Now What?® Coaching

from Laura Berman Fortgang

Now What? Newsletter Articles

HALF-TRUTHS KEEP YOU STUCK

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by Now What?® Coaching Founder, Laura Berman Fortgang

People operate in half-truths. Being polite often means not communicating how we really feel. We swallow the truth to keep our jobs, our friends and to maintain the peace in the family. It’s likely better that way, but when it comes to figuring out next career and life moves, half-truths will keep you stuck.

At my Kripalu weekend seminar over the Easter holiday, there were several instances of half-truths (maybe even quarter-truths) getting in the way of progress in gaining clarity, direction and momentum in life.

People told me very sophisticated plans lies for what they might do next and how they’d do it. How did I know they were not telling the truth? They might fidget or mumble, avoid eye contact or just sound dispassionate and analytical about what they were saying. Just as I would feel myself slipping into a coma, I’d whip out my magic wand.

You read that right. However, in this case, I reached over to a vase of flowers and pulled out a miniature sunflower whose head fit nicely in the palm of my hand.

“Now”, I said, in my best Glinda-the-Good-Witch imitation.

glinda“If I waved my magic wand and you could have it your way NOW, what would you be doing?”

The answers were astounding.

One particular gentleman was laying out his plan very methodically when I interrupted him with my wand routine. He had an immediate response that lit up his face and made his eyes dance the cha-cha. He switched off his plan to sell insurance to get his children through the college years and told me about his dream to work in travel and see amazing places while extending that adventure to others.

That’s a big gap and how on earth would he make that happen?! Pipedream you say? I understand how you may think that. And if you do, it also tells me you hold a truth you don’t tell but we’ll save that for later. Now, let me tell you how this rolled out.

I got an email 36 hours after this admission was made that while on the drive home from the weekend, something came together rather quickly. As the dear man was telling his girlfriend what transpired, he remembered a trip he took to South Africa when he used to play rugby. He recalled the camaraderie among the international players and the traveling they did to explore the land, wildlife and culture. He instantly saw the connection to the recent launch of a rugby league he started in his area, which involved his own kids. He realized he could start organizing international trips for his league (like the one he took) as a business venture moving forward. He also wanted to let me know that the insurance direction was not a complete departure because insuring those trips is quite lucrative as well!

This is exactly what I expect when the truth has been let out of the bag: a sudden connection, remembering, ah-ha, ‘accidental’ meeting or other coming-together that closes the huge gap between the ‘telling’ and real time. It doesn’t seem so implausible anymore. The answers come. I know this to be true.

Now, back to anyone who might have a half-truth in their plans … I understand they sound reasonable and safe. I understand there are bills to be paid. I also know that you will not be happy, satisfied or fulfilled. Tell the whole truth and act on it. One small move (phone call, research, planning time, feasibility interviews, etc) a day will start the momentum. Even if you have to do the half-truth plan to pay the bills, do NOT keep THE truth buried. Bring it out and watch your life change.

Author’s Note:

Just before publication, the gentleman in this piece wrote to me to let me know that his story, now two weeks later, has expanded to include another set of ‘synchronistic’ events.

He reached out to the company that had arranged the tour he was on years ago and he explained his idea about such tours for youth rugby clubs.  It just so happens the proprietor had just heard from someone in the UK who wanted to get his UK youth rugby team playing in the US on a tour.  Thanks to our protagonist, he has a US team to meet up with this summer and perhaps a reciprocal tour for the Americans in the UK.

There’s more to share, but for now, suffice it to say that there is so much momentum stemming from one truth-telling to make your head spin.  And spin yours will when you, too,  take responsibility for your truth.  Keep me posted!

Eight Ways to Beat Hibernation

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by Now What?® Coaching Founder, Laura Berman Fortgang

In the United States, we have a ridiculous ritual on February 2nd where we wait for a groundhog, in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania to see (or not) its shadow as an indication to how soon spring will come.  This year, he did not see his shadow and the prediction that spring will come early was announced.  Now, granted this is a large country, but in my part of it, the Northeast, we’ve had a blizzard, grey days and significant cold ever since the pronouncement was made.

It’s dark, gloomy and great fuel for a good case of SAD  (seasonal affective disorder). What does that have to do with career transition?  It could be used as an excuse to not take any action during the last doldrums of winter.  That would be a dreadful waste of time.  So despite any tendency to hibernate, here are eight things you can do to be productive.

Organize—Straighten up, create systems, create a productive working environment, get things in working order. If you’ve been staring at a mess for months, it may be time to call in some help — professional or not.

Upgrade—Eliminate problems by upgrading equipment if possible.  Upgrade your own behavior, if need be.  Pick one thing or behavior to upgrade and do it.

Resume Work—This is a perfect time to work on your resume or your bio if you are a business owner or biz owner to be.  Take quiet time, champion yourself and check in with someone who can advise or give you help.

Network—Work against the sluggish winter mood by connecting with people.  Make coffee and lunch dates for business purposes and a little socializing wouldn’t hurt either.  Take advantage of inexpensive networking events, too, if you have some in your area.

Take class—Wake up your brain by learning something new.  Whether it’s related to your current or future career track isn’t a must.  Just take anything that interests you and engages you.

Prune—Let go of things and people! Let go of clothes you’ll never wear again.  Take people off your email list who you truly have no intention of connecting with. Throw out broken or useless things you keep around. 

Focus—Take one aspect of your job search, research, business building or career exploration and focus on it.  Try for a short period to not be concerned about multiple strategies.  Just one angle to focus on will help stop any overwhelm and give you some momentum to launch into spring with.

Plan—Pull out a calendar and plot a plan for your success.  Put it on your calendar when you’ll land that job. Yes, the exact date. Or put down the day you get your first paycheck in your new home based business.  And then, from that date, work backwards and plan what has to happen in order to get the desired result.

So if you are feeling the snail-like effect of the winter hump, know that you can do less and honor your body’s pace but multiply your productivity moving forward with these few simple strategies.

Let me know when spring hits where you are.  I’m ready!!

Milestones

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by Now What?® Coaching Founder, Laura Berman Fortgang

I’m coming off of a Mexican spa  vacation and celebrating my 50th birthday by performing my one-woman show  in New  York City.  This year also includes my husband’s fiftieth birthday and our 20th wedding anniversary.  The teenager will get his permit this summer, the tweens are in their last moments of kid-hood, one of my parents passed the 80th birthday mark and my mother beat a major medical challenge last year.  So much to take in, so many tectonic plates shifting.

What does all that personal stuff have to do with you, the career explorer?  Lots, I think.  No matter what age you are at, I’m sure you have expectations about certain milestones in your life.  You might have solid ideas about what should be happening in your life based on a certain age or career marker.  My suspicion is those hopes could become sources of mild suffering. OK, maybe more-than-mild stress.

One of the toughest times in my life (whole story in The Little Book On Meaning)  was due to what I thought should happen by the time I was thirty and I speak to people every week, young and old, who lament that their expectations about not having certain age-milestones met.

Who made these milestones up anyway?!  Likely, they are based on old models of life expectancy. Clearly, there are some biological markers that we can’t avoid but science is doing a pretty good job of extending those.  Nonetheless, milestones are just another human device designed to make us screwy.

The passage of time is inevitable. What you do with that time is what matters and to feel fully alive, you have to use all you have at any given time.

Bodies age, minds go soft, knowledge becomes obsolete and technology will blur it all.  THAT MEANS that to stay on top of your game in the career world and in life, you have to become more and more adept at letting go of what is no longer serving you.  That doesn’t mean that new is always better, but it does mean that as the rate of change accelerates, you need to stay closer to the core of who you really are.  The faster things move, the harder it is to keep up if you are trying to stay on the path that someone else cut out for you but has nothing to do with who you really are.

Yes, you have to pay the rent or mortgage, but you also need to know that what makes people sick is working at something the majority of their waking hours that is essentially killing their spirit.  If not their body, too.

What to do:

Take a break

Take a vaca or stay-cation.  Get a break from what might be taxing you.

Evaluate what to keep

Use part of the time to do some introspection about what is worth keeping from your current work scenario (whether you can realistically put what stays and goes into concrete reality is not the point here).

Decide what you miss

Is there something you love to do or used to do that you wish you could put back in your life now?

Plan a crossover

As simplistic as it may sound, start writing a plan (yes fictitious) of how you could keep what you want and bring in more of the missing pieces into your job or life.  It could mean switching careers but at this point, being realistic and worried is not pertinent.

Do one thing a day towards it

Even if you are convinced that you are beholden to your current scenario and can’t make a change, act as if you could.  Take small actions daily that research possibilities, make connections and tease the fates.

You will be released. 

This is one of those things that you are just going to have to take my word for.  If you do a small thing a day towards making a change, even if you are not fully convinced you can or will ultimately make that change, something will give.  You will find yourself with new opportunities and new relationships that may just surprise you.

There is no right time or milestone.

Ignore convention—There is no written code of what can happen by when.  Yes, you want your retirement secured and you have other goals, but be honest with yourself.  You have one life as far as we know so live it NOW.  You may not be around to do so later!

Happy Milestone Birthday to me and let’s get living people!

AM I Crazy?

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by Now What?® Coaching Founder, Laura Berman Fortgang

You think you’re nuts because you are considering leaving your job or making a big change. Your friends say you’re  crazy because you are walking away from a sure thing.  Your spouse is not talking to you because you are threatening the status quo and you’re now convinced that even the neighbors think you’re a little off.  Everyone knows you’ve lost it.

Isn’t that GREAT?!

Someone whose mind has gone to the fringes has a tentative grasp on ‘reality’. When it comes to today’s employment prospects, that’s exactly where you want to be! Why on earth would you want to buy in to the ‘reality’ of how terrible things are?  Doing so means staying still and going stale at a time when you have to be more creative than ever to solve the problems you face.   Does that mean jumping off a cliff because you have no concept that reality can crush you when you land?  No.  But it does mean moving out of the paralysis of fear or the comfort created out of the illusion of safety.

If you’re crazy, you don’t see the limits that everyone else sees.  If you’re crazy, you live by your own rules and see the world a bit differently than everyone else.  Harmless crazy* people can also be quite joyful and powerful, unstoppable in their worldview and intrinsically unique.  Free of convention, you are able to write your own ticket.

Isn’t that GREAT?!

When clients tell me they think they’re nuts or that everyone is telling them they are, I get confirmation that they are on the right track. Whatever it is they are thinking of doing or have hinted at with others, when met with “you’re crazy”, has now confirmed the die has been cast.  We are in essence, daring to go where most won’t or even where we doubted we could.  That’s scary.  Not crazy.

A new Now What?® client declared that their work experience probably only qualified them to work in retail at a barely-better-than-minimum wage rate.  However, she could see using her eye for fashion, décor and design in a much bigger way.  She had a few ideas as to where to do that as well. 

“Am I nuts?”, she asked.

“Yes”, I said. “If you believe the limits of your resume. No, if you believe in yourself.”

That’s the key.  You can’t stop at what conventional wisdom dictates.  You stop (and maybe only to rethink) when you can’t find an open door. However, in my experience, once someone let’s the ‘crazy’ truth out and starts taking action towards it, opportunities do arise.  There is tremendous power in saying YES to yourself and NO to the limits everyone else interprets to be REALITY.

There is a way around what most people call reality.   Clearly, you are not going to become a veterinarian when the closest you’ve come to an animal is the zoo or run a corporation without experience, but when you put an obstacle of ‘reality’ in front of you and leave it untested, you are not getting the full picture. 

The rule is that if you have so many steps ahead of the goal that you want to give up, you MUST find ways to shorten the distance. 

There may be retraining ahead. There may be education and experience but there is also a starting point.  Somewhere you can step into the game, gain momentum and start scoring points towards your ultimate goal.

For example, someone recently told me they would not pursue something that they loved because there was seven years of schooling and no guarantee of a job at the end.  Within mere weeks of networking, taking a few risks and volunteering to help out, his worldview shifted from “it’s impossible” to “ let me piece together my own training and learn as I go”.  It remains to be seen if he can walk away from his job, but when you start saying “NO” to the status quo and “YES” to yourself, accelerated results often happen.

Are you crazy to attempt it?  Absolutely! 

Isn’t that GREAT?!

* It is not my intent to diminish or disrespect  those suffering from mental illness

GRATITUDE For A Crappy Boss

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by Now What?® Coaching Founder, Laura Berman Fortgang

Hours of complaining and reliving the drama.  Days spent brooding and plotting how to get what you need.  Sleep wasted by workplace despair.  The plight of a crappy boss can be overwhelming and destructive but truly, it can become a good thing if held up to the light in just the right way.  It could ultimately become something you’re grateful for.

Help up to the light, this cruel villain is a Teacher. They are teaching you about yourself, your adaptability, and how well you can communicate.  Unfortunately, they are also showing you a piece of yourself you don’t like. 

As frustrating as it is and as much as we’d hate to admit it, what we don’t like in our boss, is often what we don’t like in ourselves.  We may not be as mean or as clueless or as selfish or as boorish as the object of our disdain, but we may very likely carry some of those recessive traits and revile them in ourselves.

Finding acceptance for these traits in ourselves and calming our disdain, will go a long way to easing the stress about the boss.  It will also teach you self-compassion. 

Looked at differently yet again, the nasty boss is also a  Skill Builder.  Your life made difficult by a person in authority can be a miserable maze of daily obstacles and headaches.  Yet, they are forcing you to build some skills that can be invaluable as you progress through your life.

For example, a boss who does not give you much direction and then holds you accountable for information you never received can be frustrating and crazy making.  They are also forcing you to trust your intuition more, become better at communicating to understand the parameters of what you’ve been assigned and they force you to boost your knowledge and self-reliance to get the job done.  It can all still lead to less than harmonious results,  but you’re growing.  Growth is often painful, and yet, not necessarily a bad thing.

That rotten-scoundrel superior can also be a Destiny Herder.  The obstacle of an impossible boss is often the roadblock that turns us toward another direction.  It can be the definitive sign we needed to go elsewhere so we can work freely or be doing more of what we truly want to be doing. 

The antagonist in the story of your job could be what moves the conflict forward for you (the hero/heroine) until you see your way through the dark forest into the light of your ‘hero’s journey.’  You may decide to be a more gracious leader or foster your management style differently thanks to your experience in this ‘story’.  You may realize you are meant to be the boss, in a different unit, in a different discipline or something else that puts you closer to a better fitting ‘destiny’.

Along similar lines, the crappy boss is also an Igniter of Dreams.  How many people can you think of that have used a bad boss as the flint on a matchbook cover to spark the flame of their dreams?  Plenty, I’m sure. 

Courage, determination, focus and clarity often result from hitting the brick wall called ‘bad boss’.  For example, a recent Now What?® client, saw one of their low-key hobbies become a potential source of salary-compatible income because of a difficult superior.  Her dreams changed from finding a new job to supporting herself with something she had dismissed as ‘dabbling’ that really had potential to be lucrative. She always dreamed of a flexible lifestyle with more time for other interests.

So give thanks, this holiday season.  Even for the people who irritate the heck out of you.  They serve a purpose.  Find out what that is and be grateful they brought that purpose to light for your growth.

 

Halloween: Addressing the DARK Side

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By Laura Berman Fortgang

For years, we coaches have insisted that coaching is distinct from therapy.  It is,  but we are trained to recognize the dark  side of life and personalities and we are not afraid of it.  It comes up. It happens.

In the spirit of Halloween, and the sometimes-scarier aspect of ourselves, there is much to learn from the dark side that can help in the discovery of next steps in life and career.  In the Now What?® process, we have found a turnkey to shifting the dark  side to breakthrough-worthy information. 

We all have our story.  And we all have adversity we’ve had to overcome.  It’s not fair to say that one person’s plight is greater to bear than another’s.  Only we can go through it and only we can judge its severity and lasting effect.  

The difficulty is in that as much as we think our personal life is separate from our career choices, the truth is that it is not.  What runs our minds motivates our actions and our choices.  For many people, it becomes so habitual that it does not even register that it’s a choice; one that can be changed.

The dark side for a lot of people comes to how they see themselves, how they see the world and also, what motivates them to persevere.  For many, their core motivation can be fueled by a reaction to negative circumstances. 

“I’ll show them!”
“I’ll never be like them!”

or

“I don’t measure up, I’ll never make it.” (some people work harder under this assumption)

These motivators have worked for people. Nothing wrong with that, but where the potential is for a greater success and greater satisfaction is to shift your motivation and self-concept to something you DO want to be versus something you are running away from or reacting negatively to. 

This changes your energy right away from a fight and adversity to a sense of purpose.  Subtle?  Maybe, but very powerful.

A recent client came to the Now What?® Process full of negative self-concept and negative motivation.  All energy was directed at getting out of a job he hated.  Nothing wrong with that, you might think.

Our early conversations were full of frustration and dead ends.  Every idea of a potential positive step or direction, especially his own, was stuck in STOP with hardly a peek at GO.

The breakthrough came when the dark side was “outed”.  Once he saw his adversity was mostly caused by his own mindset, he was able to choose differently as unnatural as it might feel.  Beyond his attitude adjustment, was the underlying motivation for his actions until this point.  Every choice he made career-wise was rooted in a quest for independence.  That doesn’t sound negative in itself, but instead of pursuing work that he would thrive at and be fulfilled by, he chose paths he did not like but could secure a certain amount of independence from others in his family.

Once someone becomes conscious of these negative and darker sources of their choices, the awareness allows for change.  For some, it’s a constant effort to not be reclaimed by the habitual dark patterns but daily effort and daily conscious choice can point you to brighter horizons.

This particular client broke through and saw positive opportunities start to appear. “Chance” meetings on the bus to work that could help the new direction he hopes to pursue.  “Sudden” opportunities to try out his new area of interest came along as well.  Truly, there is no magic or coincidence to it.  It was his mindset and choices showing him where opportunity always was.  Now, he could see it. Before he was blinded by his outlook. 

Take off the scary masks, folks.  The façade is not serving you and you can’t see well through them.  Take a peek at the dark side only to shift gears and recognize where to find light.  The answer to your “Now What?” will come along more quickly.