Life Lessons

What is “Enough” for You?

By Laura Berman Fortgang on December 10, 2023

A recurring theme has been showing up in my conversations with clients and people in my community over the past couple of weeks — a spirit of discontent.

More than usual, people seem to be disappointed and miffed that they’ve missed some arbitrary mark.

I have to admit — if I were new to coaching, I might be feeling a little distressed myself. But I’ve been at this for decades now, and I know exactly what’s going on here. It’s the end of the year…

Folks have launched businesses, filled programs, and met revenue goals. They’ve been featured in magazines, interviewed on popular podcasts, and appeared on TV. They published books, got promoted, or quit their corporate job. Impressive stuff!

But it wasn’t enough. And for some, it’s never enough.

Especially around this time of year, as people pause to reflect, I’ve come to expect it. So I thought you could use a heads-up . . .

No matter how much you’ve accomplished in 2023, there’s a good chance you might find yourself feeling it too: you didn’t do enough, your results weren’t enough, and you are not enough.

However, I want you to know this —

Suffering happens when you don’t meet your own expectations. The tricky part is that your expectations can become a moving target as your hopes, dreams, and aspirations evolve, grow, and become influenced by what you see around you.

How can you reduce this suffering?

Remember that ambition — Your passionate and dedicated drive to want more is good! BUT discontent — the feeling that you’ve let yourself down — doesn’t do you any good.

How do you strike the sweet spot? I have to thank my good friend, best-selling author and writing coach Jennifer Louden, for this one. She suggests coming up with your very own “conditions of enoughness.”

Look inward, give it some deep thought, and determine…

What is enough money?
What are enough sales?
What is enough time?
What is enough fame?
How will I know when I have enough?
How will I know when my desires are met?

You control the relationship you have with your desires. How’s that going for you?

When you’re not happy because you’ve let yourself down, you’re causing your own suffering. It’s often what causes that paralysis — when you want something better but can’t bring yourself to take action. The tension forms a chasm that’s difficult to close.

Creating from a wounded place means creating more suffering. Everything becomes more difficult.

If you want to experience success, fulfillment, peace, and happiness, you must find your “conditions of enoughness.” From there, striving for more is easy; it can come and go, and you’re still okay.

Creating from a place of contentment not only feels better, but it’s your ticket to experiencing the success you desire.

New Balance

By Laura Berman Fortgang on December 3, 2023

The high-level executive keeps telling himself he’ll have time again soon – that it’s just a busy time, and it’ll slow down in the near future. However, he’s been telling himself that for SIX MONTHS!

A slow down just typically doesn’t happen.

How does he find a balance?
How does he reclaim his life?

THAT is something that I’m sure many of you can relate to no matter what your work is, whether in corporate, as a business owner or being a busy parent.

There are only so many hours in a day, and I’ll say again what bears repeating: You can’t manage time. You can only manage yourself.

Ask Yourself a Few Questions:

Who do you want to be?
If you’re suffering now, that’s not who you want to be. Think about how you want to live, and how you want to behave daily (i.e., I want to be a present parent instead of being a distracted one. I want to be a boss that trusts vs. micro-managing).

What has to happen for you to be that person?
Write down a truthful answer whether you can accomplish those changes or not.

How do you betray yourself now?
Take a close look at how you behave differently from what you’d like to have happen. Yes, those are betrayals of yourself!

Take on a Few Tasks:

Examine your rules.
They’re meant to be broken if they cause you to suffer. Sometimes it’s you who puts limits or unreasonable standards in place that throw your work and life out of whack.

Write down what only you can do.
I can bet that there are items on your calendar and your to-do list(s) that could be done by somebody else if you let go of the reins a bit. Examine your calendar and your activities and determine if you truly need to be there or be the one doing them.

Hire!
Take some things off your plate by hiring them out (don’t be stingy with yourself; you can do it!) Corporately, look at it honestly as you budget for next year and see if there is room for a hire, a chief of staff, or a second assistant. Also notice if you don’t trust certain current team members to be able to take on some of the things you shouldn’t be doing if additional training or a change in staffing is required.

Consider:

Some things you can’t change. If you work in a toxic work environment, you may not have the power to change it. You must consider your options.

I was once hired by a large pharmaceutical company to run a work-life balance training for their sales force. I asked to survey the team first to get a sense of what the issues were with work and life integration.

The survey showed me that this company truly did not walk their talk. They wanted to provide a session to improve their teams’ lives, but they didn’t truly, in practice, believe in it. I refused the job after I did the survey and told them why.

They came back a week later and asked me to work with their leadership team on this initiative because it had to come from the top down to change the culture, which I did.

If your company doesn’t really have policies that allow you to have a decent quality of life outside of work, you have to consider leaving.

There will never be a perfect “balance.” It just doesn’t exist. Something will always tilt the pendulum in the opposite direction, but it IS possible to find a new balance – an integration – where you have less stress and are living in a way that makes you like your work. Heck, maybe even love it!

We’re here to help…

How (and Why) to Forgive in Time for the Holidays

By Laura Berman Fortgang on November 26, 2023

The holiday season is upon us, which brings with it a mixed bag of feelings for many folks.

There’s a lot of talk about gratitude this week, which is important, of course…

But let’s face it, sometimes we’re not exactly in a grateful mood — especially when gathered around the table with people who push our buttons, or when avoiding gatherings with people who’ve hurt us, or when being haunted by feelings of abandonment by those missing from the table.

This time of year kicks up a lot of emotion; it can be rough.

However, I’ve found one of the best ways to brighten a dampened holiday spirit is to practice forgiveness.

Hold on – bear with me here. I’m not asking you to accept unacceptable behavior.

What I am encouraging you to do is detox your system from the poisonous effects of holding onto pain from the past, whether it’s a slight grudge or a deep wound.

Forgiveness is for you, not the person who hurt you.

People come from the limit of their own growth and experience.

If someone has transgressed, trespassed, or done something bad, understand this: they’re doing the best with what they have.

It doesn’t mean they’re right; they could be dead wrong. It simply means that, for whatever reason, that person is (or was) limited by their own growth and experience. Something went wrong somewhere, somehow.

Forgiving isn’t excusing. It’s about gaining freedom from the thing that’s weighing on you.

Here’s how to do it —

Step One: Accept that the person is/was limited. No matter how lacking or wrong their actions.

Step Two: Imagine the future YOU want for yourself. Do you want to get along with this person? Do you want to go “no contact” with this person? Decide what outcome you desire.

Step Three: Detach yourself from the situation and the outcome. Stop giving it energy. Don’t add fuel to the fire. No more talking about it, venting about it, or thinking about it. Focus on moving on.

Remember — whether you choose to keep this person in your life or remove them from your life completely — forgiving does not mean you are making what they did (or continue to do) okay.

This is not giving this person your blessing.

You’re not agreeing with behavior that goes against your value system.

Simply practice forgiveness for your own good.

May you forgive and may you be forgiven.

For those who celebrated, I hope the Thanksgiving holiday was a bright moment!

How to Create Your Own Luck

By Laura Berman Fortgang on November 19, 2023

Do you ever find yourself thinking, “she’s so lucky”?

Maybe you’re scrolling through your socials and see the woman who has it all — a successful career, a beautiful home, a seemingly perfect family, and a timeline full of vacation photos.

Or maybe you find yourself scoffing, “she’s just lucky.’

You stumbled across your competition quoted in the New York Times, learned your coworker got a big promotion, or heard that a coach who started her business after you landed a major book deal and hit multiple six figures this year.

We all do it sometimes.

But are they really luckier than you?

Maybe…

But did they also play a part in creating their own luck?

Without a doubt!

Sure, some people are born on third base, but there are no guarantees. No matter where you’re starting or what your circumstances are, your best bet to strike it lucky is to go out there and create the circumstances by which luck can find you.

I always say, one of the biggest benefits of coaching is that it helps you learn how to create your own luck.

If you want to become a luckier person, here’s what to do —

Clear the slate.
Get rid of the things that aren’t serving you — unfinished business, belongings you don’t need, baggage from the past, and toxic relationships. Think of your best life as a UFO, hovering and waiting for you to sweep the landing pad free of obstacles.
Set boundaries.
Protect your time. Protect yourself from people who don’t respect you. Create clear guidelines on how you want to be treated and let them be known.
Get specific.
Be explicit about exactly what you want. Hone in on your defined goals. Stay focused on precisely what you’re looking to accomplish. Leave no room for misunderstanding.
Take action.
Take twice as much action as you think you need. Don’t leave anything to mere circumstance; do what needs to get done.
Practice detachment (this is the toughest part!)
Avoid getting too caught up in the outcome. Don’t allow yourself to be crushed if what you want doesn’t work out. Be light about it. Know that you’ve done your best and you’ll be okay either way.

Just as you enjoy a beautiful bouquet of flowers, but have to let it go after about a week, don’t make your goals so precious that you’re hurt by the need to adjust or abandon them.

I wish you great luck as you head into the holidays and begin closing out this year and planning for next.

Are You Prepped for Year-End?

By Laura Berman Fortgang on November 12, 2023

We’re heading into the end of the year. How are you feeling about it?

I don’t know about you, but things tend to get edgy around here.

People start to become anxious about hitting their goals and preparing for the year ahead — all while caught in the whirlwind of holiday shopping, navigating festivities, and hunkering down for the winter.

It’s a lot. If you allow it, the anticipation of everything that has to get done can get the best of you.

I always know it’s coming, so I like to get ahead of things and help my clients get prepped for the coming season. With a little readying, it’s possible to avoid the chaos and overwhelm as you wrap up this year and head into the next.

Here’s how —

1. Purge.
Get rid of anything that’s no longer serving you. Whether it’s physical or mental clutter, it’s time to let it go. From old holiday decorations you’ve been meaning to toss to old business offers you’ve held onto for too long—into the 2023 trash bin it goes! Keeping things neat, clean, tidy, and clear of baggage lightens your load and helps you feel in control.

2. Reduce what you tolerate.
Make a list of the things you’ve been putting up with and start crossing off the worst of it. If you’ve been letting people ignore boundaries, it’s time to reestablish them. If you’ve been putting up with clunky systems in your business that waste your time, it’s time to address that. Don’t walk into 2024 permitting the same old agitations to keep irking you.

3. Stock up.
Make sure you have the things you need to endure. You may not need to store food and stack firewood to make it through the winter, but your body is gearing down for a slower, hibernating pace despite your mounting to-do list. What can you have on hand to make the coming months easier?

If you take the time to prep for year-end now, you’ll see that the most important things will begin to emerge for you. You’ll create the space and ease to focus on finishing up what matters.

How to Quiet Your Anxiety So it Doesn’t Get the Best of You

By Laura Berman Fortgang on November 5, 2023

Over the past few years, you may have noticed anxiety is at an all-time high.

Dealing with our everyday responsibilities amidst the milieu of a global pandemic, political unrest, economic uncertainty, wars, mass shootings, natural disasters — you name it — isn’t exactly calming to the nervous system.

But hiding under a rock isn’t the answer. So what do you do?

As a coach, it’s my job to help clients navigate their career and business moves. The catch is, none of those moves happen in a vacuum.

If nothing else were going on — to throw a wrench in your plans, impede your decisions, and add stress to the mix — my job would be a piece of cake. But the reality is we’re always going to deal with challenges in our work and life, and the rising prevalence of anxiety has been a big one lately.

To get a handle on your anxiety so it doesn’t get the best of you, here’s what I suggest —

1. Remember, you can only control the things you can control. When you can’t control what’s happening, you only have control over your reaction to it.

2. Do things proactively to calm your nervous system. Exercising, meditating, spending time in nature, and hugging the people you love.

3. Monitor your thoughts. Keep in mind, fear is protective, but it’s not always accurate. Ask yourself if your fears are actually False Evidence Appearing Real. If so, make an effort to stick to the facts.

4. Know that all worry is about a future that’s not here yet. Why are you projecting the worst that can happen when you really have no clue how it will turn out?

5. Take action on the things that matter to you. Do one thing instead of nothing. Even if you make a tiny impact, you’ve made the only difference you can make.

I want you to know you are enough.
You can only do the best you can.

I’ll leave you with this: Namaste 🙏

If you’re unfamiliar with this Hindu term, it means “the divine in me greets the divine in you.”

When we come from the place of seeing the divine in the people we interact with, seeing the better part of everyone, we will bring about peace in ourselves, in our communities, and spread goodwill.

The more we focus on what we can control in ourselves and the more we greet the best in others, the more we keep anxiety at bay.