Now What? Q &A: Help Others to Help You

Today’s question came from a caller from New Jersey during a recent Community Call and is answered by Ginny Kravitz, Deputy Editor.

Question:

I’m working my way through the Now What? program and am on Chapter 11.  Can you elaborate on what it means to “correct the behavior” of people in your life who are trying to be supportive but say things that aren’t necessarily helpful? 

Answer:

Chapter 11 is about setting up a support team, something that can make all the difference when you are getting ready to make a big change in your life.  A movie scene from Jerry Maguire comes to mind when Jerry says to Rod, “Help me help you.”   One way you can help people who are on your support team to help you is by getting specific and informing them of exactly what would be helpful vs. not so helpful.  This can also mean asking someone to stop doing certain things.

For example, if you have a friend who likes to jump right in with advice and what you really need is for someone to listen without trying to fix things for you, you’ll need to tell your friend.  You can say: Linda, sometimes when I share a challenge I’m having, rather than solving it for me, what I’m really looking for is for you to just listen because that helps me process what I’m saying.  Is that something you’d be willing to do?

It’s important to note that some people will respond positively to your requests and others might not.  At that point, you can assess whether that person is really someone whom you can count as part of your support system.