Now What?® Coaching

Tag: Change is hard

  • You Asked, You Got, Then Came Trouble

    by Now What?® Coaching Founder, Laura Berman Fortgang

    Have you ever had the experience of setting out to make a positive change in your life, only to have it start an avalanche of changes that scares andAvalanches  overwhelms you?

    A few of my clients have had this experience lately and I’ve seen it a lot over the years.

    Sometimes the avalanche of change is full of desirable things piggy-backing on the positive step you wanted to make in the first place. Other times, the avalanche is more saboteurial in nature, distracting you from where you really want to go. Both can derail you. Read on to find out how to keep it in check.

    IS THIS YOU?: THE HAPPY AVALANCHE

    You’ve been miserable for a long time. You know you want to make a move, and even know what it is, but you are not sure how you would do it or what it would look like exactly . You take a chance, hire a coach, quickly get clear and start taking scary steps. Suddenly, everything you want and more than you could ever dream of starts to pour in—Miraculous coincidences, lucky moves, desires fulfilled! What to do?

    Believe it or not, most people know to be grateful, but there is something very unsettling about the floodgates opening up. People start behaving like they’re drowning. Overwhelmed, breathless, and the opportunities are forcing them to grow and make decisions at an alarming rate, somewhat in a panic. Often, this happens while simultaneously trying to complete the old job, task, or relationship you are letting go of.

    ACTION ONE: Breathe!

    Slow down the pace of change simply by relaxing into your body. Breathe more deeply, walk more slowly, take the time to answer thoughtfully. Don’t get swept up in the wave.

    ACTION TWO: Make peace with failure

    If you’re not perfect keeping up your old activities as you navigate the new, forgive yourself. Delegate what you can. Do what’s most important, but let it be OK if something falls through the cracks. That goes for the new adventure too. Certainly, striking while the iron is hot is important but know that you are learning and that there will be unexpected turns. Forgive yourself.

    ACTION THREE: Stop being a Lone Ranger

    Change is hard. You don’t have to do it alone. Sometimes it comes so fast, we don’t feel we have time to reach out, but reach out you must. A mentor in your new chosen endeavor, friends who can just listen or help, or even a hired assistant to temporarily do some grocery shopping, chores, errands or child wrangling if possible. If you’re working with a coach, use them well during the avalanche.

    IS THIS YOU? THE SABOTEUR AVALANCHE

    You’ve been ready to explode for a long time or maybe you’ve gotten sick of hearing yourself complain so you hired a coach and got going trying to forge new directions. Clarity starts to come because you start admitting to yourself out loud what you really want for yourself. You work hard to start moving in that direction, thwarting old habits and traps, things start looking hopeful and then BAM! small disasters start happening. You catch a flu bug, someone dear passes away, your job gets more demanding leaving no time for yourself and you’re a victim of identity theft. Yea, it’s not OR it’s AND. The saboteur avalanche doesn’t mess around. It’s usually not just ONE thing that gets in the way. What do you do?

    I do find that people who have been holding off doing what they know they need to do for many years, tend to have the nastier avalanche. However, it’s important not to blame yourself. CHAOS is how the world reorganizes itself. And it happens. You did not DO anything to bring this on. The test is not whether you caused it, but rather, how you deal with it.

    ACTION ONE: Breathe (funny—the same for both types)

    Slow your breath to get a grip on the changes.

    ACTION TWO: Don’t take it personally

    Stuff happens. Don’t let it erode your sense of self. Watch how you talk to yourself in your head. Stop blaming yourself or thinking disparaging things. Do whatever you can to not ADD to the DRAMA. As you talk to others and as you deal with the losses or changes, try to remain neutral. If you editorialize and overdramatize, you add fuel to the fire by whacking out your adrenal glands and making your body remain in the stressed state too long -Tough for getting your wits about you and persevering.

    ACTION THREE: DO NOT give up

    Too many times, I see people give up. Like being in the Indy 500 and just pulling over to quit, you’re more likely to get seriously hurt. Yes, timing is a factor and sometimes it pays to wait, but when the nasty avalanche happens, it’s not a sign that you were NOT meant to have what you want or that you were heading in the wrong direction. It is just a BIG nasty test to see how badly you want what you say you want.

    DO NOT GIVE UP. NO matter which kind of avalanche shows up, do one small thing a day (or at least a few times a week!) to keep moving in the new direction. It will pay off.

    Change is hard. That’s why most people don’t do it. But you ARE doing it, and that deserves applause. BRAVO! Now get to work.

  • To Quit or Not To Quit

    by Now What?® Coaching Founder, Laura Berman Fortgang

    5881919To quit or not to quit?  That is the question.

    Maybe you’ve been thinking of quitting your job, quitting your current job search or giving up on your dream.  You probably feel bad just entertaining the thought.  If you feel bad about it, is that a sign that you stay put? How does somebody know if quitting is the right thing? It’s so hard!

    There’s always the pros/cons list if you want to rely on logic.  But, you see, logic will likely be overrun by fear, so we have to rule that out.  We probably can’t trust your gut at this point either, because the jittery butterflies make it hard to get an accurate read.

    Then, HOW DO YOU KNOW????

    Imagine you are out shopping for a new suit or pair of shoes.  Would you make the purchase if the item did not fit you?  Probably not, unless of course, you were totally desperate and had no choice because you had an event in the morning and the stores are closing in five minutes.

    If whatever you are considering quitting doesn’t ‘fit’ you anymore, you have to be honest with yourself.  Yes, there are consequences, and maybe you can have the suit altered or the shoes12514690 RED SHOES stretched, but pay close attention to how you feel.  Is the energy in your body shutting down and feeling like a ‘no’ when you think of staying with the current course?  Is your energy a ‘YES’ when you imagine yourself quitting and on to the next thing?

    This can be a little confusing too, because newness is exciting.  The ‘Yes’ energy can’t always be trusted if you are one to chase after the nearest, new shiny object like a bee dances from flower to flower in the summer looking for pollen.  However, if you are honest with yourself, know that the ‘YES’ feeling (as scary as it may be) is not just the escape from the hard work of something, then you have your answer.  It’s time to move on.

    If the thing you are considering quitting still has ‘YES’ in it, despite it’s challenges, you have to stay and recommit.

    Change is hard any way you slice it.  Whether you have to recommit and stay or you are ready to quit and forge a new path, it won’t be all sunshine and rainbows.  But the idea has to give your body a ‘YES’ the way a metal detector would go BEEP when it’s hit upon a treasure.

    I recently worked with an unemployed lawyer who was very unhappy with his line of work and who had a very clear idea of what else he’d like to do.  The internal battle was all about logic—where the money would come from, which he was more qualified to do, and which would be most easily accessible.  Logic was winning, but the energy (and therefore action) was very low when it came to the job search of new legal work.  The energy was very high for the new thing but fear stopped him.  The answer was clear, but this lawyer needed more time to think about what he already knew to be true.  That was very lawyerly of him.  But the coach had to bow out until the ‘YES’ led to action.

    As the New Year approaches, don’t let the ‘YES’ sit in your body unattended.  Life will tell you if you are wrong.  Make a move and see how it ‘fits.’  We outgrow jobs and directions like we outgrow clothes and shoes whether it’s due to size, fit or style.  It’s OK to quit when it truly doesn’t fit.