Now What?® Coaching

Category: Life Lessons

  • Start With Dessert

    Start With Dessert

    We save the “best for last.” We “treat” ourselves with the satisfying pleasure of tantalizing sweets at the end of the meal. That finishing touch.

    How does our propensity for dessert relate to knowing what’s right for our lives or career?

    Dessert just feels so good as a taste sensation. Career and life satisfaction feels so good too, and we expect it to be the reward of hard work or a good decision. We experience it as a result.

    What if, instead, we interpret that sensation as a guide? What feels good is a sign to keep going in that direction.

    When clients pay handsome dollars to gain clarity by working with me, they want to go right into their analytical thinking, measuring if I can possibly be smart enough to know what they are built to do with their lives. How do I know? What will I do with them that will make them know too?

    Oof. It’s exhausting.

    There is little that is analytical about my process. It’s a process to get you to FEEL again. No deep breathing exercises, no meditation assignments nor long journaling assignments.

    Nothing wrong with those methods, but I support my clients to feel their way out of the lack of clarity through a set of questions. Then, I measure the level of BS in the answers based on how it feels to me and to them. Sound crazy? Maybe, but it works.

    You can start paying attention to how things feel for you right now. Feels good? Proceed. Feels wrong? Nothing will change that and the longer you ignore it, the worse it will get.

    Now for the murky territory: Fear. Fear feels bad. Fear can be a reaction to something that feels good too!

    It feels good to be creative (let’s just say), but fear kicks in right away that it’s not sustainable, or people will not like what you create, or you can’t make time for something not related to your current job.

    In my recent work with a very unhappy career salesperson in their 40’s, he was sure he was ready for a change until he landed on what felt right as a future direction.

    He knew it was right, the exercises we did confirmed it, his financial situation presented no obstacles to the change, BUT he was terrified. What if he failed? What if he wanted to get his job back and couldn’t? What if, what if, what if?

    Dessert was ruined by the fear of gaining weight!

    Nooooooo! Enjoy the dessert. Follow the feeling. Decide by how it feels.

    DISCLAIMER: NO GLUTTONY
  • Are You Sorry? Really?

    Are You Sorry? Really?

    Here’s a question for you: How many times a day do you find yourself saying, “I’m sorry.” If you took the time to count, I’d wager that many of you are saying those two words more often than you think.

    Here’s my take on this – STOP IT!

    I’m not saying you should abdicate responsibility when you do something wrong. What I am saying is that if you find yourself apologizing all day, every day, it’s time to evaluate why you do this and put a stop to it.

    In my 27 years of coaching, I’ve noticed that this phenomenon is far more common with women. Why do women apologize for things when they didn’t do anything wrong? In many cases it’s because they are highly empathetic. Women often anticipate how others may feel or react and try to preemptively mitigate any damage with an “I’m sorry.”

    The reality of life is that not every conversation with friends, family, or co-workers is going to be easy. You will need to have tough conversations to create and live the life you want. It’s so much easier to have these tough conversations when you release the burden of anticipating how others will react to what you are saying. Everyone is responsible for his/her own reactions and emotions. You’re not responsible for how the other person is going to react to the message that you are delivering!

    I had an assistant for many years who had a habit of starting off statements with an apology. When she needed my assistance, she would say things like, “I’m sorry. Can I have five minutes of your time?” However, as our relationship progressed, I refused to let her apologize. I worked with her on skipping over the “I’m sorry to interrupt you,” or “I’m sorry, I hate to bother you,” and cut to the chase. There’s nothing wrong with simply saying “I have an issue that needs your attention. Please let me know when you have five minutes today to discuss this.”

    Here is a quick and actionable tip you can use if you find yourself struggling with this. Turn that apology into a thank you. Instead of “I’m so sorry, I can’t make that work,” say “Thank you for thinking of me. I’m not going to be able to make that work.” Starting with a “thank you” allows the conversation to stay on equal footing. When you are constantly apologizing, it can make you appear less confident and competent.

    Even if you’re late to a meeting, where it is appropriate to apologize for keeping someone waiting, you can say, “Thank you for waiting. I didn’t mean to be rude by being late. I was caught in traffic.”

    So the next time “I’m sorry” is at the tip of your tongue, pause to evaluate whether an apology is needed. If not, change it into a thank you, and then go about your day knowing that you’re communicating with confidence.

    What situations make you want to apologize?
    Please comment and let me know.

  • Life Lessons From A Disney Vacation

    Life Lessons From A Disney Vacation

    Life Lessons From A Disney VacationAfter every holiday gathering, show and fun plan fell apart over the month of December, my family decided to forge ahead with our vacation to Orlando, Florida that we had been looking forward to for months. My young-adult children had their sights set on Disney (15 years after their childhood visit) and we just had to take the (COVID) risk and go.

    The week in the parks put a spotlight on some lessons that might be worth sharing.

    Planning

    I can honestly say that many of my life’s highlights were moments that were unplanned but making dreams come true seamlessly takes a dance of flexibility and structure.

    Getting reservations for meals at Disney is a competition that requires 5:40am wake up calls. Two days of failed attempts did not yield a spot at Cinderella’s Royal Table. We didn’t do that when my twins were six so it was on the 21 year old girl child’s must-do list. By day three of my failed attempts at the most desirable experiences, I had perfected a multiple-tabs-open strategy and landed a perfect dinner reservation in the castle. Whew!

    So planning was key but the unplanned made the experience soar. We were pleasantly surprised that the ridiculously overpriced food was excellent AND that the servers cared so much that they made sure to move us to a window seat for dessert so we could watch the nightly fireworks from inside the castle. Oh my! Magic. My twenty somethings were struck like little kids and mom scored major points.

    Lesson: Prepare AND let go! The magic is in the moment. The preparation creates the moment.

    Values Are Your Guide

    When I planned my wedding, I had a dream location in mind that was a 1940’s supper club. The price was so prohibitive that my budget would’ve allowed ten people at my wedding. I valued being surrounded by loving friends more than the location, so we changed plans.

    Values informed the approach to the parks trip too. Staying on property at Disney comes with perks but I cared more about a) a place to spread out with a family of five (vrbmo) and b) not waiting on lines. The ridiculous system at the parks these days is about paying more for the privilege to skip the lines and yet I played that game. It was worth every dime to me.

    Lesson: Values rule your choices, not marketing

    Humans are thrill-seekers

    It is astounding what we put up with to have a peak experience. Despite some fantastically short waits, our luck ran out on the Star Wars Rise of the Resistance ride. We couldn’t buy our way on or take the single rider line nor plan a fortuitous time to bypass the wait. SO, we waited AND the ride broke down adding to the time stuck in place. But guess what? People behaved. People entertained themselves and each other. Phones sure help pass the time and the ride was WORTH IT.

    Climbing EVEREST, jumping out of a plane, building your body to peak shape—-whatever it is, we endure pain to win the prize.

    Lesson: We will test our own limits to gain a thrill or a perceived prize.

    Surrender Allows Wonder

    By the time you board an attraction at these parks, you’ve done the hard work. (planning, scheming, waiting) You sit down, strap in and prepare to enter the unknown (or relive the familiar waiting to gain something new). Often, it’s more than your senses can absorb.

    Wonder is the key ingredient and the trip begins. Is this why people indulge in psychedelics? Is this why virtual reality is so popular? There is a great adventure in crossing over from anticipation to real-time experience of the unusual and unknown. It’s a visit to the ‘beginner’s mind’ as well—taking in as much as you can, your senses and brain firing on all cylinders, your willingness to stay fully present (unless you are one to need to close your eyes), and landing on the other side assessing your experience. Was it good? What is disappointing? Do you need another turn to catch more of it?

    Lesson: Life can be as thrilling if we mimic this suspension of disbelief

    Last thought: “Is it really a vacation if you have to get up before dawn and have to walk 24K steps a day?”

    Answer: Heck yes! We came home down on the scale after eating anything we wanted and donated a fridge full of midnight snacks we never ate (because we went to bed way before that) and NOBODY CAUGHT COVID!

    Take a lesson and try it on for size.

    * This was by no means meant to be an endorsement or guide to these attractions.
    ** I realize the privilege and ridiculousness of participating in the game.

  • Is Normal What You Really Want?

    Is Normal What You Really Want?

    In New Jersey, COVID restrictions are being lifted and a quick return to  ‘normal’ is unfolding.

    I spent every day of the Memorial Day weekend meeting with different friends and family we haven’t been able to see in over a year. It was fantastic to be with people and enjoy their company and catch up.  It was also a HUGE source of anxiety.

    I may be in the minority, but I don’t want the pace of COVID life to end!

    No commitments on the weekends, plenty of time to work out, very little time spent in traffic or even in my car, together-time with my children and husband and time to cook, crochet, do jigsaw puzzles and redecorate my office.

    I am very aware that I am one of the fortunate people.  We did not lose a loved one to COVID and we did not fall into financial ruin.  For that, I’m utterly grateful. I’m also compassionately aware that those with small kids at home or who were fully isolated during COVID had a whole other experience than I did.

    My gratitude extends to being able to retool my business in such a way that I don’t have to rely on pre-Covid revenue streams if I don’t want to. That freedom and the personal flexibility I described above are the hard-won pivot that I want to keep as life accelerates around me once again.

    How about you?  Do you want your old life back?

    What do you want back?

    and to keep from COVID life?

    What COVID gave me was time to discern what mattered.  It showed me what is clutter and what’s necessary.  In business, it illuminated which activities were worthwhile and mine to master versus those that kept me in limbo as I waited for others to choose me so I could do what I love.

    In my house, I could see what was no longer serving me and had become junk (bye, bye). It also showed me which friendships were deep and which were convenient. It gave me time to lose 32 pounds with focused effort and drop the ‘big lie’ in my own life that held me back, just to name a few changes.

    What COVID gave a spotlight to in my role as an observer of patterns among clients was the many ways in which we use activity to distract us from things that truly make a difference to our health, well-being, and productivity.

    For example, being ‘busy’ is a great way to avoid acting on changing jobs because you’ve stopped growing.  Drama at work or in the family keeps you from working on discovering and processing the triggers that make you want to create (or participate) in the drama in the first place!

    What time and space allow for is awareness, mindfulness, and purpose. Doing things purposefully. Doing things on purpose vs. reacting to hair triggers.

    Modern life makes it hard to be that mindful.  We reward stress. We reward heroic overworking. BUT YOU CAN reverse the Pavolvian response we have to those expectations.

    Stop. Now. While you can still swim, before the current washes you into the barely navigable rapids, take stock.  What do you want to keep from COVID life? Make some new rules. (i.e., only one day/ night of the weekend is scheduled, the other is for spontaneity or nothing) Put some stakes in the ground, even with yourself about exercise, or quiet time, or reading or whatever it is for you.

    Make good use of your time. It’s all you’ve got.

  • How Do You KNOW You’re Making the Right Choice?

    When you’ve been in job search and finally have an offer, or you’re faced with deciding to spend money on a training that could help you in your business, or you’re at a crossroads and aren’t sure which way to go . . . these are just some of the scenarios my clients face when they have to make a big decision. Everyone wants certainty. They want to know their choice will be the right one. They want a guarantee!

    How Do You KNOW You're Making the Right Choice?Life comes with no guarantees. I don’t have to tell you that. Sometimes, we do have those unshakeable, big YES’s that resonate through our mind and body, but most of the time, anxiety and uncertainty make it hard to decide. How can you make a decision you can feel really good about? One where you knew you could step out into the abyss and trust you won’t fall.

    Check out this acronym for CHOICE.
    Criteria – What’s Your Criteria for This Decision?
    I often ask folks who come to me for career clarity support what their criteria is for happiness in a job. Most can’t answer. We may not have thought of it that way. So, I’ll ask now.

    What is your criteria for happiness in a career or job? What is your criteria for investing in your professional or personal growth? What is your personal criteria for making any decision?

    I suggest an easy measure. Is your decision based in fear or love of self? Sure, hard times sometimes means taking a job you’re not thrilled with to have the income, but let’s look at this in the context of ideal conditions. Are you making this choice out of fear:

    Fear that it’s your last chance at something?,that you’re going to make a mistake so you do nothing? and that you’re missing out on something? Making a decision out of fear (unless that fear is a good motivator – like I’m afraid I’ll run out of money so I’ll get a solid foundation again – needs to be recognized and evaluated.

    Have Faith – Have Faith in Yourself
    How often have you let yourself down? Do you have a good track record of making decisions that serve you well? If so, use that to boost your confidence in the current decision.

    If not, think about what you’ve learned from your mistakes. Were you rushed or pressured in making previous decisions? Did you listen to others instead of honoring what you wanted? and get burned through no fault of your own? Keep these things under consideration and build your ability to trust yourself.

    OBSERVE – Observe Your Monkey Mind
    The Buddhists call your noisy inner critic the Monkey Mind. Does your Monkey Mind chatter too much and too loudly?

    Do you find yourself focusing on what you “should” do or not do? The word “should” is a giveaway that you are not thinking about what you want but rather what you think is expected or “better.”

    Also watch for guilt in your decision making. I propose that there are two kinds of guilt. Good guilt and bad guilt. Good guilt is trying to warn you that you might be forming a regret. Like not seeing a friend who is sick when you’re close by. Bad guilt is all the anxiety about whether you were grateful enough for an interview, or if you did the right thing as far as presentation is concerned. It’s back to those “shoulds.”

    INTUITION – Intuition Needs to be Included
    When you lean too heavily on your logical left brain, you exclude your creativity, dreaming mechanism and the possibilitarian* in you is silenced. Trust your gut when making decisions. Read the next step to understand how to know what intuition is and what it feels like.

    CLARITY – Get Clear on What You’re Feeling
    Discernment is key here. Can you feel the difference between fear and intuition in your body? Interviewing people over the years, my observation is that fear is jarring and unsettling, while intuition is calmer. Intuition can be persistent, but the overall feeling is gentle.

    Back in the day, my acting teacher, Kate McGregor Stewart, used to say: “Fear is just excitement without the oxygen.” Feeling the difference between fear and excitement is important too. Yes, you can be experiencing both at the same time, but for the best decision making, it’s helpful to know/feel the difference.

    EVALUATE – Evaluate the Support Your Supporters Give You
    It’s normal to want to bounce your ideas and decisions off of trusted folks in your life. However, it is important to keep in mind that often, our nearest and dearest aren’t always the best supporters because they project their own fears on to you.

    They might say you are crazy for leaving your industry, or that your idea doesn’t have merit. You MUST consider the source of these comments. People come from their own fears and limits and will project them on to you causing you to doubt yourself.

    I’ve observed that when people tell you “you’re crazy,” you’re probably on the right track. You’ve made the other person question their courage, or maybe their status quo and comfort zone depend on what you do. That would cause them to voice their doubt.

    Decisions are hard. Having more knowledge about yourself and how you make them, helps them become easier, more fluid, and produce the best outcomes.

    Ultimately, there are no wrong decisions. Everything is AFGO.

    *Norman Vincent Peale:
    Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see the possibilities — always see them, for they’re always there.

  • The Helplessness of Career Transition

    Day in and day out I talk to people who are on a quest to make a change in their work and, therefore, their lives. With that daily privilege comes a front row seat to all the ways that people get in their own way. I’m a witness to helplessness in career transition and as harsh as this may sound, I think the helplessness is a convenient excuse.

    Lorraine (name changed to protect confidentiality) was part of a COVID purge and was deflated by the swift and unexpected turn of events in her life. Perfectly understandable she had feelings of betrayal and loss. She could withstand unemployment for a while, but she felt paralyzed by the prospect of finding a new job during an economic downturn.

    She admittedly enjoyed some time off, but as the days grew to weeks and then months, she found herself spinning and procrastinating. It was easier to focus on her kids and home projects. She didn’t even want to face the computer and plant herself down to research or apply for jobs online.

    Sound familiar?

    The Helplessness of Career Transition

    Let me offer some different ways of thinking that can help you plant your butt in that seat and put daily action into your job search.
    You must shift from:

    • Victim to Opportunist — What if life’s sideswipe was not something that happened TO you but rather it was something that happened FOR you? This “new-agey” adage is becoming cliché, but it’s so accurate. Seeing yourself as a victim of this circumstance is a waste of time. Instead, realize it’s an opportunity to correct what you may have not liked about your previous post.

    It may be the very kick in the pants you needed to make a change or at least wake you up out of complacency and make you take a good hard look at yourself. What if this really was part of a plan to get you on a path to something better? What will it take for you to see it as an opportunity?

    • Lost to Grounded — So many clients feel lost. I know it’s unsettling but feeling grounded, focused and on a path is instantly available. Adopt a different mindset. Reframe “I’m lost” into “I’m uncomfortable not knowing my destination” or “I’m figuring it out.” Both are more powerful than “I’m lost.” It’s OK to not know where you’re headed as long as you make the work of finding the next thing your current destination. You’re on a path to finding the next thing.

    • Scared to Willing — Fear is normal. It can be a great motivator until it isn’t because it freezes you, making action impossible. All you need is the will. Are you willing to do what it takes to get to the next job? You don’t have to know exactly HOW you’ll get there, but you have to be willing.

    Your thoughts determine your action. If you’re scared and action is zero, “willing” will move you into action. What are you willing to do?

    • Loser to Winner — It is FAR too easy to start believing you’re a loser because you were let go or something came to an end without your permission. I had a conversation yesterday with a man who was let go from his last two jobs. He had a sad sack story and was sliding into the pit of despair.

    I asked him if it was his fault that those two jobs disappeared. The answer was equivocally no. There was no performance-based reason. These were cutbacks due to the policies of the last four years and then COVID. Surprisingly, saying it out loud that his losses were not his direct fault freed him from his “sad” story, and he was very energized as he told me his thoughts about the changes in his industry that led to the cuts.

    He left the conversation with some clarity about where he could find new opportunities just by changing his MIND!

    Helplessness is a result of not having practice. Who practices being unemployed? Nobody. There is no preparation training or even discussion about it. It likens to a tabu disease that evokes shame as if it were your recklessness that brought it on.

    If you get no practice for being in between jobs (we hope you don’t have practice!), then how should you know how to cope? You don’t. Therefore, what’s required is more discipline and structure than you had when you were in a job. You have to create that for yourself.

    Help yourself because it makes you MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE as a candidate for employment. Would you hire the sad, helpless person, or the one who exudes well-being and clarity about their value?

    Hmmmm. Come on, hop to it! You’re not helpless. Use your resourcefulness the way you would if this were a fun creative project you had to figure out. Pretend, if you have to. A new opportunity awaits.