Now What?® Coaching

from Laura Berman Fortgang

Laura Berman Fortgang

Halloween: Addressing the DARK Side

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By Laura Berman Fortgang

For years, we coaches have insisted that coaching is distinct from therapy.  It is,  but we are trained to recognize the dark  side of life and personalities and we are not afraid of it.  It comes up. It happens.

In the spirit of Halloween, and the sometimes-scarier aspect of ourselves, there is much to learn from the dark side that can help in the discovery of next steps in life and career.  In the Now What?® process, we have found a turnkey to shifting the dark  side to breakthrough-worthy information. 

We all have our story.  And we all have adversity we’ve had to overcome.  It’s not fair to say that one person’s plight is greater to bear than another’s.  Only we can go through it and only we can judge its severity and lasting effect.  

The difficulty is in that as much as we think our personal life is separate from our career choices, the truth is that it is not.  What runs our minds motivates our actions and our choices.  For many people, it becomes so habitual that it does not even register that it’s a choice; one that can be changed.

The dark side for a lot of people comes to how they see themselves, how they see the world and also, what motivates them to persevere.  For many, their core motivation can be fueled by a reaction to negative circumstances. 

“I’ll show them!”
“I’ll never be like them!”

or

“I don’t measure up, I’ll never make it.” (some people work harder under this assumption)

These motivators have worked for people. Nothing wrong with that, but where the potential is for a greater success and greater satisfaction is to shift your motivation and self-concept to something you DO want to be versus something you are running away from or reacting negatively to. 

This changes your energy right away from a fight and adversity to a sense of purpose.  Subtle?  Maybe, but very powerful.

A recent client came to the Now What?® Process full of negative self-concept and negative motivation.  All energy was directed at getting out of a job he hated.  Nothing wrong with that, you might think.

Our early conversations were full of frustration and dead ends.  Every idea of a potential positive step or direction, especially his own, was stuck in STOP with hardly a peek at GO.

The breakthrough came when the dark side was “outed”.  Once he saw his adversity was mostly caused by his own mindset, he was able to choose differently as unnatural as it might feel.  Beyond his attitude adjustment, was the underlying motivation for his actions until this point.  Every choice he made career-wise was rooted in a quest for independence.  That doesn’t sound negative in itself, but instead of pursuing work that he would thrive at and be fulfilled by, he chose paths he did not like but could secure a certain amount of independence from others in his family.

Once someone becomes conscious of these negative and darker sources of their choices, the awareness allows for change.  For some, it’s a constant effort to not be reclaimed by the habitual dark patterns but daily effort and daily conscious choice can point you to brighter horizons.

This particular client broke through and saw positive opportunities start to appear. “Chance” meetings on the bus to work that could help the new direction he hopes to pursue.  “Sudden” opportunities to try out his new area of interest came along as well.  Truly, there is no magic or coincidence to it.  It was his mindset and choices showing him where opportunity always was.  Now, he could see it. Before he was blinded by his outlook. 

Take off the scary masks, folks.  The façade is not serving you and you can’t see well through them.  Take a peek at the dark side only to shift gears and recognize where to find light.  The answer to your “Now What?” will come along more quickly.

 

Now What Q&A-Unemployed and Interviewing

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Today’s question comes from a member of our community who participated in a recent Community Call, and is answered by Laura Berman Fortgang.  

Question:

My position as a Benefits Manager and HR generalist was eliminated last year.  When I’m on an interview, I need a   better way to answer the question:  What have you done in the last year? The caller then described some of the positions for which she had interviewed, yet did not convey enthusiasm for them.

Answer:

My immediate gut reaction is it sounds as if you don’t want a job in this field.  I get that you need money and it’s the path of least resistance.  In a new field there might be an initial salary reduction but with growth potential.  You might like to take a look at the life story exercise in Chapter 4 of Now What?®.  Interpreting your life story will help you pick up on themes and generate ideas about future roles to explore.                                                   

In terms of how to respond to interviewers who ask what you’ve done since becoming unemployed, the most important thing is to show that you’ve been using the time prudently, whether that includes researching certain fields or learning something new.  Focus on the positive and on how you’ve been productive with the time.

Purpose Is A Journey, Not A Destination

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by Now What?® Coaching  Founder, Laura Berman Fortgang

(Originally published at Huffington Post )

It’s not uncommon in personal development curriculum to explore what one’s life purpose is. It’s a worthy pursuit to answer the age-old question of “What am I meant to do?” and yet I know it to be a confusing and painful process for some people.

Do you agonize over finding your purpose? Do you reject what you think your purpose might be because it’s not “big enough”? Do you wonder if you are really meant to do anything significant with your life?

I am a huge proponent of figuring out one’s purpose and living it fully. The part I have a problem with is the misconceptions people have about finding it and what they think it should be.

Finding one’s purpose in life is not the destination. Once you recognize it, own it and begin to fulfill it, you have launched yourself on a journey of twist and turns that will take the rest of your life to complete.

You see, purpose is not something you choose. It’s not a slogan or a bumper sticker that if you like it, you don it on your car or business card. Purpose chooses you. It is something you ARE, not something you DO. And that’s where most folks go wrong… they use a WHAT to describe what is really a WHO.

“My purpose is to make a difference.”
“I help other people.”
“My purpose is to make an impact on everyone I meet.”
“My purpose is to create the biggest _________ (fill in the blank with a save-the-world project).”

These are not WHO qualities that are as central to your being as your DNA. These are WHATs or “to-dos” that you think will make you a better person if acted upon.

Purpose reflects your life’s blood. The energy that runs through you that is the unique contribution you make anywhere you go/are. It doesn’t require a heck of a lot on your part. It’s just part of who you are. People gravitate toward this essence of your being that affects them intellectually, spiritually, emotionally or even physically.

Really, no two people’s purposes are alike. Two people may have similar ones, but no two will express their purpose in exactly the same way. For example, maybe you are a voice for justice, a midwife to ideas or to people’s potential, a bridge to peace or communication, or someone who calls forth smiles, or someone who empowers. You may be an action, you may be a noun. It doesn’t matter, but it is something you just are and always have been, even if you stand still and do nothing. People gravitate to you for this.

One of my favorite stories about purpose comes from The Mutant Message Down Under by Marlo Morgan, which is an account of a woman being kidnapped by Aborigines in the Australian outback and being forced to live with them. One of her observations was that no one in the tribe had a biblical or given name. Their name was their purpose in the tribe. The songstress, the peacemaker, the cook, the medicine woman — they were their function. In this case, they are described in nouns but they were not the to-dos of that function. That function was undeniably who they were. They would not be themselves without fulfilling that function. Interesting to me as well was that they only celebrated birthdays when they evolved to a new level of purpose rather than when the lunar calendar came around to the date of their birth.

Imagine the peace you would have if you truly understood your part in the whole in that way. Imagine the focus to your every day. That is the gift of uncovering and living your purpose.

If you are one of the people still not clear about your purpose, keep in mind there are two criteria that tell you you’ve found it: 1) It’s something you already are or do naturally, and 2) it impacts others. No one has a purpose alone in a vacuum.

Not being able to name it gives people a lot of distress, but it could simply mean there is more inner work to be done before you are ready to live your purpose fully.

Many also worry that their purpose needs to be grand or world-changing. I call this the “Mother Theresa Syndrome” — as if one’s purpose is not worthy if it is not on the fast track to sainthood. Ironically, it was Mother Theresa herself who said: “We do not DO great things. We do small things with GREAT LOVE.” And there begins the promise of purpose. When we all give with great care, understanding, respect, and compassion, we are fulfilling our reason for being. The ripple effect is initiated and it is not ours to control.

So, please, forget crafting a purpose statement. It’s not a destination or the promised land. Make the journey to just being real. When you are fully and undeniably yourself, you won’t have to ask what your purpose is, because you’ll already be living it. It is as simple as that. It’ll just be you!

For more by Laura Berman Fortgang, click here.

CLEAR THE WAY TO CLARITY (AND MOMENTUM)

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by Now What?® Coaching Founder, Laura Berman Fortgang

 

This is coaching 101, but it’s not old news.  It’s news that needs to be revisited anytime you get stuck.  If you’re not getting the results you want, if you’re frustrated because you feel clueless as to your next steps or if you just feel stale, these basics will be worth the visit.

When you feel stuck it means the energy that flows through your body and your environment is stuck and some very concrete moving of the furniture, literally and figuratively, can get things flowing again.

Recently, I found myself in a slow-moving time.  My weight was up. My energy was low. My business had too much waiting going on and not enough momentum.  I knew it was time to revisit the basics.  I changed my game with food and the gym.  I spoke some truths in relationships that weren’t working and I cleared out my closet, my garage, and my kids’ rooms getting rid of stuff we no longer needed or used.

I kept up my home and work responsibilities but put the bulk of my weekend time into this endeavor.  Out of the blue (but not really because this is what happens when you do this) I got an inquiry about blogging for the Huffington Post  because the editor had been at Kripalu where I recently led a retreat and my books called to her from the shelves as a match for her department.

I cleared my way to a new opportunity (and a few others that showed up in the same week) and so can you.

MOVE—Get your body moving.  If you do yoga, do more. If you exercise, change your routine. If you don’t do anything, start walking for twenty or thirty minutes a day. Just get that energy moving!

DUMP—Get rid of stuff. Go paperless, pare down to only essentials in your closet, gift or donate unwanted items.  Immediately!  (not someday)

ACQUIRE—Invest in that which will help you operate more effectively.  For example, if you can’t get papers off your desk?  Buy a two or three tiered in/out box and create a new system.

SHIFT– Shift relationships that are not working. Have that difficult conversation or take a break from someone or a group you may need to take time away from.

INSPIRE—Motivate yourself by doing something that inspires you.  Whether it’s a walk in nature or scaring yourself silly by doing something you’ve long thought of attempting.

All of these things ‘shake the bushes’ as I call it and get the cobwebs out of your brain and your routine. The results can be very rewarding.  From that ah-ha realization to a new opportunity, you will cause change.

Do it until the dawn breaks and the next time you are stagnant or stuck, do it again.  It’s a rinse and repeat type of thing.

We’re here if you need help.

“Dumb” Ideas That Made Millions

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When brothers Shep and Ian Murray started Vineyard Vines, a tie company based on Martha’s Vineyard, they were told it was a dumb idea.  When Rick Wetzel of Wetzel’s Pretzels decided to run with his wife’s idea to sell big, soft pretzels at the mall, he sold his Harley to raise funds.  The genesis of the Marshmallow Fun Company was a homemade toy that Kim and Beaver Raymond created for their son.  In today’s post, learn about the  humble beginnings of these and other companies that now net millions.  While there are many factors to consider before making the leap to start a business, stories like these remind us to humor ourselves a bit before we disregard what could be a fun and lucrative venture.

“People Who Quit Their Jobs and Made Millions.”

 

PUSHING THROUGH THE WAIT

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by Now What?® Coaching Founder, Laura Berman Fortgang

High on the list of painful experiences, in my opinion, is waiting.  Waiting for answers to a job interview, a college  application, a turn in your luck, or any other potentially life-changing outcome.  There is little comfort in holding your breath to see how the rest of the story is going to turn out.

Even beyond those suspenseful moments, is the kind of waiting that has been going on for people in career transition during the last three years of the Great Recession.  It’s the most grueling kind of waiting. Waiting for clarity.  Waiting for a relief from the financial bleeding.  Waiting for a contact to come through or better yet, a job or business momentum that seems sustainable.

So much self-torture happens on top of the pain of waiting.  Beating yourself up, wondering if your choices got you where you are, the fights that happen at home from the stress of facing the unknowns.  As bad as this all sounds, there is a way out or at least many things that can help reduce the strain.

SELF CARE

Being nice to yourself and taking extra good care of your body, mind and spirit is really important when you are in waiting hell.  You may not have the budget you are used to, but this is a good time to come up with creative ways to be good to yourself.  If you gave up the gym membership, you can still walk and do calisthenics.  If you can’t get an expensive service at the salon, do one at home or find a new place that offers a discount to first timers.  Be aware of eating well and being around positive people.  Care for your mind with rest, relaxation and keep any berating self-talk at bay.

STRUCTURE

I’ve mentioned this in other articles, but creating a structure for your day is really important if you are waiting for answers or for something to land.  Without structure, it’s easy to get depressed, oversleep and waste time in front of the TV or computer.

Make a schedule for yourself.  A time to get up, a period of time you will work daily on your career transition, scheduled exercise, meetings out of the house and most importantly, have something to look forward to every day whether it’s a good book you are reading, a person you are going to see or some form of entertainment.

CONNECTION

It’s natural for many people to isolate during an uncomfortable time and especially if they are embarrassed or ashamed of their situation in any way.  The waiting game is the worst time for isolation.  Connecting with others is so crucial to keeping your spirits up and engaging fully with life. 

See people, join a group of like-minded folks—career transitioners or any common interest group, and take time to tell the people you care about how they can support you during the wait.  Do you want distractions? Do you want people to listen to some venting?  Do you want hands-on help with anything? Be clear, be honest and DON’T isolate.

Also under connection, is connecting with yourself.  Whether through prayer, meditation or journaling, connect with you and the sources of power you believe in.  This is a time to stay connecting and not shut down.

ACTION KEEP MOVING FORWARD

The best antidote to waiting is not waiting.  It’s continuing to take action.  Yes, sometimes, action for action’s sake.  Action looks like networking, calling people, researching on the internet, making connections.  It means taking risks and not letting waiting get the best of you.

I can’t wait for this time in the history of the American and Global Economy to be a distant memory, but in the meanwhile, we want to support you to get where you want to go.  Let us know if we can help.

Our next free call is this WED, March 7th 2012