Now What?® Coaching

from Laura Berman Fortgang

life coach

Life Lessons From A Disney Vacation

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Life Lessons From A Disney VacationAfter every holiday gathering, show and fun plan fell apart over the month of December, my family decided to forge ahead with our vacation to Orlando, Florida that we had been looking forward to for months. My young-adult children had their sights set on Disney (15 years after their childhood visit) and we just had to take the (COVID) risk and go.

The week in the parks put a spotlight on some lessons that might be worth sharing.

Planning

I can honestly say that many of my life’s highlights were moments that were unplanned but making dreams come true seamlessly takes a dance of flexibility and structure.

Getting reservations for meals at Disney is a competition that requires 5:40am wake up calls. Two days of failed attempts did not yield a spot at Cinderella’s Royal Table. We didn’t do that when my twins were six so it was on the 21 year old girl child’s must-do list. By day three of my failed attempts at the most desirable experiences, I had perfected a multiple-tabs-open strategy and landed a perfect dinner reservation in the castle. Whew!

So planning was key but the unplanned made the experience soar. We were pleasantly surprised that the ridiculously overpriced food was excellent AND that the servers cared so much that they made sure to move us to a window seat for dessert so we could watch the nightly fireworks from inside the castle. Oh my! Magic. My twenty somethings were struck like little kids and mom scored major points.

Lesson: Prepare AND let go! The magic is in the moment. The preparation creates the moment.

Values Are Your Guide

When I planned my wedding, I had a dream location in mind that was a 1940’s supper club. The price was so prohibitive that my budget would’ve allowed ten people at my wedding. I valued being surrounded by loving friends more than the location, so we changed plans.

Values informed the approach to the parks trip too. Staying on property at Disney comes with perks but I cared more about a) a place to spread out with a family of five (vrbmo) and b) not waiting on lines. The ridiculous system at the parks these days is about paying more for the privilege to skip the lines and yet I played that game. It was worth every dime to me.

Lesson: Values rule your choices, not marketing

Humans are thrill-seekers

It is astounding what we put up with to have a peak experience. Despite some fantastically short waits, our luck ran out on the Star Wars Rise of the Resistance ride. We couldn’t buy our way on or take the single rider line nor plan a fortuitous time to bypass the wait. SO, we waited AND the ride broke down adding to the time stuck in place. But guess what? People behaved. People entertained themselves and each other. Phones sure help pass the time and the ride was WORTH IT.

Climbing EVEREST, jumping out of a plane, building your body to peak shape—-whatever it is, we endure pain to win the prize.

Lesson: We will test our own limits to gain a thrill or a perceived prize.

Surrender Allows Wonder

By the time you board an attraction at these parks, you’ve done the hard work. (planning, scheming, waiting) You sit down, strap in and prepare to enter the unknown (or relive the familiar waiting to gain something new). Often, it’s more than your senses can absorb.

Wonder is the key ingredient and the trip begins. Is this why people indulge in psychedelics? Is this why virtual reality is so popular? There is a great adventure in crossing over from anticipation to real-time experience of the unusual and unknown. It’s a visit to the ‘beginner’s mind’ as well—taking in as much as you can, your senses and brain firing on all cylinders, your willingness to stay fully present (unless you are one to need to close your eyes), and landing on the other side assessing your experience. Was it good? What is disappointing? Do you need another turn to catch more of it?

Lesson: Life can be as thrilling if we mimic this suspension of disbelief

Last thought: “Is it really a vacation if you have to get up before dawn and have to walk 24K steps a day?”

Answer: Heck yes! We came home down on the scale after eating anything we wanted and donated a fridge full of midnight snacks we never ate (because we went to bed way before that) and NOBODY CAUGHT COVID!

Take a lesson and try it on for size.

* This was by no means meant to be an endorsement or guide to these attractions.
** I realize the privilege and ridiculousness of participating in the game.

The Forecast for 2022: Happy New Year

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You’re receiving this while I’m on vacation with my family which is a great relief after a year of hard work, tripling my business, and caretaking extended family members.  Last year, I did a predictive post which is not my usual MO.

I’m coming back this year to compare how those predictions played out and set the stage for what we need to think about in our businesses and careers in the new year.

⚡️ Prediction 2021: COVID-19 will obviously still be a factor for many months.

Status: Correct

Forecast:  We are not eradicating this virus anytime soon. Although many are more relaxed about it, we are not gaining enough traction to eradicate it in 2022
⚡️ Prediction 2021: Living anywhere you want is a possibility in 2021.  Remote work will not stop after COVID-19 restrictions ease up.
Status: Correct
Forecast: This will be a retention issue as the Great Resignation has emboldened many to have some sort of remote option be a condition for retention or hire.
⚡️ Prediction 2021: Your mental health, well-being, and physical health will matter more to companies than it has in the past after getting through COVID-19
Status: Uncertain

Forecast: Although many suffered mental health issues during COVID isolation, it is the employee who will make decisions based on keeping their mental health intact and the employers are going to take longer to realize they can no longer ignore the effects of the pandemic nor how the demands they make on the workforce affects their employees’ ability to be well and do their jobs.

⚡️ Prediction 2021: The gig economy got some respect during COVID-19 as many states recognized unemployment benefits for the self-employed for the first time. The gig worker is not going anywhere, and it is how many people will cope with industry changes and being laid off.

Status: Correct

According to Salesforce:  The Census Bureau reports more than 4.4 million new businesses were created in the U.S. during 2020 — the highest total on record. For reference, that’s a 24.3% increase from 2019 and 51.0% higher than the 2010-19 average. Half a million new businesses were started in January 2021, alone.

Forecast:  I’ve been screaming this since 1998 when I wrote “Take Yourself to the Top”, we are moving away from the corporate life being the American dream. More and more people (women in greater numbers) will move to self-employment to tame work to fit their lives.

⚡️ Prediction 2021: The hospitality, live-entertainment, and restaurant industry will be back with a vengeance, yet the question remains as to how much damage was done and did these establishments survive long enough to be resuscitated?  I hope we will have fair lending practices to bring back these staples of our social and cultural life we took for granted.

Status: I was wrong

The business are back and demand is there but establishments can’t find enough workers. Folks are done with low wage, thankless jobs. And many report the rudeness and entitlement of Americans as a major factor in leaving these jobs if they attempted to come back to them post-shut down. Hospitality, Restaurant Servers and even Flight Attendants are over it.

Forecast: Higher prices to cover higher wages required for employee retention.  I wouldn’t be surprised if we started to see more automation if workers abandon these fields altogether. Are you seeing more self-checkout at food markets?  Same concept.

Outside of entertainment/travel, we’ve got teachers and nurses being large swaths of caring and devoted workers reaching their breaking point and looking for new careers. (I talk to them every week)  Shortage in these areas will greatly affect our society.

There will be opportunity for younger folks to break in but if we don’t fix the core reasons why these folks are leaving their profession, it’ll be a perpetual problem.

⚡️ Prediction 2021: Climate events will continue to remind us who is in charge. The automobile industry decided to keep moving ahead with the development of clean energy cars despite some restrictions being lifted. They know that consumer demand is to save the earth, and the need to do so remains. When we are out of the COVID-19 disruption, people will think about this again.

Status: Correct  But only on the climate events part. 100 people dead in Kentucky from tornados as I write this. What will it take for people to demand change?

Forecast: Mother Nature will keep kicking our butts. It’s a new world and we do not have the infrastructure in place to withstand it. So if we did not prepare, we are forced into reaction mode. Which is more expensive? Preparing or reacting? Think of that in your businesses too.

What should you be preparing for? What infrastructure is needed to withstand what’s ahead (not necessarily climate-wise)

⚡️ Prediction 2021: The political climate will improve slightly, but the country remains divided, so it will be up to the individuals to reset the tone.

If a pandemic could not bring people together, a war won’t either. I’m reminded of a secular prayer:  Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.  Fear is divisive and creates scarcity. Peace within us requires hard work, but it needs to be done. Do your part in 2021.

Status: Correct and I was wrong —Correct, that not much improved. Wrong, in thinking that people might get tired enough of division to evolve.

Forecast: This is more of an intent than a prediction. Let’s start over. Press restart. Go see West Side Story if you didn’t see it yet. A remake of an old story of what hate does. It reminds us what the roots of hate are and shows us humans are slooooooow to learn.
The root of hate is fear. Not understanding a person, a culture, or a race and instead of becoming curious, becoming suspicious and scarcity minded.  That fear leads to tribalism and the result is division.

I wish you, your loved ones, your business team and all who matter to you, a prosperous new year filled with love, safety and inclusion.

How Do You Measure A Year In The Life?

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In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In 525,600 minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?*

Another year is ending, and while we thought last year was unique as we endured a pandemic-induced disruption of daily life, this one has left us further changed.

Did you go back to work? Did you quit? Did you shift your priorities? Did you discover something new about yourself?

How do you measure this year in your life?

I’m measuring in time spent with people. A lot more with many and too little with some and then others who fell away due to safety protocols or truthfully, politics. It was a terrific year for my business, but my life is smaller, and I like it. Less travel, zoom rooms instead of large gatherings, and more time at home post shutdown than I would’ve expected.

I’m happier with a smaller sphere, reaching more people with less sweat, stress and miles crossed. The camera has become my friend. Not something hits extrovert, ex-performer would have expected.

How do you measure a year in the life?

Truth. Tears shared. Healing.
Music, togetherness, laughter.
Internet purchases, redecorating (still only half completed)
New connections, new community (online),
New knowledge, pushing up against the edges, testing limits
Breaking barriers, standing in strength
Allowing partnership, asking for help.
Learning, learning, learning. Crying some.
Laughter, laughter, more laughter.
Love. A return to love**.

How will you measure yours?

I wish you every wish come true for this season of light-filled holidays.

When Mom Comes Out of Quarantine

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Oh My God! COVID-19 is no joke, folks.

COVID-19 moved through four of my five family members, including me, in the last month at a rapid pace. From my oldest son, to my husband, to my youngest son and then to me after I played short order cook and butler to my crew of three quarantined men. I got hit with the most severe symptoms including fever, chills and a migraine headache that wouldn’t quit. It was bad. I don’t wish it on anyone.

In the fog of being sick, I had zero s#&@s to give. I had feverish delusions of living in the future only to have to back up to live in the present (symbolic lesson? Hmmm). I had no ability or motivation to keep up with work. I knew I had a new person coming in to help my almost 85-year-old mom, and I could surrender to her starting without my guidance or input. My husband was doing an amazing job keeping everyone in the house fed (all were out of quarantine but me by this time).

WHEN MOM COMES OUT OF QUARANTINE from COVID

And then, I turned the corner. I started feeling better. I was not “back,” but with three symptom-free days and quarantine officially over, I emerged from my sick room.

Oh MY GOD.

Life stood still. Nothing had moved. The packages that were supposed to go out were still in the same spot. Coats were left where they were two weeks ago. My plants were dead. The kitchen floor was littered with two weeks’ worth of crumbs. The kitchen tablecloth was stained, and my tulips from Passover/Easter week were naked stems in a pot. It was surreal. I felt like I was walking through two weeks in slow motion.

I had felt very well taken care of during quarantine – receiving food, drink and symptom-checks in the comfort of my bed, and I didn’t really care what was going on outside my door. Everything seemed in order. Little did I know that chaos was the true state of things. Nobody cared, and I only cared when I had to see it. Is it chaos if it doesn’t adversely affect anyone?

It does not gratify me in the least to see that my presence makes a difference to the flow and efficiency of my home. It’s long been a pain point for me that my family is not naturally fastidious when it comes to keeping a neat and orderly home. It’s a battle I’ve fought. It eventually became a battle I was just not willing to take on over and over again.

These two COVID-19 weeks showed me where my business needs reinforcement in case I ever drop out like this again, and on the home front, I was once again shown that I have a higher need for order than the rest of my family. What’s changed is that re-entering the world after two weeks made me see it’s not personal. It is SO not personal. I see that more clearly now, and it will help me be less reactive in the future. I’ve always taken it personally. COVID-19, and its no S#*@s to give, was a great teacher. (I’m not looking forward to vaccine #2. I’d like no more teaching!)

How Do You KNOW You’re Making the Right Choice?

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When you’ve been in job search and finally have an offer, or you’re faced with deciding to spend money on a training that could help you in your business, or you’re at a crossroads and aren’t sure which way to go . . . these are just some of the scenarios my clients face when they have to make a big decision. Everyone wants certainty. They want to know their choice will be the right one. They want a guarantee!

How Do You KNOW You're Making the Right Choice?Life comes with no guarantees. I don’t have to tell you that. Sometimes, we do have those unshakeable, big YES’s that resonate through our mind and body, but most of the time, anxiety and uncertainty make it hard to decide. How can you make a decision you can feel really good about? One where you knew you could step out into the abyss and trust you won’t fall.

Check out this acronym for CHOICE.
Criteria – What’s Your Criteria for This Decision?
I often ask folks who come to me for career clarity support what their criteria is for happiness in a job. Most can’t answer. We may not have thought of it that way. So, I’ll ask now.

What is your criteria for happiness in a career or job? What is your criteria for investing in your professional or personal growth? What is your personal criteria for making any decision?

I suggest an easy measure. Is your decision based in fear or love of self? Sure, hard times sometimes means taking a job you’re not thrilled with to have the income, but let’s look at this in the context of ideal conditions. Are you making this choice out of fear:

Fear that it’s your last chance at something?,that you’re going to make a mistake so you do nothing? and that you’re missing out on something? Making a decision out of fear (unless that fear is a good motivator – like I’m afraid I’ll run out of money so I’ll get a solid foundation again – needs to be recognized and evaluated.

Have Faith – Have Faith in Yourself
How often have you let yourself down? Do you have a good track record of making decisions that serve you well? If so, use that to boost your confidence in the current decision.

If not, think about what you’ve learned from your mistakes. Were you rushed or pressured in making previous decisions? Did you listen to others instead of honoring what you wanted? and get burned through no fault of your own? Keep these things under consideration and build your ability to trust yourself.

OBSERVE – Observe Your Monkey Mind
The Buddhists call your noisy inner critic the Monkey Mind. Does your Monkey Mind chatter too much and too loudly?

Do you find yourself focusing on what you “should” do or not do? The word “should” is a giveaway that you are not thinking about what you want but rather what you think is expected or “better.”

Also watch for guilt in your decision making. I propose that there are two kinds of guilt. Good guilt and bad guilt. Good guilt is trying to warn you that you might be forming a regret. Like not seeing a friend who is sick when you’re close by. Bad guilt is all the anxiety about whether you were grateful enough for an interview, or if you did the right thing as far as presentation is concerned. It’s back to those “shoulds.”

INTUITION – Intuition Needs to be Included
When you lean too heavily on your logical left brain, you exclude your creativity, dreaming mechanism and the possibilitarian* in you is silenced. Trust your gut when making decisions. Read the next step to understand how to know what intuition is and what it feels like.

CLARITY – Get Clear on What You’re Feeling
Discernment is key here. Can you feel the difference between fear and intuition in your body? Interviewing people over the years, my observation is that fear is jarring and unsettling, while intuition is calmer. Intuition can be persistent, but the overall feeling is gentle.

Back in the day, my acting teacher, Kate McGregor Stewart, used to say: “Fear is just excitement without the oxygen.” Feeling the difference between fear and excitement is important too. Yes, you can be experiencing both at the same time, but for the best decision making, it’s helpful to know/feel the difference.

EVALUATE – Evaluate the Support Your Supporters Give You
It’s normal to want to bounce your ideas and decisions off of trusted folks in your life. However, it is important to keep in mind that often, our nearest and dearest aren’t always the best supporters because they project their own fears on to you.

They might say you are crazy for leaving your industry, or that your idea doesn’t have merit. You MUST consider the source of these comments. People come from their own fears and limits and will project them on to you causing you to doubt yourself.

I’ve observed that when people tell you “you’re crazy,” you’re probably on the right track. You’ve made the other person question their courage, or maybe their status quo and comfort zone depend on what you do. That would cause them to voice their doubt.

Decisions are hard. Having more knowledge about yourself and how you make them, helps them become easier, more fluid, and produce the best outcomes.

Ultimately, there are no wrong decisions. Everything is AFGO.

*Norman Vincent Peale:
Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see the possibilities — always see them, for they’re always there.

The Helplessness of Career Transition

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Day in and day out I talk to people who are on a quest to make a change in their work and, therefore, their lives. With that daily privilege comes a front row seat to all the ways that people get in their own way. I’m a witness to helplessness in career transition and as harsh as this may sound, I think the helplessness is a convenient excuse.

Lorraine (name changed to protect confidentiality) was part of a COVID purge and was deflated by the swift and unexpected turn of events in her life. Perfectly understandable she had feelings of betrayal and loss. She could withstand unemployment for a while, but she felt paralyzed by the prospect of finding a new job during an economic downturn.

She admittedly enjoyed some time off, but as the days grew to weeks and then months, she found herself spinning and procrastinating. It was easier to focus on her kids and home projects. She didn’t even want to face the computer and plant herself down to research or apply for jobs online.

Sound familiar?

The Helplessness of Career Transition

Let me offer some different ways of thinking that can help you plant your butt in that seat and put daily action into your job search.
You must shift from:

• Victim to Opportunist — What if life’s sideswipe was not something that happened TO you but rather it was something that happened FOR you? This “new-agey” adage is becoming cliché, but it’s so accurate. Seeing yourself as a victim of this circumstance is a waste of time. Instead, realize it’s an opportunity to correct what you may have not liked about your previous post.

It may be the very kick in the pants you needed to make a change or at least wake you up out of complacency and make you take a good hard look at yourself. What if this really was part of a plan to get you on a path to something better? What will it take for you to see it as an opportunity?

• Lost to Grounded — So many clients feel lost. I know it’s unsettling but feeling grounded, focused and on a path is instantly available. Adopt a different mindset. Reframe “I’m lost” into “I’m uncomfortable not knowing my destination” or “I’m figuring it out.” Both are more powerful than “I’m lost.” It’s OK to not know where you’re headed as long as you make the work of finding the next thing your current destination. You’re on a path to finding the next thing.

• Scared to Willing — Fear is normal. It can be a great motivator until it isn’t because it freezes you, making action impossible. All you need is the will. Are you willing to do what it takes to get to the next job? You don’t have to know exactly HOW you’ll get there, but you have to be willing.

Your thoughts determine your action. If you’re scared and action is zero, “willing” will move you into action. What are you willing to do?

• Loser to Winner — It is FAR too easy to start believing you’re a loser because you were let go or something came to an end without your permission. I had a conversation yesterday with a man who was let go from his last two jobs. He had a sad sack story and was sliding into the pit of despair.

I asked him if it was his fault that those two jobs disappeared. The answer was equivocally no. There was no performance-based reason. These were cutbacks due to the policies of the last four years and then COVID. Surprisingly, saying it out loud that his losses were not his direct fault freed him from his “sad” story, and he was very energized as he told me his thoughts about the changes in his industry that led to the cuts.

He left the conversation with some clarity about where he could find new opportunities just by changing his MIND!

Helplessness is a result of not having practice. Who practices being unemployed? Nobody. There is no preparation training or even discussion about it. It likens to a tabu disease that evokes shame as if it were your recklessness that brought it on.

If you get no practice for being in between jobs (we hope you don’t have practice!), then how should you know how to cope? You don’t. Therefore, what’s required is more discipline and structure than you had when you were in a job. You have to create that for yourself.

Help yourself because it makes you MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE as a candidate for employment. Would you hire the sad, helpless person, or the one who exudes well-being and clarity about their value?

Hmmmm. Come on, hop to it! You’re not helpless. Use your resourcefulness the way you would if this were a fun creative project you had to figure out. Pretend, if you have to. A new opportunity awaits.