Now What?® Coaching

from Laura Berman Fortgang

Laura Berman Fortgang

Is Normal What You Really Want?

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In New Jersey, COVID restrictions are being lifted and a quick return to  ‘normal’ is unfolding.

I spent every day of the Memorial Day weekend meeting with different friends and family we haven’t been able to see in over a year. It was fantastic to be with people and enjoy their company and catch up.  It was also a HUGE source of anxiety.

I may be in the minority, but I don’t want the pace of COVID life to end!

No commitments on the weekends, plenty of time to work out, very little time spent in traffic or even in my car, together-time with my children and husband and time to cook, crochet, do jigsaw puzzles and redecorate my office.

I am very aware that I am one of the fortunate people.  We did not lose a loved one to COVID and we did not fall into financial ruin.  For that, I’m utterly grateful. I’m also compassionately aware that those with small kids at home or who were fully isolated during COVID had a whole other experience than I did.

My gratitude extends to being able to retool my business in such a way that I don’t have to rely on pre-Covid revenue streams if I don’t want to. That freedom and the personal flexibility I described above are the hard-won pivot that I want to keep as life accelerates around me once again.

How about you?  Do you want your old life back?

What do you want back?

and to keep from COVID life?

What COVID gave me was time to discern what mattered.  It showed me what is clutter and what’s necessary.  In business, it illuminated which activities were worthwhile and mine to master versus those that kept me in limbo as I waited for others to choose me so I could do what I love.

In my house, I could see what was no longer serving me and had become junk (bye, bye). It also showed me which friendships were deep and which were convenient. It gave me time to lose 32 pounds with focused effort and drop the ‘big lie’ in my own life that held me back, just to name a few changes.

What COVID gave a spotlight to in my role as an observer of patterns among clients was the many ways in which we use activity to distract us from things that truly make a difference to our health, well-being, and productivity.

For example, being ‘busy’ is a great way to avoid acting on changing jobs because you’ve stopped growing.  Drama at work or in the family keeps you from working on discovering and processing the triggers that make you want to create (or participate) in the drama in the first place!

What time and space allow for is awareness, mindfulness, and purpose. Doing things purposefully. Doing things on purpose vs. reacting to hair triggers.

Modern life makes it hard to be that mindful.  We reward stress. We reward heroic overworking. BUT YOU CAN reverse the Pavolvian response we have to those expectations.

Stop. Now. While you can still swim, before the current washes you into the barely navigable rapids, take stock.  What do you want to keep from COVID life? Make some new rules. (i.e., only one day/ night of the weekend is scheduled, the other is for spontaneity or nothing) Put some stakes in the ground, even with yourself about exercise, or quiet time, or reading or whatever it is for you.

Make good use of your time. It’s all you’ve got.

INTEGRITY – Does Your Work Have It?

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Let me catch you before you head in the wrong direction.

This is not a post lecturing you on honesty and character in the workplace.
No.
Not at all.

The direction I want to point you in is understanding integrity in the context of wholeness.

If a structure had no foundational integrity, it would fail. If your life has no foundational integrity, it will be very, very messy, and likely, dramatic. If your work has no integrity, it’s not aligned with who you are.

The past year of Pandemic Living has revealed many fissures in the infrastructure our lives and shined a spotlight on work/careers whether you got to keep your job or not. It either gave you time to think or time to be in very close quarters with issues you were either ignoring or didn’t know were there.

If you are sitting with a set of discoveries, none too comforting, then you may feel out of sorts.

How do you get back into integrity?

Rubik's Cube and integrity in your workGetting to wholeness requires telling the truth. It’s not easy to take a good, hard look at yourself and what has brought you to this point, but there is no escaping it. The truth will be your ticket to the other side whatever challenge you are facing now.

The steps are simple but require inner work to battle back the logic that tells you it’s not possible to make a change:
  1. Face the truth of what’s keeping you from integrity
  2. Name what’s missing
  3. Keep experimenting with what you have (resume/background), and want like playing with a Rubik’s Cube (OK maybe something not that difficult) so that
  4. you hit that moment when it clicks, the colors line up and the cube (and you) are WHOLE and in full INTEGRITY.

Three recent clients in my private practice have brought this integrity dilemma to our work as we contracted for me to help them gain clarity on their next career iteration. All three in hefty careers, all three knowing their industries no longer fit them. Who they are (what they want, value, need) was no longer aligned with what their industries contributed to the world, and they didn’t know what else they could do or be successfully employed at.

From the polluting side of energy to the sustainability side, from legal doldrums to an exciting and creative use of that skill set in the arts world and the seemingly happy kids’ clothes world to something (yet named, new client) that does not create as much waste and horrible working conditions for factory workers.

These are the kind of journeys back to integrity and wholeness I and the facilitators at Now What? Coaching takes people on from all walks of life.

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When Mom Comes Out of Quarantine

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Oh My God! COVID-19 is no joke, folks.

COVID-19 moved through four of my five family members, including me, in the last month at a rapid pace. From my oldest son, to my husband, to my youngest son and then to me after I played short order cook and butler to my crew of three quarantined men. I got hit with the most severe symptoms including fever, chills and a migraine headache that wouldn’t quit. It was bad. I don’t wish it on anyone.

In the fog of being sick, I had zero s#&@s to give. I had feverish delusions of living in the future only to have to back up to live in the present (symbolic lesson? Hmmm). I had no ability or motivation to keep up with work. I knew I had a new person coming in to help my almost 85-year-old mom, and I could surrender to her starting without my guidance or input. My husband was doing an amazing job keeping everyone in the house fed (all were out of quarantine but me by this time).

WHEN MOM COMES OUT OF QUARANTINE from COVID

And then, I turned the corner. I started feeling better. I was not “back,” but with three symptom-free days and quarantine officially over, I emerged from my sick room.

Oh MY GOD.

Life stood still. Nothing had moved. The packages that were supposed to go out were still in the same spot. Coats were left where they were two weeks ago. My plants were dead. The kitchen floor was littered with two weeks’ worth of crumbs. The kitchen tablecloth was stained, and my tulips from Passover/Easter week were naked stems in a pot. It was surreal. I felt like I was walking through two weeks in slow motion.

I had felt very well taken care of during quarantine – receiving food, drink and symptom-checks in the comfort of my bed, and I didn’t really care what was going on outside my door. Everything seemed in order. Little did I know that chaos was the true state of things. Nobody cared, and I only cared when I had to see it. Is it chaos if it doesn’t adversely affect anyone?

It does not gratify me in the least to see that my presence makes a difference to the flow and efficiency of my home. It’s long been a pain point for me that my family is not naturally fastidious when it comes to keeping a neat and orderly home. It’s a battle I’ve fought. It eventually became a battle I was just not willing to take on over and over again.

These two COVID-19 weeks showed me where my business needs reinforcement in case I ever drop out like this again, and on the home front, I was once again shown that I have a higher need for order than the rest of my family. What’s changed is that re-entering the world after two weeks made me see it’s not personal. It is SO not personal. I see that more clearly now, and it will help me be less reactive in the future. I’ve always taken it personally. COVID-19, and its no S#*@s to give, was a great teacher. (I’m not looking forward to vaccine #2. I’d like no more teaching!)

How Do You KNOW You’re Making the Right Choice?

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When you’ve been in job search and finally have an offer, or you’re faced with deciding to spend money on a training that could help you in your business, or you’re at a crossroads and aren’t sure which way to go . . . these are just some of the scenarios my clients face when they have to make a big decision. Everyone wants certainty. They want to know their choice will be the right one. They want a guarantee!

How Do You KNOW You're Making the Right Choice?Life comes with no guarantees. I don’t have to tell you that. Sometimes, we do have those unshakeable, big YES’s that resonate through our mind and body, but most of the time, anxiety and uncertainty make it hard to decide. How can you make a decision you can feel really good about? One where you knew you could step out into the abyss and trust you won’t fall.

Check out this acronym for CHOICE.
Criteria – What’s Your Criteria for This Decision?
I often ask folks who come to me for career clarity support what their criteria is for happiness in a job. Most can’t answer. We may not have thought of it that way. So, I’ll ask now.

What is your criteria for happiness in a career or job? What is your criteria for investing in your professional or personal growth? What is your personal criteria for making any decision?

I suggest an easy measure. Is your decision based in fear or love of self? Sure, hard times sometimes means taking a job you’re not thrilled with to have the income, but let’s look at this in the context of ideal conditions. Are you making this choice out of fear:

Fear that it’s your last chance at something?,that you’re going to make a mistake so you do nothing? and that you’re missing out on something? Making a decision out of fear (unless that fear is a good motivator – like I’m afraid I’ll run out of money so I’ll get a solid foundation again – needs to be recognized and evaluated.

Have Faith – Have Faith in Yourself
How often have you let yourself down? Do you have a good track record of making decisions that serve you well? If so, use that to boost your confidence in the current decision.

If not, think about what you’ve learned from your mistakes. Were you rushed or pressured in making previous decisions? Did you listen to others instead of honoring what you wanted? and get burned through no fault of your own? Keep these things under consideration and build your ability to trust yourself.

OBSERVE – Observe Your Monkey Mind
The Buddhists call your noisy inner critic the Monkey Mind. Does your Monkey Mind chatter too much and too loudly?

Do you find yourself focusing on what you “should” do or not do? The word “should” is a giveaway that you are not thinking about what you want but rather what you think is expected or “better.”

Also watch for guilt in your decision making. I propose that there are two kinds of guilt. Good guilt and bad guilt. Good guilt is trying to warn you that you might be forming a regret. Like not seeing a friend who is sick when you’re close by. Bad guilt is all the anxiety about whether you were grateful enough for an interview, or if you did the right thing as far as presentation is concerned. It’s back to those “shoulds.”

INTUITION – Intuition Needs to be Included
When you lean too heavily on your logical left brain, you exclude your creativity, dreaming mechanism and the possibilitarian* in you is silenced. Trust your gut when making decisions. Read the next step to understand how to know what intuition is and what it feels like.

CLARITY – Get Clear on What You’re Feeling
Discernment is key here. Can you feel the difference between fear and intuition in your body? Interviewing people over the years, my observation is that fear is jarring and unsettling, while intuition is calmer. Intuition can be persistent, but the overall feeling is gentle.

Back in the day, my acting teacher, Kate McGregor Stewart, used to say: “Fear is just excitement without the oxygen.” Feeling the difference between fear and excitement is important too. Yes, you can be experiencing both at the same time, but for the best decision making, it’s helpful to know/feel the difference.

EVALUATE – Evaluate the Support Your Supporters Give You
It’s normal to want to bounce your ideas and decisions off of trusted folks in your life. However, it is important to keep in mind that often, our nearest and dearest aren’t always the best supporters because they project their own fears on to you.

They might say you are crazy for leaving your industry, or that your idea doesn’t have merit. You MUST consider the source of these comments. People come from their own fears and limits and will project them on to you causing you to doubt yourself.

I’ve observed that when people tell you “you’re crazy,” you’re probably on the right track. You’ve made the other person question their courage, or maybe their status quo and comfort zone depend on what you do. That would cause them to voice their doubt.

Decisions are hard. Having more knowledge about yourself and how you make them, helps them become easier, more fluid, and produce the best outcomes.

Ultimately, there are no wrong decisions. Everything is AFGO.

*Norman Vincent Peale:
Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see the possibilities — always see them, for they’re always there.

The Helplessness of Career Transition

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Day in and day out I talk to people who are on a quest to make a change in their work and, therefore, their lives. With that daily privilege comes a front row seat to all the ways that people get in their own way. I’m a witness to helplessness in career transition and as harsh as this may sound, I think the helplessness is a convenient excuse.

Lorraine (name changed to protect confidentiality) was part of a COVID purge and was deflated by the swift and unexpected turn of events in her life. Perfectly understandable she had feelings of betrayal and loss. She could withstand unemployment for a while, but she felt paralyzed by the prospect of finding a new job during an economic downturn.

She admittedly enjoyed some time off, but as the days grew to weeks and then months, she found herself spinning and procrastinating. It was easier to focus on her kids and home projects. She didn’t even want to face the computer and plant herself down to research or apply for jobs online.

Sound familiar?

The Helplessness of Career Transition

Let me offer some different ways of thinking that can help you plant your butt in that seat and put daily action into your job search.
You must shift from:

• Victim to Opportunist — What if life’s sideswipe was not something that happened TO you but rather it was something that happened FOR you? This “new-agey” adage is becoming cliché, but it’s so accurate. Seeing yourself as a victim of this circumstance is a waste of time. Instead, realize it’s an opportunity to correct what you may have not liked about your previous post.

It may be the very kick in the pants you needed to make a change or at least wake you up out of complacency and make you take a good hard look at yourself. What if this really was part of a plan to get you on a path to something better? What will it take for you to see it as an opportunity?

• Lost to Grounded — So many clients feel lost. I know it’s unsettling but feeling grounded, focused and on a path is instantly available. Adopt a different mindset. Reframe “I’m lost” into “I’m uncomfortable not knowing my destination” or “I’m figuring it out.” Both are more powerful than “I’m lost.” It’s OK to not know where you’re headed as long as you make the work of finding the next thing your current destination. You’re on a path to finding the next thing.

• Scared to Willing — Fear is normal. It can be a great motivator until it isn’t because it freezes you, making action impossible. All you need is the will. Are you willing to do what it takes to get to the next job? You don’t have to know exactly HOW you’ll get there, but you have to be willing.

Your thoughts determine your action. If you’re scared and action is zero, “willing” will move you into action. What are you willing to do?

• Loser to Winner — It is FAR too easy to start believing you’re a loser because you were let go or something came to an end without your permission. I had a conversation yesterday with a man who was let go from his last two jobs. He had a sad sack story and was sliding into the pit of despair.

I asked him if it was his fault that those two jobs disappeared. The answer was equivocally no. There was no performance-based reason. These were cutbacks due to the policies of the last four years and then COVID. Surprisingly, saying it out loud that his losses were not his direct fault freed him from his “sad” story, and he was very energized as he told me his thoughts about the changes in his industry that led to the cuts.

He left the conversation with some clarity about where he could find new opportunities just by changing his MIND!

Helplessness is a result of not having practice. Who practices being unemployed? Nobody. There is no preparation training or even discussion about it. It likens to a tabu disease that evokes shame as if it were your recklessness that brought it on.

If you get no practice for being in between jobs (we hope you don’t have practice!), then how should you know how to cope? You don’t. Therefore, what’s required is more discipline and structure than you had when you were in a job. You have to create that for yourself.

Help yourself because it makes you MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE as a candidate for employment. Would you hire the sad, helpless person, or the one who exudes well-being and clarity about their value?

Hmmmm. Come on, hop to it! You’re not helpless. Use your resourcefulness the way you would if this were a fun creative project you had to figure out. Pretend, if you have to. A new opportunity awaits.

A Horribly Good Year

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2020. The world was knocked off its axis. Humans, once again, had to be reminded that they are not in charge. Mother Nature nearly stopped the whole globe with a virus. The pollution over India, China, and the West Coast of the U.S. was almost non-existent as we learned that we actually do know how to stop global warming if we could care more about life than money for a month or two a year.

2020. The disparity of the worst and the best in people, and the best and the worst personal circumstances. Many are barely keeping their spirit from breaking due to the traumatizing losses this year has brought:

loss of life, of health, of companionship, of employment, of the freedom to move about, and the loss of food security in what is supposedly my “richest country in the world.”  Many of us have been brought to our knees, and if we have an ounce of awareness that life has been far from “normal” we couldn’t help but be transformed by 2020.

Certainly, my wardrobe has been transformed to become two sizes bigger, but in all seriousness, I count myself among the lucky because everyone in my life have stayed healthy despite a few positive COVID tests around us.

We are all still here. “Still here” also means my young, adult and almost-adult children are under my roof stopped in their tracks just as they were experiencing the start of college and for my eldest child, the early momentum of his chosen career. Dead stop. Online classes and the lack of work opportunities have been hard. “But we have our health,” I tell them. (Perspective does not come easy when you’re young and hungry to experience the world.)

My 2020 was not off to a great start even before COVID. Several avenues I was expecting to be available to me after spending a year running for political office were not welcoming me with open arms. New book? Nope. Ongoing work with one of my favorite customers? Nope.

Now what?! I started down the path of bringing my skill set back to the corporate sector (vs. the public) and doors began to open. Then, after a fun March day in NYC catching a matinee with a dear friend – BAM – the world closed. It was not a good time, but I will be grateful for this year for a long time.

There were a lot of silver linings from the chaos of this year. As I said in my prediction article for 2021, remote work will outlast this crisis. I’ve worked from home since the 1990s, but what was different and what I want to remember is the pace. I’ve LOVED staying put on a daily basis. Not running to meetings gave me more time overall.

The slower pace translated into business being slow as people and companies struggled to figure out how to navigate a COVID world. However, I followed my own advice (after spending March on the couch) recognizing that this was an opportunity and not a catastrophe.

That allowed for some business pivots, planning and sales results that I’m very pleased with, and it would not have happened if it weren’t for the world standing still.

2020. Holidays. I finally experienced why I don’t quite succeed year after year at enjoying the holiday season as I’d like to despite preparing earlier and earlier every year. It required no parties, no guests, no shopping in person and no obligations! I do miss seeing people, but the lack of stress was mind-bending. How to achieve that when all the hoopla comes back? I’ll be pondering that.

I’m compelled to share what made me especially giddy this holiday season. I baked. More specifically, I mastered biscotti after some tutoring from an Italian cooking wizard friend, AND I watched at least one Hallmark Christmas movie every single night! They are awful – and wonderful! Even my very anti-Hallmark husband joined in as we nightly predicted the plots, the scripted lines, and what time the eventual kiss would happen (usually five to ten minutes before the end!) We even came up with a drinking game, but I have to protect my reputation and not tell you what it was. All that to say it was THE BEST holiday season I’ve had in a long time.

2020 delivered even more by showing me the power of focus and consistency. I’ve always had enough focus to succeed, but with so many pieces dropping out of the picture this year, it became painfully clear how I distract myself to a fault. I’m putting the infrastructure in place now to allow me more freedom like I’ve had lately, when life speeds up again.

This year also produced a significant mindset shift. On June 1st, I signed up to do online weight training every day for thirty minutes. I turned from flab to muscle again (Hello! I missed you) and with that came a mindset shift. Consistency (not perfection) became my game, and it paid off.

Moving that consistency every day into my work (even though there wasn’t much going on) progressed into some great insight, risk taking and harnessing energy to get new results. The takeaway is processing that it’s not the big hit right away that marks success, but rather focusing on the ultimate goal by doing more of the right things, more consistently.

So, 2020 was horrible but it grew me, and I know it grew you. We had to look at ourselves in the mirror because there was just no way to get away from ourselves. We were forced to examine everything, including the cracks in our ceilings (home repairs went up in 2020).

For some, there were very bad things to contend with. For a lot of us, we found out if we really liked our kids (oh, admit it), their schooling, our work, our partner, our belongings and our assumptions about race, politics and world events. Everything! Hopefully, you still like your peeps, but I know you’ve been changed. We will all be better people for all we’ve been through.

What I will be most grateful about 2020 was the time. The time to think, to create, to imagine, the time for gatherings at the dinner table every night and yes, the damn Hallmark movies!