by Now What?® Coaching Founder, Laura Berman Fortgang
After speaking to one-thousand people at a conference complete with Q&A and spending a weekend with retreat participants who had life-changing ah-ha’s, one question that stuck with me in the two weeks hence was: “Is it OK to be content?”
Asked of me by someone in my career clarity and life direction workshop, my answer was ‘of course, ’ but the question lingered. It made me consider that the answer is conditional. Being content is a great thing; however, I’ve also observed it can be an avoidance technique. I’ve only met a few people in my lifetime who seemed truly content when they said they were. The rest of the people said they were content as if they were giving up. There’s a difference between not wanting anything because you’re content and not wanting anything because you don’t think you can have it.
Do we have to be pursuing something? Do we have to have goals? Do we have to be improving ourselves in some way all the time? Absolutely not! And I mean that.
At the same time, I see contentment like hunger. You can eat without stuffing yourself and stop at the point where you are just sated. Eventually, you will get hungry again. That’s how I see human growth and potential. There’s always something to explore or want. It’s OK to coast sometimes, it’s OK to have priorities other than your own fulfillment (if you have children or a demanding job (paid or unpaid) you know that for sure), but eventually there will be a longing. It’s the price we pay for being human.
Are YOU content?
Do you feel tremendous gratitude for your life?
Do you feel relative ease with the decisions on your plate now?
Do you feel at peace with yourself despite any shortcomings?
Do you have virtually nothing in your life that disrupts that peace?
Do you feel buoyed and connected to yourself, others and life?
If you answered yes to all of those, you are in the minority and you are to be congratulated. Does that automatically put the rest of us in discontent? Not necessarily. But if you say you’re content, it doesn’t mean you will be without wants. It just means you are OK with or without getting what you desire.
The woman who asked me the question cried a lot over the weekend and blamed me for ‘doing that to [her]’. She said she was content until she sat through the weekend.
Content? Maybe. But more likely previously numb because the truth was too much to bear.
I am sympathetic. Change is frightening and not knowing how to change something is even more isolating and scary.
Mahatma Gandhi said: “Healthy discontent is the prelude to progress.”
It is OK to be content. It’s wonderful. I wish it for us all. But if we’re not, it’s better to be honest about it and realize that it’s not something to be afraid of. “The only way out is through.”*
*Robert Frost
Change is scary. People paralyze themselves by looking at all the options without ever taking the first step.
That’s why a career transition can’t be done in a couple of coaching calls.
Sustainable change happens over a period of time.
So true, Steve. Thanks for commenting.
Dear Laura,
Thanks for passing on these insights. Very well put. I do agree that its part of the human condition that throughout one’s life it is normal to feel a sense of hunger for new wants or desires, even if for the love of a new challenge to pursue. At the same time, one can be simultaneously content and at peace with their current state.
Thank you, Laura for a wonderful message. I have been thinking a lot about this question recently as my work life is softening & I have more time for creative activities. This year I turned 71 and I am just beginning to truly feel content – and I am filled with gratitude for all the great experiences & relationships on my life!
Warm regards, Jane
Really true, Laura! Very well said.
I think so many people have to get comfortable with wanting something and yet not be attached to having to have it so they can “be ok.” When they are attached to having to have it to “be ok,” the potential disappointment of not getting it is no longer about the thing that they want but about being ok in general. They play it safe only wanting what they think they can get or shut down their “wanting” all together out of fear. That kind of “contentment” is the mask they use to avoid the disappointment and hence the loss of all hope of “being ok.”
One of the questions I like to ask is, “What would you let yourself want if you didn’t have to feel bad about not getting it?” It starts to open up a discussion around detaching their “ok-ness” from things outside of themselves.
Great article.
Mmmmm. Beautiful, Roger.
Jane,
So good to ‘hear’ you. I have such fond memories of the early coaching years in NYC. I’m 51. I’ll be watching your example as long as you keep sharing it with me. Love that you are beginning to feel truly content. Yum!
I do appreciate you, Laura! You always make me think…. too much! 🙂
Jeff,
I don’t mean to be cruel. But I truly live to make people think.
I don’t need to be right about it, I just want to stir the pot a bit.
Bravo to you! and thanks for telling me.
L
Hi Laura,
As a fellow career coach, your article really struck a chord. If the woman referenced in your article felt truly content, she would not be “blaming” you for anything.
Seth Kaufman
Seth,
Thanks. We are on the same page. Everyone gets there in their own time. Thanks.