Now What?® Coaching

from Laura Berman Fortgang

Now What? Newsletter Articles

AM I Crazy?

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by Now What?® Coaching Founder, Laura Berman Fortgang

You think you’re nuts because you are considering leaving your job or making a big change. Your friends say you’re  crazy because you are walking away from a sure thing.  Your spouse is not talking to you because you are threatening the status quo and you’re now convinced that even the neighbors think you’re a little off.  Everyone knows you’ve lost it.

Isn’t that GREAT?!

Someone whose mind has gone to the fringes has a tentative grasp on ‘reality’. When it comes to today’s employment prospects, that’s exactly where you want to be! Why on earth would you want to buy in to the ‘reality’ of how terrible things are?  Doing so means staying still and going stale at a time when you have to be more creative than ever to solve the problems you face.   Does that mean jumping off a cliff because you have no concept that reality can crush you when you land?  No.  But it does mean moving out of the paralysis of fear or the comfort created out of the illusion of safety.

If you’re crazy, you don’t see the limits that everyone else sees.  If you’re crazy, you live by your own rules and see the world a bit differently than everyone else.  Harmless crazy* people can also be quite joyful and powerful, unstoppable in their worldview and intrinsically unique.  Free of convention, you are able to write your own ticket.

Isn’t that GREAT?!

When clients tell me they think they’re nuts or that everyone is telling them they are, I get confirmation that they are on the right track. Whatever it is they are thinking of doing or have hinted at with others, when met with “you’re crazy”, has now confirmed the die has been cast.  We are in essence, daring to go where most won’t or even where we doubted we could.  That’s scary.  Not crazy.

A new Now What?® client declared that their work experience probably only qualified them to work in retail at a barely-better-than-minimum wage rate.  However, she could see using her eye for fashion, décor and design in a much bigger way.  She had a few ideas as to where to do that as well. 

“Am I nuts?”, she asked.

“Yes”, I said. “If you believe the limits of your resume. No, if you believe in yourself.”

That’s the key.  You can’t stop at what conventional wisdom dictates.  You stop (and maybe only to rethink) when you can’t find an open door. However, in my experience, once someone let’s the ‘crazy’ truth out and starts taking action towards it, opportunities do arise.  There is tremendous power in saying YES to yourself and NO to the limits everyone else interprets to be REALITY.

There is a way around what most people call reality.   Clearly, you are not going to become a veterinarian when the closest you’ve come to an animal is the zoo or run a corporation without experience, but when you put an obstacle of ‘reality’ in front of you and leave it untested, you are not getting the full picture. 

The rule is that if you have so many steps ahead of the goal that you want to give up, you MUST find ways to shorten the distance. 

There may be retraining ahead. There may be education and experience but there is also a starting point.  Somewhere you can step into the game, gain momentum and start scoring points towards your ultimate goal.

For example, someone recently told me they would not pursue something that they loved because there was seven years of schooling and no guarantee of a job at the end.  Within mere weeks of networking, taking a few risks and volunteering to help out, his worldview shifted from “it’s impossible” to “ let me piece together my own training and learn as I go”.  It remains to be seen if he can walk away from his job, but when you start saying “NO” to the status quo and “YES” to yourself, accelerated results often happen.

Are you crazy to attempt it?  Absolutely! 

Isn’t that GREAT?!

* It is not my intent to diminish or disrespect  those suffering from mental illness

GRATITUDE For A Crappy Boss

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by Now What?® Coaching Founder, Laura Berman Fortgang

Hours of complaining and reliving the drama.  Days spent brooding and plotting how to get what you need.  Sleep wasted by workplace despair.  The plight of a crappy boss can be overwhelming and destructive but truly, it can become a good thing if held up to the light in just the right way.  It could ultimately become something you’re grateful for.

Help up to the light, this cruel villain is a Teacher. They are teaching you about yourself, your adaptability, and how well you can communicate.  Unfortunately, they are also showing you a piece of yourself you don’t like. 

As frustrating as it is and as much as we’d hate to admit it, what we don’t like in our boss, is often what we don’t like in ourselves.  We may not be as mean or as clueless or as selfish or as boorish as the object of our disdain, but we may very likely carry some of those recessive traits and revile them in ourselves.

Finding acceptance for these traits in ourselves and calming our disdain, will go a long way to easing the stress about the boss.  It will also teach you self-compassion. 

Looked at differently yet again, the nasty boss is also a  Skill Builder.  Your life made difficult by a person in authority can be a miserable maze of daily obstacles and headaches.  Yet, they are forcing you to build some skills that can be invaluable as you progress through your life.

For example, a boss who does not give you much direction and then holds you accountable for information you never received can be frustrating and crazy making.  They are also forcing you to trust your intuition more, become better at communicating to understand the parameters of what you’ve been assigned and they force you to boost your knowledge and self-reliance to get the job done.  It can all still lead to less than harmonious results,  but you’re growing.  Growth is often painful, and yet, not necessarily a bad thing.

That rotten-scoundrel superior can also be a Destiny Herder.  The obstacle of an impossible boss is often the roadblock that turns us toward another direction.  It can be the definitive sign we needed to go elsewhere so we can work freely or be doing more of what we truly want to be doing. 

The antagonist in the story of your job could be what moves the conflict forward for you (the hero/heroine) until you see your way through the dark forest into the light of your ‘hero’s journey.’  You may decide to be a more gracious leader or foster your management style differently thanks to your experience in this ‘story’.  You may realize you are meant to be the boss, in a different unit, in a different discipline or something else that puts you closer to a better fitting ‘destiny’.

Along similar lines, the crappy boss is also an Igniter of Dreams.  How many people can you think of that have used a bad boss as the flint on a matchbook cover to spark the flame of their dreams?  Plenty, I’m sure. 

Courage, determination, focus and clarity often result from hitting the brick wall called ‘bad boss’.  For example, a recent Now What?® client, saw one of their low-key hobbies become a potential source of salary-compatible income because of a difficult superior.  Her dreams changed from finding a new job to supporting herself with something she had dismissed as ‘dabbling’ that really had potential to be lucrative. She always dreamed of a flexible lifestyle with more time for other interests.

So give thanks, this holiday season.  Even for the people who irritate the heck out of you.  They serve a purpose.  Find out what that is and be grateful they brought that purpose to light for your growth.

 

Halloween: Addressing the DARK Side

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By Laura Berman Fortgang

For years, we coaches have insisted that coaching is distinct from therapy.  It is,  but we are trained to recognize the dark  side of life and personalities and we are not afraid of it.  It comes up. It happens.

In the spirit of Halloween, and the sometimes-scarier aspect of ourselves, there is much to learn from the dark side that can help in the discovery of next steps in life and career.  In the Now What?® process, we have found a turnkey to shifting the dark  side to breakthrough-worthy information. 

We all have our story.  And we all have adversity we’ve had to overcome.  It’s not fair to say that one person’s plight is greater to bear than another’s.  Only we can go through it and only we can judge its severity and lasting effect.  

The difficulty is in that as much as we think our personal life is separate from our career choices, the truth is that it is not.  What runs our minds motivates our actions and our choices.  For many people, it becomes so habitual that it does not even register that it’s a choice; one that can be changed.

The dark side for a lot of people comes to how they see themselves, how they see the world and also, what motivates them to persevere.  For many, their core motivation can be fueled by a reaction to negative circumstances. 

“I’ll show them!”
“I’ll never be like them!”

or

“I don’t measure up, I’ll never make it.” (some people work harder under this assumption)

These motivators have worked for people. Nothing wrong with that, but where the potential is for a greater success and greater satisfaction is to shift your motivation and self-concept to something you DO want to be versus something you are running away from or reacting negatively to. 

This changes your energy right away from a fight and adversity to a sense of purpose.  Subtle?  Maybe, but very powerful.

A recent client came to the Now What?® Process full of negative self-concept and negative motivation.  All energy was directed at getting out of a job he hated.  Nothing wrong with that, you might think.

Our early conversations were full of frustration and dead ends.  Every idea of a potential positive step or direction, especially his own, was stuck in STOP with hardly a peek at GO.

The breakthrough came when the dark side was “outed”.  Once he saw his adversity was mostly caused by his own mindset, he was able to choose differently as unnatural as it might feel.  Beyond his attitude adjustment, was the underlying motivation for his actions until this point.  Every choice he made career-wise was rooted in a quest for independence.  That doesn’t sound negative in itself, but instead of pursuing work that he would thrive at and be fulfilled by, he chose paths he did not like but could secure a certain amount of independence from others in his family.

Once someone becomes conscious of these negative and darker sources of their choices, the awareness allows for change.  For some, it’s a constant effort to not be reclaimed by the habitual dark patterns but daily effort and daily conscious choice can point you to brighter horizons.

This particular client broke through and saw positive opportunities start to appear. “Chance” meetings on the bus to work that could help the new direction he hopes to pursue.  “Sudden” opportunities to try out his new area of interest came along as well.  Truly, there is no magic or coincidence to it.  It was his mindset and choices showing him where opportunity always was.  Now, he could see it. Before he was blinded by his outlook. 

Take off the scary masks, folks.  The façade is not serving you and you can’t see well through them.  Take a peek at the dark side only to shift gears and recognize where to find light.  The answer to your “Now What?” will come along more quickly.

 

“HOW” Is The Enemy of Progress

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by Now What?® Coaching Founder, Laura Berman Fortgang

In working with a recent client, I was once again reminded of how easily we can get stopped by the ‘how’ of making our deepest  desires a reality.  It makes sense.  How can we proceed if we don’t know how to do so?  However, over the years, I have come to see how people take what can be a legitimate concern and turn it into a reason to procrastinate.

“I’ll need more training”

“I should probably research this more.”

“I need more information to get started.”

Yes, we need to be educated and prepared when it comes to starting a new business or setting out on an adventure, but there comes a time where the preparation becomes counterproductive and begins to stall progress altogether.

How do you know when you’re spinning your wheels or when you are really in need of knowledge to proceed?

  • If you’re avoiding conversations that could make you money
  • If you’re spending hours and hours working on your business alone
  • If you’re really comfortable doing whatever you’re doing (studying, web surfing, etc)
  • If you’re obsessed with thoughts about ‘what if’s’ and ‘Buts’

If you are up to any of the above, you are in the “knowledge-collection-as-procrastination” zone.

Comfort should never be part of the equation.  If you’re comfortable, you’re hiding, you’re not growing and making progress.  If you’re obsessing about a future that is not even here yet, you are living in tomorrow and not taking care of today which implies getting started.  If you’re not out talking to people (prospects, mentors, vendors, providers), you are not letting nature takes its course.

What we see with Now What?® clients is that an acceleration of progress toward the desired outcome, only starts to occur when you are out talking to people and actively shaking hands, talking and asking for help.  The result is often resources pointed to, other people introduced to you, solutions appearing and growth occurring.  Starting a venture cannot happen alone in a vacuum.

The HOW is revealed piece by piece and often, can only become clear by taking the parking brake off and letting the car roll down the hill.  That is what I asked my client to do.  I asked her to get out there and just start.  It doesn’t have to be with a business plan in place, yet.  I asked her to get out there and collect “templates, contacts and strategies”.  THAT will begin the linear HOW’s she was looking for.

What if you really do need more knowledge like a degree program or a training of some kind?  You’ll know it because the obvious pre-requisites will make themselves known.  You can’t set up a therapy practice without a license, you won’t be flying a plane anytime soon without a pilot’s training and license and you won’t be selling financial products or real estate without passing the exams.  However, most of the time, the obstacles are self-imposed and born out of your own fears.

If you are committed to be the best at this next, new thing, you’ll do what it takes.  You won’t let a few extra requirements stop you.  But that does not mean wait until it’s all done.  It means get out there and start the car rolling down the hill.  You can always put the brakes on, but soon you’ll be on an exciting ride and wondering why you waited so long to get moving.

 

 

HOW DID I GET HERE?

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by Now What?® Coaching Founder, Laura Berman Fortgang

It’s like waking up in the middle of a bad dream.  You abruptly realize you have no idea where you are and how you got there.  Am I in a  hotel? Am I home? Where is the usual light under my door?  It’s unsettling, confusing and spooky until your brain resets itself and reality aligns.

Realizing you are at a job you can’t tolerate another day longer is similar. “How did I get here?”, you might exclaim.  “What am I doing??”

You got there by doing all the right things.  Sending out a resume, doing a good interview (or a few), meeting the expectations of your employers and family members, cashing your paychecks, building a life and finally, ignoring all the signs along the way that told you you were headed for an implosion.

It’s not your fault.  We have not been trained to respect our inner voice and we ignore the tsunami of our identity crisis until it’s too late to flee with good results.

“HOW DID I GET HERE?” is probably not as important at this point as “HOW DO I GET OUT OF HERE?”.

Take a deep breath and follow the guide set out below:

RECLAIM YOURSELF

Get out of the panic and misery by shaking it off. Get a hold of yourself.  You are not trapped.  You will find a way back to job satisfaction.  Just calm down.

ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE

You’ve probably been complaining for a while about your work situation.  Stop talking about it.  Start focusing on what you DO want instead of what you DON’T want and can’t stand.  The more you talk about what’s possible in a new situation the more likely it’ll be that you’ll recognize opportunities as they come by.

RETRACE THE MISSED MESSAGES

Go back and review where you missed the signs that things were headed to an implosion.  What signs did you ignore?  What promptings from your gut did you not obey?  How many times did you stop yourself from saying something or doing something that could have improved your situation?

MINE THE GOLD

Study the missed messages and see what you can cull from them to give you clarity.  What hints are in there as to what you want or might do next? 

LISTEN CAREFULLY

As you study and decipher the nuggets you culled in the last step, listen carefully to your body’s reaction to what you’ve found.  If it scares you to consider what the whispers are saying, it’s a good sign to keep going in that direction as unrealistic as it may sound. 

START TAKING SMALL STEPS

Everyday do something that moves you out of your current scenario, even if you are not leaving your job or company.  Talk to new people, research new opportunities, take one of those nuggets from the steps above and act on them, in earnest.  Don’t let another day go by spent in misery, fear or hair-splitting frustration. 

Before long, you’ll have caused some change.  The better it gets, the more you’ll want to keep shaking things up until you’ve created a scenario you are really happy with.

Let us know how we can help.

 

Purpose Is A Journey, Not A Destination

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by Now What?® Coaching  Founder, Laura Berman Fortgang

(Originally published at Huffington Post )

It’s not uncommon in personal development curriculum to explore what one’s life purpose is. It’s a worthy pursuit to answer the age-old question of “What am I meant to do?” and yet I know it to be a confusing and painful process for some people.

Do you agonize over finding your purpose? Do you reject what you think your purpose might be because it’s not “big enough”? Do you wonder if you are really meant to do anything significant with your life?

I am a huge proponent of figuring out one’s purpose and living it fully. The part I have a problem with is the misconceptions people have about finding it and what they think it should be.

Finding one’s purpose in life is not the destination. Once you recognize it, own it and begin to fulfill it, you have launched yourself on a journey of twist and turns that will take the rest of your life to complete.

You see, purpose is not something you choose. It’s not a slogan or a bumper sticker that if you like it, you don it on your car or business card. Purpose chooses you. It is something you ARE, not something you DO. And that’s where most folks go wrong… they use a WHAT to describe what is really a WHO.

“My purpose is to make a difference.”
“I help other people.”
“My purpose is to make an impact on everyone I meet.”
“My purpose is to create the biggest _________ (fill in the blank with a save-the-world project).”

These are not WHO qualities that are as central to your being as your DNA. These are WHATs or “to-dos” that you think will make you a better person if acted upon.

Purpose reflects your life’s blood. The energy that runs through you that is the unique contribution you make anywhere you go/are. It doesn’t require a heck of a lot on your part. It’s just part of who you are. People gravitate toward this essence of your being that affects them intellectually, spiritually, emotionally or even physically.

Really, no two people’s purposes are alike. Two people may have similar ones, but no two will express their purpose in exactly the same way. For example, maybe you are a voice for justice, a midwife to ideas or to people’s potential, a bridge to peace or communication, or someone who calls forth smiles, or someone who empowers. You may be an action, you may be a noun. It doesn’t matter, but it is something you just are and always have been, even if you stand still and do nothing. People gravitate to you for this.

One of my favorite stories about purpose comes from The Mutant Message Down Under by Marlo Morgan, which is an account of a woman being kidnapped by Aborigines in the Australian outback and being forced to live with them. One of her observations was that no one in the tribe had a biblical or given name. Their name was their purpose in the tribe. The songstress, the peacemaker, the cook, the medicine woman — they were their function. In this case, they are described in nouns but they were not the to-dos of that function. That function was undeniably who they were. They would not be themselves without fulfilling that function. Interesting to me as well was that they only celebrated birthdays when they evolved to a new level of purpose rather than when the lunar calendar came around to the date of their birth.

Imagine the peace you would have if you truly understood your part in the whole in that way. Imagine the focus to your every day. That is the gift of uncovering and living your purpose.

If you are one of the people still not clear about your purpose, keep in mind there are two criteria that tell you you’ve found it: 1) It’s something you already are or do naturally, and 2) it impacts others. No one has a purpose alone in a vacuum.

Not being able to name it gives people a lot of distress, but it could simply mean there is more inner work to be done before you are ready to live your purpose fully.

Many also worry that their purpose needs to be grand or world-changing. I call this the “Mother Theresa Syndrome” — as if one’s purpose is not worthy if it is not on the fast track to sainthood. Ironically, it was Mother Theresa herself who said: “We do not DO great things. We do small things with GREAT LOVE.” And there begins the promise of purpose. When we all give with great care, understanding, respect, and compassion, we are fulfilling our reason for being. The ripple effect is initiated and it is not ours to control.

So, please, forget crafting a purpose statement. It’s not a destination or the promised land. Make the journey to just being real. When you are fully and undeniably yourself, you won’t have to ask what your purpose is, because you’ll already be living it. It is as simple as that. It’ll just be you!

For more by Laura Berman Fortgang, click here.