Now What?® Coaching

from Laura Berman Fortgang

Now What? Newsletter Articles

Parents and College: How One Coach/Mom is Riding the BIG Decision

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by Now What?® Coaching Founder, Laura Berman Fortgang

The time has come. My oldest child is applying to colleges. Ever since I was that age, I thought it terribly unfair that seventeen year olds feel forced to decide what they’ll be doing the rest of question_college_majortheir lives . As adults, we know they aren’t really deciding for life, but I still remember what that feels like as I relive it again with my son.

The irony this time is that while my parents forbade a degree in the arts (theatre being my passion and interest), my husband and I are faced with convincing my son that studying the only thing that has been his heart and soul since fifth grade (music) would be a good idea. He is the one worried about how he would make a living and what his life would be like if he pursued a degree in music, even though we aren’t. It is mind boggling to me that it’s not the parents whining the classic “How will you make a living at that?” It’s HIM!!

I had a feeling it was too good to be true….

Since touring colleges in April, Eldest Son was certain that a dual degree in music and recording engineering was his course of study to be. I loved it. He is not a center-stage person by nature, so working the booth with a deep knowledge of music and playing his instruments if and when he pleased seemed a perfect fit. There are only a dozen or so schools nationwide that provide equally strong programs on both sides, he didn’t want to go further than four hours away, bada-bing, bada-boom, done deal. He just had to get in. We had no worries about that happening.

Three weeks ago, he declared that after less than one full marking period of computer science class with the coolest teacher ever, he wants to be a computer science major. WHAT?! Applications are due December 1st!!!

This meant changing out some of the schools he was looking at because they offered no computer science. His academic track has not been towards this goal so right now the plan is to get in for music and have room for the pre-requisites in computer science. He still agonizes over whether he should drop music altogether. The suffering I remember feeling so deeply at that age has begun. Just mildly, but now I can see signs on his face that the knots in his stomach are growing.

It was time for the big guns to come out. Can Mom and Coach co-exist in the same body? It was time to find out. Coaches know the home should be a ‘coach free zone’ because it’s hard to be objective with your own flesh and blood. With that said, I am who I am. It’s going to come out, but the key for me has been to use it sparingly. I weave it in so they don’t even know it’s happening. Only once in seventeen years have I heard: “Don’t coach me.”

As the words came out of my mouth, I noticed my husband sit up a little straighter and look at me somewhat in shock and maybe with a little awe. OK… maybe the awe was just wishful thinking.

Anyway, I challenged Eldest. “Listen, you can go to school for whatever you want, but before you decide that music is not  your path of study, please take some time to think and come back to me with an answer. Tell me WHO music allows you to be. What calls you to that drum set? What puts you in the music room at school every free moment you have in the day? What happens to you when you play? What do you put out into the world because of this?

I’m waiting for the answer.

My desired outcome is to see is if this DNA-driven gift my kid has belongs in hobby mode or life’s work mode. I work with clients to discover these parts of what I call their Life Blueprint when we work on their life story*. The adults are usually brought back to this very moment my son is at trying to pick up a piece they left behind and integrate it back into their life. If not as a career, at least as an activity that brings them back to themselves, to wholeness, and to peace.

Music will always be a part of my son’s life. We’ve explored many of the forms it can take. Last week, he sat in the orchestra pit of a Broadway show, and he’ll observe in another Broadway pit Thanksgiving weekend. He plays in the school musical pit every year and has been hired locally for professional pit gigs. He LOVES that.

But here we teeter on the brink of the first decisions that will determine how music fits in his life and also reveal if I’m full of crap. His Dad and I did our arts-driven lives until we were thirty and then got ‘real’ jobs. No decision is forever and nothing is a waste.

As a parent, it’s hard not to be attached to one outcome or another. As a coach, I want to see his gifts honored, and I believe each of us has to have faith that we can beat the odds to do so. As the parent, I don’t want to see him give up before even trying. As a coach, I don’t want him to make a decision based in fear.

“Life will tell you if you’re wrong. You can’t figure it out 100%.” That’s what I tell my clients. That’s what I’ll tell my son.

OY

*Chapter Four of “Now What? 90 Days to a New Life Direction” instructs you on how to find the clues to your future direction based on your life story (not your resume).

 

Are We There Yet?!: The Enemy of Positive Change

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by Now What?® Coaching Founder, Laura Berman Fortgang

are we there yetSurrendering to a process is hard for a lot of people.

“What’s the outcome? What can I count on? Am I going to get what I want?”

These are the worries that derail process. They disrupt the flow and bring things to an abrupt stop like hitting the brakes on your car while in full 50 mile an hour motion. ABRUPT and JARRING to say the least. Dangerous too.

Whether the process is an experiment in a science lab, a rehearsal for a play, a career coaching engagement (three months minimum), or sitting in the chair for a haircut, the hoped-for result is hard to attain when you don’t allow the process to unfold.

Are you conducting a job search and getting frustrated? Are you trying to find answers to what you should do with your life? Are you trying to lose weight to less-than-stellar results? Are you trying to write a book?

Multitudes of activities that don’t get finished instantly require surrendering to the process. What becomes difficult is staying consistent, open and present when the changes are not evident yet.

How to surrender to the process?

I recently worked with two women who were trying to find their next career move. They started working with me around the same time. One has quit in frustration and the other is having doors open and possibilities prevail. She has set a date for when she’ll leave her current job and she’s full of positive expectation.

The difference between them?

One surrendered to the process and the other put the brakes on every day to make sure she was not being cheated or tricked or sent barking up the wrong tree. She lived in distrust and fear—distrust of me and the process and distrust in herself and her abilities. But mostly, distrust in the notion that good things could be awaiting her.

The first woman, who was getting results, took the plunge, did her homework, took the scary steps, kept her head down focusing on consistency, and not measuring results at every turn.

She is now very clear on what she needs to be happy in a career and is networking her way to her next opportunity. When she started, less than three months ago, she felt trapped without any clues as to where to go next or what to pursue. There were no possibilities at all. That’s not the case now.

I think of surrendering to a process the way one would climb a mountain. I’ve never climbed one like Everest or Denali so let’s stick to a steep hike up a New England ski mountain in the summer.

You know you have a long way to go. If you keep looking up it’s discouraging, but if you keep putting one foot in front of the other, taking in the view of how far you’ve come every now and then as you rest, you will make your destination.

If instead, you curse every step and keep looking up to the top (the finish line) it’s easy to lose your balance and maybe even trip and fall. It’s not that you can’t ever look to the top or to where you are headed, but it has to be kept in a positive perspective as encouragement, not punishment.

Process can be hard and it can be painful but more painful is our own judgment of it.
When we rail against it and curse it and judge ourselves for not being stellar, it just makes matters worse.

It takes a certain detachment to surrender to a process. The delicate balance of giving something your all but being able to hold off any judgment of how it’s going is an art in itself. Oddly enough, it’s absolutely necessary to get the best results.

Let’s not forget the underlying enemy to it all—loss. To change anything means to give up something. As much as we want a change, many cling to the pain they know because the familiar is less scary than the unknown. That results in never leaving the gate. Never putting your foot on the mountain. Never getting to the top in exchange for the safety of the bottom.

Keep walking. Keep stepping. You don’t have to run. It’s not a race. It’s just change.

“Are we there yet?!” Are we where yet?—-2014 is quickly approaching its close. Did you get where you intended? If not, it’s not to late. You can still get there—stop measuring and up the action. Include your 2015 plans in your next steps too.

Let me know how we can help.

Is It Flying Or Is It Just Me?

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The last few years have felt like they’ve been speeding by and this one is on steroids compared to them. I feel catapulted iFlyingTimesnto outer space by the speed at which time flies. Oddly, the feeling bookends the individual days that seem to have plenty of time in them.

The push and pull, pulse-racing and deep breathing seems to be the ying and yang of recent times and I think it reflects what happens for the clients I work with on their careers. The rhythm of life and business don’t have a steady pace. It ebbs and flows and so does your career search or your ability to move ahead.

Can you harness that or control it? The key is to be ready for it and expect it. Circumstances don’t stay good or bad. Things are always in flux.

The way to deal with it is to create conditions you can control. You can control (or at least plan) a structure within which to work on the changes you want to create. Be consistent in those actions. For example, if you are looking into what you might do next or you are sending out resumes, keep doing the research and wallpapering the internet with your resume no matter what. Repetition is key.

I’ve recently started to step up my exercise regime after a long streak of doing minor amounts of physical activity due mostly to back issues. I hate working out so much it was easy to let the smallest amount of pain keep me from trying. However, the middle-age spare tire has been growing and the lazy streak had to stop. I’ve had to get back up to speed slowly—first taking restorative yoga classes and aerial yoga which is very easy on the body. Finally, it was time to take an intermediate level class. After the first one, I couldn’t walk for five days. Once I could walk, I came back every other day. My level of fitness is increasing. Weight loss will come but consistency is going to be the most important factor. I’m not back to doing a headstand or handstand. I am not back to full flexibility but I know it will come if I keep up consistent action. I know that they gym with weights and cardio will interest me again as I keep feeling better and wanting to build strength further and further.

Here is what I want you to take away from this. Consistent action. We can’t wait to see success. We have to just keep building and stop measuring the results.

Obviously, you are not going to persist if something is not working at all but with steady, consistent work peppered with the occasional burst of high-intensity creativity and action will get results. Just don’t give up. I’m saying that to myself too.

I worked with Scott in the last year on figuring out what he wanted to do with his life. We succeeded at gaining clarity on what his next career move needed to include to gain the satisfaction he was missing. When we parted ways, his job was to keep networking to make his way into a new field. What transpired over consistent action and time (less then four months) was that he was approached by a vendor he worked with through his job to lead their $800 million company. Scott’s story will appear in the updated and revised anniversary edition of Now What? coming out March 2015 so stay tuned for details.

Be consistent. Keep on your career quest. I’ll keep going to the (yoga) mat. Time won’t stand still for us but we will be less at the effect of it if we stay the course.

I Want To Quit!!!

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QUITExploring next career moves, doing a job search or starting a new endeavor like your own business are all daunting and often, frustrating propositions.

Many times you’ll come up against a lack of results or clarity that dumps a heap of hopelessness on you in the from of “I want to quit!!” Should you?

To quit or not to quit? What do you think I’m going to say? No! Of course, you don’t quit. Not yet anyway.

I always say: “ Life will tell you if you’re wrong. YOU don’t need to decide”. Roadblocks, a lack of results, obstacles and setbacks—those could all certainly be interpreted as life saying, “give up”. But maybe there’s another message.

If you were running a race or working out at the gym and you experienced pain, you’d have the choice to stop or to work through it. Most athletes work through it being sensitive to the threshold where they’d cause major injury. The smart ones also know to build in recovery time in between the big competitions or work outs.

When it comes to your exploration or ramp-up, ‘pain’ can mean, “Wait!” Just pull back, observe, divert your attention to something else to gain perspective and then
re-engage.

Taking your foot off the accelerator and coasting in ‘neutral’ for a bit can go a long way to knowing whether to proceed and how to do so or whether to redirect your energies to something else altogether.

Maureen is Senior VP in the finance industry and she has been on a campaign to further her career. She knew it wasn’t time to begin a job search but she did feel that strategizing a way to be better known and more valuable in her organization as well as her industry at large, was necessary to her future plans.

She made a Herculean commitment to networking and even cold calling at an ambitious pace of several times a week. She was quite successful and then hit a wall. People weren’t calling back at the same rate, the lunch meetings weren’t happening and the pipeline was drying up.

There was some harsh self-criticism, berating herself for quitting her pace, but we reframed that to allow herself some breathing room. In the open space, an opportunity appeared to be given larger responsibility along with greater exposure within her company. Succeeding at the new task would be a huge boost and resume-building highlight which would poise her for a promotion or better opportunity elsewhere.

Let’s call what happened to Maureen the result of ‘focused in-action’. She wasn’t giving up but she was allowing a break to see what might emerge. In this case, an opportunity came up but you might find inspiration for a different strategy, the idea to call on someone else you may need to talk to or you may find a slight course correction.

The next time you want to quit, take a break instead. Allow some focused in-action and pick up within two to three weeks. If you go longer, it will become unfocused in-action and you could derail. If nothing emerges in your break, you may need to go back to drawing board. It’s OK.TakeABreak

Quit? Never. You may have to go a different way but keep your eye on the ultimate prize—-a satisfying line of work. It just may look different than you thought.
Let us know how we can help.

Seven-Year Itch

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by Now What?® Coaching Founder, Laura Berman Fortgang

itch Laura July newsletter

On the seventh month of the year, I am reminded about the ‘Seven-Year-Itch.’ If you’re not familiar with that term, it’s usually used in the context of romantic relationships or marriage where the newness is gone and there could be a growing restlessness to explore new horizons. Further back in time, around 1900, it was a skin disease that had a seven-year cycle. It’s also known that every seven years the cells in our bodies have run a cycle and are renewed. And finally, from a personal growth standpoint, we too evolve to a new level every seven years or so.

If you are in a period of career restlessness, take a look at the seven-year cycles in your life. Are you coming up on one or have you just passed one? Then it makes perfect sense that you are crawling in your skin to take on a new iteration.

Imagine a butterfly coming out of a cocoon or a snake shedding its skin. These are great mirrors in nature of what you are going through. The pain of change comes in the resistance to this natural flow or in the fear of what you must let go of to allow the evolution.

RESIST

Are you resisting change? How would you know? You’d busy yourself to not ‘have time’ to make any changes. You may be irritable or avoidant when the subject of taking action to rectify your dissatisfaction comes up. You may have a litany of ‘reasons’ why you are stuck or unable to make a change.

FEAR

Are you afraid of scratching the itch? Most of the symptoms mentioned above also confirm fear but other signs of fear might be resorting to blame or taking on a victim role. Fear could also show up as complete paralysis. No action, no thought, perhaps sleeping too much or finding other ways to numb yourself like drinking, watching too much TV, using drugs or engaging in other less-than-forward-moving habits.

ENDURE

If the ‘itch’ is at the boredom level and has not quite escalated to misery, it’s time to spice things up a bit. Spearhead a project, forge new workplace alliances or network outside of your current world. Challenge yourself by taking on a new task or skill. Do something to grow personally and professionally.

However, if you are approaching misery or have been unhappy with your work life for a long time, the change that’s calling is more radical and avoiding it longer will not help. You always have the option of starting to take small steps to invite change. However, you likely know in your gut, as I do, that it’s time to pull a piece out of the ‘Jenga’ game and let the whole thing fall so that you can build anew.

Something’s trying to emerge. Will you let it?

 

You Asked, You Got, Then Came Trouble

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by Now What?® Coaching Founder, Laura Berman Fortgang

Have you ever had the experience of setting out to make a positive change in your life, only to have it start an avalanche of changes that scares andAvalanches  overwhelms you?

A few of my clients have had this experience lately and I’ve seen it a lot over the years.

Sometimes the avalanche of change is full of desirable things piggy-backing on the positive step you wanted to make in the first place. Other times, the avalanche is more saboteurial in nature, distracting you from where you really want to go. Both can derail you. Read on to find out how to keep it in check.

IS THIS YOU?: THE HAPPY AVALANCHE

You’ve been miserable for a long time. You know you want to make a move, and even know what it is, but you are not sure how you would do it or what it would look like exactly . You take a chance, hire a coach, quickly get clear and start taking scary steps. Suddenly, everything you want and more than you could ever dream of starts to pour in—Miraculous coincidences, lucky moves, desires fulfilled! What to do?

Believe it or not, most people know to be grateful, but there is something very unsettling about the floodgates opening up. People start behaving like they’re drowning. Overwhelmed, breathless, and the opportunities are forcing them to grow and make decisions at an alarming rate, somewhat in a panic. Often, this happens while simultaneously trying to complete the old job, task, or relationship you are letting go of.

ACTION ONE: Breathe!

Slow down the pace of change simply by relaxing into your body. Breathe more deeply, walk more slowly, take the time to answer thoughtfully. Don’t get swept up in the wave.

ACTION TWO: Make peace with failure

If you’re not perfect keeping up your old activities as you navigate the new, forgive yourself. Delegate what you can. Do what’s most important, but let it be OK if something falls through the cracks. That goes for the new adventure too. Certainly, striking while the iron is hot is important but know that you are learning and that there will be unexpected turns. Forgive yourself.

ACTION THREE: Stop being a Lone Ranger

Change is hard. You don’t have to do it alone. Sometimes it comes so fast, we don’t feel we have time to reach out, but reach out you must. A mentor in your new chosen endeavor, friends who can just listen or help, or even a hired assistant to temporarily do some grocery shopping, chores, errands or child wrangling if possible. If you’re working with a coach, use them well during the avalanche.

IS THIS YOU? THE SABOTEUR AVALANCHE

You’ve been ready to explode for a long time or maybe you’ve gotten sick of hearing yourself complain so you hired a coach and got going trying to forge new directions. Clarity starts to come because you start admitting to yourself out loud what you really want for yourself. You work hard to start moving in that direction, thwarting old habits and traps, things start looking hopeful and then BAM! small disasters start happening. You catch a flu bug, someone dear passes away, your job gets more demanding leaving no time for yourself and you’re a victim of identity theft. Yea, it’s not OR it’s AND. The saboteur avalanche doesn’t mess around. It’s usually not just ONE thing that gets in the way. What do you do?

I do find that people who have been holding off doing what they know they need to do for many years, tend to have the nastier avalanche. However, it’s important not to blame yourself. CHAOS is how the world reorganizes itself. And it happens. You did not DO anything to bring this on. The test is not whether you caused it, but rather, how you deal with it.

ACTION ONE: Breathe (funny—the same for both types)

Slow your breath to get a grip on the changes.

ACTION TWO: Don’t take it personally

Stuff happens. Don’t let it erode your sense of self. Watch how you talk to yourself in your head. Stop blaming yourself or thinking disparaging things. Do whatever you can to not ADD to the DRAMA. As you talk to others and as you deal with the losses or changes, try to remain neutral. If you editorialize and overdramatize, you add fuel to the fire by whacking out your adrenal glands and making your body remain in the stressed state too long -Tough for getting your wits about you and persevering.

ACTION THREE: DO NOT give up

Too many times, I see people give up. Like being in the Indy 500 and just pulling over to quit, you’re more likely to get seriously hurt. Yes, timing is a factor and sometimes it pays to wait, but when the nasty avalanche happens, it’s not a sign that you were NOT meant to have what you want or that you were heading in the wrong direction. It is just a BIG nasty test to see how badly you want what you say you want.

DO NOT GIVE UP. NO matter which kind of avalanche shows up, do one small thing a day (or at least a few times a week!) to keep moving in the new direction. It will pay off.

Change is hard. That’s why most people don’t do it. But you ARE doing it, and that deserves applause. BRAVO! Now get to work.