions hoping one of your shots hits the target.

    Should You Cast a Wider Net Career TransitionA sharp-shooter, an archery master, a martial arts practitioner, even a gymnast, all have to focus their energy into one contained, clear, and accurate attempt at their goal.

    The same goes for figuring out what your next career move or what you want to do with your life.

    There is a time for casting a wide net, experimenting, gathering intel as you network and try things, but when you want results – a job offer, a new career direction altogether, or to achieve a big goal in your own business, it takes attention and singular focus to fully find success.

    In the last few weeks, I’ve been privy to conversations that highlight our tendency to choose safety over our true desires. One client spoke with passion about a training program that would bring him the knowledge and direction to future work that was exciting and challenging.

    He knew what was calling him, but he still brought me an angst-filled conversation about casting a wider net with a different training program to cover all his bases.

    Did he want to spend two years studying in that domain? No. Did that setting even appeal to him? No. He told me no! Then why even have it on the docket?

    Deidre just took a severance package to give herself time to plan the next chapter of her life. She could afford to make a big change. She could even retire if she really wanted to.

    Week after week, we made steady progress on her discoveries towards what mattered to her and what next steps may be.

    And week after week, she would report on jobs friends asked her to interview for that did not yield offers. She was spinning with uncertainty and anxiety.

    She would readily admit that she didn’t really want a new job, but she kept feeling compelled to stay in the game. Why? The devil she knew was better than the unknown future we kept trying to lasso in.

    Stop covering your bases.

    Wider is not better. More is not better when you already know what you want to do. Bearing the discomfort of the unknown comes with great reward. When you know — when the path does become clear – it’s a feeling that will compel you to take action and make your desires come true. Focus on the target and put all your energy THERE.

    Let us know how we can help . . .
  • You’re Being Let Go! Don’t Panic. Do This Instead.

    You’re Being Let Go! Don’t Panic. Do This Instead.

    You’ve been called in to someone’s office and told that you’re being relieved of your post. You are not being walked out the door within the hour, but rather, you have been advised that you are part of upcoming cuts and that you have a couple of weeks before your last day.

    It stings. It hurts. Your anxiety kicks in as your mind races through the images of bills piled up on the kitchen counter and the savings goals you had been working on going to hell.

    You’re Being Let Go! Don’t Panic. Do This InsteadIt’s human nature to want to know why this is happening and to begin gathering as much information as possible to justify, reconcile and absorb what might stabilize the shock. I’m here to warn you that spending the remainder of your employed time processing why this is happening to you is throwing away a great opportunity.

    Inspired by a question on our Now What?® Community Call last month, I want to help you focus on what can make a profound difference to your future while you are still on the job.

    The young woman who posed the question told us that her time in her position was coming to an end. Her first instinct was to find out who knew why this was happening, and if they had anything to do with it. She was naturally upset, confused, and defensive.

    “Don’t get sucked into a drama,” I responded. “Spending your time figuring out who did what and why will waste energy and deprive you of a golden opportunity.”

    She saw immediately how easily she was headed down the drama path. She shifted as we spoke to see that instead, she could use the time to cement relationships she’d been meaning to improve anyway for which she had never had the time.

    She saw that she could gather industry knowledge from colleagues and bosses while she built bridges instead of burning them.

    As she had these conversations, she learned she was liked and that the job really wasn’t a fit, so she felt more confident knowing she would find the next thing AND leave good mojo in her wake.

    If you get this news, should you also start looking for a job right away? Absolutely! However, remember how you leave a room is just as important as the first impression you make upon entering.

    Try to calm your fear and anxiety about the unknown future and make a graceful exit. Network, say goodbye, get advice, share appreciation, and if asked for an exit survey or asked to give feedback, be truthful but gracious.

    “We are letting you go,” does not have to be your cue to rage. It can be your cue to begin strategically reaping the good that’s left from your current role (no stealing please).

    Deal with the emotions outside of work and make the process of finding your next move as strategic as your exit. Let us know how we can help.

  • Unemployment, Civil Unrest, COVID and What It Has to Do with Your Career

    I sincerely hope that you are one of the people who still has a job in the midst of the COVID-19 crisis and the unrest in our country. Whether you do or not, we are going through something epic that the majority of us have no experience with. You’d have to be 100 years old to have lived through the last pandemic. We have not seen this level of unemployment seen since the 1930’s, and current day civil unrest is reminiscent of the 60’s. Facing all of this at once? Unprecedented. There is no roadmap on how to cope with all this.

    A lot of people are understandably overwhelmed and upset. Their lives have been upended, and they are dealing with the pressures of working while juggling family at home. They do not have the breaks that come from kids being in school or summer camp. The deep pain of racism is palpable. Many are furloughed and are fearful that their job may not come back. Finances are in a long hiccup, and relationships are likely feeling the strain. All of this on top of missing friends and family we are not free to see. It’s a lot.

    Let’s face it. For a lot of people, this is a shit show.

    What can you do?

    Remain calm
    While fear can sometimes be a great motivator, try to manage your stress and anxiety. You will make better decisions and handle life’s uncertainty better if you can find a way to settle your mind and nervous system. Try a free meditation app on your phone or computer. Exercise! Try tapping to work with the emotions and thoughts that arise!

    Be Strategic
    Is it time to put the family on a strict budget? Are you in an industry that won’t recover any time soon? If so, how can you pivot? This is a good time to keep networking, whether you need a job or not, to keep yourself in the game, and learn what’s going on in your field.

    Re-examine
    For many, it’s become an opportunity to rethink careers and what you want from them. Does your management style need work? Do your priorities need reshuffling? How are you integrating the recent heightened awareness of systemic racism into your life and work? What are you grappling with in any area of your life? This is the time to examine and evolve.

    Pivot
    If you’re one of the people that has to pivot, the sooner you mourn your loss, the faster you can get on with your next step. Whatever you do, don’t look at your resume for guidance. Next, think about what marketable skills you have (even if they are hobbies). If you’ve long been holding back on making a change, the opportunity is here. You are not looking at a blank slate right now for no reason. It’s time to gather your resources and your courage to make the leap.

    Redefine Opportunity
    If the job market proves difficult, it’s natural to say there are no opportunities and to feel victimized. Now more than ever, opportunity needs to become something you create. Don’t wait for it to become available the usual ways. Redefine opportunity not only as something to attain, but also see the gap as the opportunity.

    The future will not be about returning to normal. The future is evolving, and we will all be doing things a bit differently.

    The upside of chaos is that it shakes things up to reveal new possibilities. It’s those that embrace it and proceed with focus who will bring in the new day successfully.

    Please check out www.NowWhatCoaching.com and www.LauraBermanFortgang.com for more resources

  • The Shifting Landscape

    The Shifting Landscape

    After 9/11, I remember many people feeling that there was no point to their day-to-day activities. Concerns that seemed so crucial a mere week or month before the towers fell now felt meaningless. The loss of lives and the loss of our assumed safety was shattering.

    Within four days of 9/11, my phone and inbox were flooded with inquiries for coaching. People felt life was short and unpredictable, and they would no longer tolerate living a life that ran them into the ground with little satisfaction besides a paycheck.

    The COVID-19 disruption is very different. Where life stopped for the NY Metro area after 9/11, it is now stopped in most of the country and most places in the world. It’s a global pause.

    The Shifting Landscape - The Greatest Reorganization in Most of our Lifetimes

    It’s been an unpredictable, unprecedented stop to almost everything. Pollution has been reduced dramatically due to the halting of manufacturing and travel in the air and on the ground.

    People are hunkered down with their families or have more alone time than they ever bargained for. Buildings and streets are empty to the tune of a haunting silence.

    We are keenly aware of the financial halt. So many jobs lost, so many bottom lines threatened, so many people feeling scared and despair setting in. No matter how badly we crave “normal,” we are still on pause.

    WE ARE STILL ON PAUSE . . .

    However, going back to normal is a misnomer. How long will it be until you are comfortable being in a theater, a sporting event, an office or a school? Lifting the shelter-in-place order does not change the realities of getting infected with or unknowingly carrying this virus.

    So what are we left with? The greatest reorganization in most of our lifetimes.
    How do we want to live? How do we want to care?

    The skies are clear. Are we OK with picking up where we left off? If things continue as they were, it is likely we have less than ten years to save the planet.

    Our bosses never thought working from home could serve the mission and yet, isn’t everyone learning they can do quite a lot without being face-to-face? By now we know if we want to homeschool full time (probably not!).

    Sure, we want our kids to be happy and engaged, but did we really need to have every available time slot taken up by enriching activities? Books, puzzles, games, together time and family meals are pretty enriching, if you ask me. Do you really want to pick up where we left off, or are you ready to make a change?

    The question this time, I think, is deeper than the one that arose from the 9/11 pause. People are not jumping into hyper-drive as they did after 9/11, and more people are questioning deeply as they sit in the pause. It’s been a prompt to examine what makes a life.

    How do we measure it? How would you like to measure it? The threat of terrorism is no small thing, but the threat to hundreds of thousands of lives has given us time to be and to think.

    That “itch” you may feel might be cabin fever, or it could be boredom, but in my experience, boredom is a prompt to create meaning. It’s not that you have nothing to DO that’s bothering you.

    It’s more about not trusting what’s shown up. It’s actually an opportunity to redirect your energy and attention.

    The coaching clients that are showing up now are less panicked than those of September 2001. Feeling at the top of your game and itching for something else? Ready to stand up for what YOU want and make it a reality? Wondering how you got where you are and wanting to press reset? These are the scenarios rising to the top of awareness that are ready to be addressed.

    If they’re yours too, we should talk. The Now What?® program will help. Reach out to me or to one of our Now What?® facilitators, and let’s work together toward that tomorrow you want to create.