Now What?® Coaching

Author: Laura Berman Fortgang

  • When Mom Comes Out of Quarantine

    When Mom Comes Out of Quarantine

    Oh My God! COVID-19 is no joke, folks.

    COVID-19 moved through four of my five family members, including me, in the last month at a rapid pace. From my oldest son, to my husband, to my youngest son and then to me after I played short order cook and butler to my crew of three quarantined men. I got hit with the most severe symptoms including fever, chills and a migraine headache that wouldn’t quit. It was bad. I don’t wish it on anyone.

    In the fog of being sick, I had zero s#&@s to give. I had feverish delusions of living in the future only to have to back up to live in the present (symbolic lesson? Hmmm). I had no ability or motivation to keep up with work. I knew I had a new person coming in to help my almost 85-year-old mom, and I could surrender to her starting without my guidance or input. My husband was doing an amazing job keeping everyone in the house fed (all were out of quarantine but me by this time).

    WHEN MOM COMES OUT OF QUARANTINE from COVID

    And then, I turned the corner. I started feeling better. I was not “back,” but with three symptom-free days and quarantine officially over, I emerged from my sick room.

    Oh MY GOD.

    Life stood still. Nothing had moved. The packages that were supposed to go out were still in the same spot. Coats were left where they were two weeks ago. My plants were dead. The kitchen floor was littered with two weeks’ worth of crumbs. The kitchen tablecloth was stained, and my tulips from Passover/Easter week were naked stems in a pot. It was surreal. I felt like I was walking through two weeks in slow motion.

    I had felt very well taken care of during quarantine – receiving food, drink and symptom-checks in the comfort of my bed, and I didn’t really care what was going on outside my door. Everything seemed in order. Little did I know that chaos was the true state of things. Nobody cared, and I only cared when I had to see it. Is it chaos if it doesn’t adversely affect anyone?

    It does not gratify me in the least to see that my presence makes a difference to the flow and efficiency of my home. It’s long been a pain point for me that my family is not naturally fastidious when it comes to keeping a neat and orderly home. It’s a battle I’ve fought. It eventually became a battle I was just not willing to take on over and over again.

    These two COVID-19 weeks showed me where my business needs reinforcement in case I ever drop out like this again, and on the home front, I was once again shown that I have a higher need for order than the rest of my family. What’s changed is that re-entering the world after two weeks made me see it’s not personal. It is SO not personal. I see that more clearly now, and it will help me be less reactive in the future. I’ve always taken it personally. COVID-19, and its no S#*@s to give, was a great teacher. (I’m not looking forward to vaccine #2. I’d like no more teaching!)

  • How Do You KNOW You’re Making the Right Choice?

    When you’ve been in job search and finally have an offer, or you’re faced with deciding to spend money on a training that could help you in your business, or you’re at a crossroads and aren’t sure which way to go . . . these are just some of the scenarios my clients face when they have to make a big decision. Everyone wants certainty. They want to know their choice will be the right one. They want a guarantee!

    How Do You KNOW You're Making the Right Choice?Life comes with no guarantees. I don’t have to tell you that. Sometimes, we do have those unshakeable, big YES’s that resonate through our mind and body, but most of the time, anxiety and uncertainty make it hard to decide. How can you make a decision you can feel really good about? One where you knew you could step out into the abyss and trust you won’t fall.

    Check out this acronym for CHOICE.
    Criteria – What’s Your Criteria for This Decision?
    I often ask folks who come to me for career clarity support what their criteria is for happiness in a job. Most can’t answer. We may not have thought of it that way. So, I’ll ask now.

    What is your criteria for happiness in a career or job? What is your criteria for investing in your professional or personal growth? What is your personal criteria for making any decision?

    I suggest an easy measure. Is your decision based in fear or love of self? Sure, hard times sometimes means taking a job you’re not thrilled with to have the income, but let’s look at this in the context of ideal conditions. Are you making this choice out of fear:

    Fear that it’s your last chance at something?,that you’re going to make a mistake so you do nothing? and that you’re missing out on something? Making a decision out of fear (unless that fear is a good motivator – like I’m afraid I’ll run out of money so I’ll get a solid foundation again – needs to be recognized and evaluated.

    Have Faith – Have Faith in Yourself
    How often have you let yourself down? Do you have a good track record of making decisions that serve you well? If so, use that to boost your confidence in the current decision.

    If not, think about what you’ve learned from your mistakes. Were you rushed or pressured in making previous decisions? Did you listen to others instead of honoring what you wanted? and get burned through no fault of your own? Keep these things under consideration and build your ability to trust yourself.

    OBSERVE – Observe Your Monkey Mind
    The Buddhists call your noisy inner critic the Monkey Mind. Does your Monkey Mind chatter too much and too loudly?

    Do you find yourself focusing on what you “should” do or not do? The word “should” is a giveaway that you are not thinking about what you want but rather what you think is expected or “better.”

    Also watch for guilt in your decision making. I propose that there are two kinds of guilt. Good guilt and bad guilt. Good guilt is trying to warn you that you might be forming a regret. Like not seeing a friend who is sick when you’re close by. Bad guilt is all the anxiety about whether you were grateful enough for an interview, or if you did the right thing as far as presentation is concerned. It’s back to those “shoulds.”

    INTUITION – Intuition Needs to be Included
    When you lean too heavily on your logical left brain, you exclude your creativity, dreaming mechanism and the possibilitarian* in you is silenced. Trust your gut when making decisions. Read the next step to understand how to know what intuition is and what it feels like.

    CLARITY – Get Clear on What You’re Feeling
    Discernment is key here. Can you feel the difference between fear and intuition in your body? Interviewing people over the years, my observation is that fear is jarring and unsettling, while intuition is calmer. Intuition can be persistent, but the overall feeling is gentle.

    Back in the day, my acting teacher, Kate McGregor Stewart, used to say: “Fear is just excitement without the oxygen.” Feeling the difference between fear and excitement is important too. Yes, you can be experiencing both at the same time, but for the best decision making, it’s helpful to know/feel the difference.

    EVALUATE – Evaluate the Support Your Supporters Give You
    It’s normal to want to bounce your ideas and decisions off of trusted folks in your life. However, it is important to keep in mind that often, our nearest and dearest aren’t always the best supporters because they project their own fears on to you.

    They might say you are crazy for leaving your industry, or that your idea doesn’t have merit. You MUST consider the source of these comments. People come from their own fears and limits and will project them on to you causing you to doubt yourself.

    I’ve observed that when people tell you “you’re crazy,” you’re probably on the right track. You’ve made the other person question their courage, or maybe their status quo and comfort zone depend on what you do. That would cause them to voice their doubt.

    Decisions are hard. Having more knowledge about yourself and how you make them, helps them become easier, more fluid, and produce the best outcomes.

    Ultimately, there are no wrong decisions. Everything is AFGO.

    *Norman Vincent Peale:
    Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see the possibilities — always see them, for they’re always there.

  • The Helplessness of Career Transition

    Day in and day out I talk to people who are on a quest to make a change in their work and, therefore, their lives. With that daily privilege comes a front row seat to all the ways that people get in their own way. I’m a witness to helplessness in career transition and as harsh as this may sound, I think the helplessness is a convenient excuse.

    Lorraine (name changed to protect confidentiality) was part of a COVID purge and was deflated by the swift and unexpected turn of events in her life. Perfectly understandable she had feelings of betrayal and loss. She could withstand unemployment for a while, but she felt paralyzed by the prospect of finding a new job during an economic downturn.

    She admittedly enjoyed some time off, but as the days grew to weeks and then months, she found herself spinning and procrastinating. It was easier to focus on her kids and home projects. She didn’t even want to face the computer and plant herself down to research or apply for jobs online.

    Sound familiar?

    The Helplessness of Career Transition

    Let me offer some different ways of thinking that can help you plant your butt in that seat and put daily action into your job search.
    You must shift from:

    • Victim to Opportunist — What if life’s sideswipe was not something that happened TO you but rather it was something that happened FOR you? This “new-agey” adage is becoming cliché, but it’s so accurate. Seeing yourself as a victim of this circumstance is a waste of time. Instead, realize it’s an opportunity to correct what you may have not liked about your previous post.

    It may be the very kick in the pants you needed to make a change or at least wake you up out of complacency and make you take a good hard look at yourself. What if this really was part of a plan to get you on a path to something better? What will it take for you to see it as an opportunity?

    • Lost to Grounded — So many clients feel lost. I know it’s unsettling but feeling grounded, focused and on a path is instantly available. Adopt a different mindset. Reframe “I’m lost” into “I’m uncomfortable not knowing my destination” or “I’m figuring it out.” Both are more powerful than “I’m lost.” It’s OK to not know where you’re headed as long as you make the work of finding the next thing your current destination. You’re on a path to finding the next thing.

    • Scared to Willing — Fear is normal. It can be a great motivator until it isn’t because it freezes you, making action impossible. All you need is the will. Are you willing to do what it takes to get to the next job? You don’t have to know exactly HOW you’ll get there, but you have to be willing.

    Your thoughts determine your action. If you’re scared and action is zero, “willing” will move you into action. What are you willing to do?

    • Loser to Winner — It is FAR too easy to start believing you’re a loser because you were let go or something came to an end without your permission. I had a conversation yesterday with a man who was let go from his last two jobs. He had a sad sack story and was sliding into the pit of despair.

    I asked him if it was his fault that those two jobs disappeared. The answer was equivocally no. There was no performance-based reason. These were cutbacks due to the policies of the last four years and then COVID. Surprisingly, saying it out loud that his losses were not his direct fault freed him from his “sad” story, and he was very energized as he told me his thoughts about the changes in his industry that led to the cuts.

    He left the conversation with some clarity about where he could find new opportunities just by changing his MIND!

    Helplessness is a result of not having practice. Who practices being unemployed? Nobody. There is no preparation training or even discussion about it. It likens to a tabu disease that evokes shame as if it were your recklessness that brought it on.

    If you get no practice for being in between jobs (we hope you don’t have practice!), then how should you know how to cope? You don’t. Therefore, what’s required is more discipline and structure than you had when you were in a job. You have to create that for yourself.

    Help yourself because it makes you MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE as a candidate for employment. Would you hire the sad, helpless person, or the one who exudes well-being and clarity about their value?

    Hmmmm. Come on, hop to it! You’re not helpless. Use your resourcefulness the way you would if this were a fun creative project you had to figure out. Pretend, if you have to. A new opportunity awaits.

  • A Horribly Good Year

    A Horribly Good Year

    2020. The world was knocked off its axis. Humans, once again, had to be reminded that they are not in charge. Mother Nature nearly stopped the whole globe with a virus. The pollution over India, China, and the West Coast of the U.S. was almost non-existent as we learned that we actually do know how to stop global warming if we could care more about life than money for a month or two a year.

    2020. The disparity of the worst and the best in people, and the best and the worst personal circumstances. Many are barely keeping their spirit from breaking due to the traumatizing losses this year has brought:

    loss of life, of health, of companionship, of employment, of the freedom to move about, and the loss of food security in what is supposedly my “richest country in the world.”  Many of us have been brought to our knees, and if we have an ounce of awareness that life has been far from “normal” we couldn’t help but be transformed by 2020.

    Certainly, my wardrobe has been transformed to become two sizes bigger, but in all seriousness, I count myself among the lucky because everyone in my life have stayed healthy despite a few positive COVID tests around us.

    We are all still here. “Still here” also means my young, adult and almost-adult children are under my roof stopped in their tracks just as they were experiencing the start of college and for my eldest child, the early momentum of his chosen career. Dead stop. Online classes and the lack of work opportunities have been hard. “But we have our health,” I tell them. (Perspective does not come easy when you’re young and hungry to experience the world.)

    My 2020 was not off to a great start even before COVID. Several avenues I was expecting to be available to me after spending a year running for political office were not welcoming me with open arms. New book? Nope. Ongoing work with one of my favorite customers? Nope.

    Now what?! I started down the path of bringing my skill set back to the corporate sector (vs. the public) and doors began to open. Then, after a fun March day in NYC catching a matinee with a dear friend – BAM – the world closed. It was not a good time, but I will be grateful for this year for a long time.

    There were a lot of silver linings from the chaos of this year. As I said in my prediction article for 2021, remote work will outlast this crisis. I’ve worked from home since the 1990s, but what was different and what I want to remember is the pace. I’ve LOVED staying put on a daily basis. Not running to meetings gave me more time overall.

    The slower pace translated into business being slow as people and companies struggled to figure out how to navigate a COVID world. However, I followed my own advice (after spending March on the couch) recognizing that this was an opportunity and not a catastrophe.

    That allowed for some business pivots, planning and sales results that I’m very pleased with, and it would not have happened if it weren’t for the world standing still.

    2020. Holidays. I finally experienced why I don’t quite succeed year after year at enjoying the holiday season as I’d like to despite preparing earlier and earlier every year. It required no parties, no guests, no shopping in person and no obligations! I do miss seeing people, but the lack of stress was mind-bending. How to achieve that when all the hoopla comes back? I’ll be pondering that.

    I’m compelled to share what made me especially giddy this holiday season. I baked. More specifically, I mastered biscotti after some tutoring from an Italian cooking wizard friend, AND I watched at least one Hallmark Christmas movie every single night! They are awful – and wonderful! Even my very anti-Hallmark husband joined in as we nightly predicted the plots, the scripted lines, and what time the eventual kiss would happen (usually five to ten minutes before the end!) We even came up with a drinking game, but I have to protect my reputation and not tell you what it was. All that to say it was THE BEST holiday season I’ve had in a long time.

    2020 delivered even more by showing me the power of focus and consistency. I’ve always had enough focus to succeed, but with so many pieces dropping out of the picture this year, it became painfully clear how I distract myself to a fault. I’m putting the infrastructure in place now to allow me more freedom like I’ve had lately, when life speeds up again.

    This year also produced a significant mindset shift. On June 1st, I signed up to do online weight training every day for thirty minutes. I turned from flab to muscle again (Hello! I missed you) and with that came a mindset shift. Consistency (not perfection) became my game, and it paid off.

    Moving that consistency every day into my work (even though there wasn’t much going on) progressed into some great insight, risk taking and harnessing energy to get new results. The takeaway is processing that it’s not the big hit right away that marks success, but rather focusing on the ultimate goal by doing more of the right things, more consistently.

    So, 2020 was horrible but it grew me, and I know it grew you. We had to look at ourselves in the mirror because there was just no way to get away from ourselves. We were forced to examine everything, including the cracks in our ceilings (home repairs went up in 2020).

    For some, there were very bad things to contend with. For a lot of us, we found out if we really liked our kids (oh, admit it), their schooling, our work, our partner, our belongings and our assumptions about race, politics and world events. Everything! Hopefully, you still like your peeps, but I know you’ve been changed. We will all be better people for all we’ve been through.

    What I will be most grateful about 2020 was the time. The time to think, to create, to imagine, the time for gatherings at the dinner table every night and yes, the damn Hallmark movies!

  • When Someone Else Gets What You Want

    It was my first summer stock season after graduating college, and I had been cast in a five-show season where I would not get to perform the leading role I was chosen for until the fifth and final show. 

    It was a dream role (the Priscilla Lopez role in A Day in Hollywood, A Night in the Ukraine, for fellow enthusiasts).  Meanwhile, I diligently served in the ensemble/chorus of each show, worked in the costume shop, and was a valued team player.

    When the time came for my long-anticipated show, the directorial staff decided that they would split MY performances between me and another actress who had not been featured in a lead during the season.  This actress happened to be my roommate that summer.

    I was 22 years old, and let’s just say I did not take it well.  It was hard to hide my disappointment. Rumors began flying about my reaction and people took sides, pitting me and my roommate against each other.  I eventually came around and shared as graciously as I could, but the damage had been done.

    I was ashamed at my initial reaction; I also questioned my talent since the staff had so easily dismissed everything I contributed while waiting for my turn (so much for contracts in non-union theater). It was not the perfect culmination of a summer season of hard work that I had expected.

    Let’s compare this to you in your workplace or you as an entrepreneur, seeing your competitor achieve something you still hope for.

    Jealousy will likely rear its ugly head if someone with less experience gets the promotion you worked for.  I’ve said it before, but after you feel all the “feels,” it’s prudent to ask yourself (and maybe the hiring entity) some tough questions like, “What do I have to do to win the next promotion?”  “What did this person have/do that I didn’t do (yet)?”

    Fight your primal instinct to perceive scarcity.  If you are an entrepreneur in the online space, there are plenty of buyers. You just have to get better at reaching them.  In a job setting, you may not experience upward mobility, but it doesn’t mean it’s not there or that you couldn’t use your current workplace to catapult you to upward mobility elsewhere.

    Watch the story you create about what this disappointment means. I alluded to my own experience of doubting my talent and believing that maybe that was why management had cut my role.  What happened is a FACT.

      What you make it mean is your interpretation.  Can you change your interpretation (without being delusional) so you can get back to business?

    Grace under fire is a high order, but it’s something leaders embody. There’s a time to speak out, and there’s a time to pull it together and take the high road.  It was hard for my cast to unsee (or not gossip about) my meltdown no matter how much I tried to repair the damage it had caused.  Take 24 hours before responding to a critical email or a disappointment. 

    Create allies rather than enemies.  There is some instant gratification in making someone the villain in your story or to blaming somebody for your disappointment.   It helps you have a justification, and it’s less crushing to blame something or someone outside of yourself than it is to look inside. 

    Not everything is your fault, nor should you beat yourself up, but reclaiming your better self from the hurt/raging part of you will smooth the road to whatever is next.  Does a temper tantrum get you a recommendation if you leave? Does it build your reputation as someone others would want to work with? Those are the things to consider before lashing out and creating enemies in your wake.

    In very distant hindsight, I’d say my 22-year-old self was far too accommodating, and therefore, nobody thought I’d have a problem being a “sweetheart” and sharing the role I sought out, kicked butt at in auditions, and waited all summer to perform.  I still wish I had been able to take the news more gracefully, but over the years, I’ve seen where both my competence and flexibility have hurt me

    . From what I’ve learned, I’m now conscious of when to say no and when to avoid overextending myself. I’ve also decided what behavior represents me and what behavior might be effective (like bullying) but is not what I want to embody.

    What is meant for you?  When we see our career or business as something with a long tail, we can absorb disappointments more easily than if we measure each action or opportunity as the end all and be all.  If it was supposed to be yours, it would’ve been.  Yeah, that over-simplifies things a bit, but it does lessen the blow and allow you to pivot or get on to the next bold move more quickly.

    Maybe the friends from that summer all blocked out the trauma of my disruption, or maybe it’s truly forgotten because they too have matured.  Whichever it is, the key to maintaining a positive career trajectory, even through bitter disappointments, is to realize that they are not the end of the road.
    They are a sign post pointing toward your ultimate destination. So, get back on the road and keep evolving!

    Let us know how we can help.

  • The Twilight Zone: The Worst of Times Can Be the Best of Times

    Twilight by definition is the sunlight scattering above and below the atmosphere so that Earth’s surface is neither completely lit nor completely dark. It’s the “in-between.” The time where it can go either way, light or dark, depending on your position on the earth’s surface.

      In a time in our history where nature is battling against man-made conditions and men and women are having to adapt to climate crises, COVID-19, economic dissonance, and a dizzying daily news cycle, we seem to teeter on the edge of circumstances and our own capacity to deal with them.

    Pay cuts, job loss, home-schooling, and costly and scary climate events are all enough to make you want to assume the fetal position and never come out from under the covers. Sometimes, you just have to say it’s all too much and take a day off.

      But, when you return—when you show up to your life the next day, there is no room to cling to the cloak of doom.  You have to shed it and enter the light side of the “Twilight Zone.”

    Can we hold both the good and the bad at the same time? Being scared and doubtful while still having a vision for a great future and the confidence to get there? 

    I think we can, and  human history shows that we have many times over.  It’s just new for a lot of us.

    COVID-19 has given us an opportunity.   Yes, there are challenges too, but if you no longer have a commute, in person events,  and a busy social life, you have more time. More hours and more mental space for reflection and even innovation.  Yes, innovation.  Your work, your life, and your business can all benefit from this pause, even when it’s incredibly scary and uncertain.

    It’s time to pivot.  It’s time to create.
    In these last several months, my coaching clients have created:
    • A legacy project (while remaining employed) that engages his passions and will serve others for years to come
    • A full reinvention from corporate leader to purposeful community leader
    • Strong habits and business practices that increased revenues for two solopreneurs
    • A job exit plan with a new venture in the wings
    • Strategy and investment in a scale-up and COVID pivot for one business

    What does it take? Simply the willingness to face the problem.  Avoidance is our greatest enemy. The sooner we face the challenge and tell the truth, the less elusive the solution will become.  Clarity will come.

    For those unemployed, furloughed, or concerned that there has been permanent irreversible disruption to your life, you too must face your reality. Don’t wait. Create an “in the meanwhile” opportunity. Maybe get into something you’ve always wanted to do.

    This is not a time to play it safe and wait out the pandemic. Whether you are an employee or running your own show, this is a time to be BOLD.  Chaos calls for leadership, and you get to choose the light and lead.  Fear is normal. Darkness is easy to succumb to. It makes you want to go to sleep! But don’t. Now is not the time to sleep. 

    Stay awake, watch for the inner prompts that arise from a slower schedule, and act. Lean into the light of the twilight.

    Let us know how we can help.