Now What? Newsletter Articles

Are You Sorry? Really?

By Laura Berman Fortgang on May 15, 2022

Here’s a question for you: How many times a day do you find yourself saying, “I’m sorry.” If you took the time to count, I’d wager that many of you are saying those two words more often than you think.

Here’s my take on this – STOP IT!

I’m not saying you should abdicate responsibility when you do something wrong. What I am saying is that if you find yourself apologizing all day, every day, it’s time to evaluate why you do this and put a stop to it.

In my 27 years of coaching, I’ve noticed that this phenomenon is far more common with women. Why do women apologize for things when they didn’t do anything wrong? In many cases it’s because they are highly empathetic. Women often anticipate how others may feel or react and try to preemptively mitigate any damage with an “I’m sorry.”

The reality of life is that not every conversation with friends, family, or co-workers is going to be easy. You will need to have tough conversations to create and live the life you want. It’s so much easier to have these tough conversations when you release the burden of anticipating how others will react to what you are saying. Everyone is responsible for his/her own reactions and emotions. You’re not responsible for how the other person is going to react to the message that you are delivering!

I had an assistant for many years who had a habit of starting off statements with an apology. When she needed my assistance, she would say things like, “I’m sorry. Can I have five minutes of your time?” However, as our relationship progressed, I refused to let her apologize. I worked with her on skipping over the “I’m sorry to interrupt you,” or “I’m sorry, I hate to bother you,” and cut to the chase. There’s nothing wrong with simply saying “I have an issue that needs your attention. Please let me know when you have five minutes today to discuss this.”

Here is a quick and actionable tip you can use if you find yourself struggling with this. Turn that apology into a thank you. Instead of “I’m so sorry, I can’t make that work,” say “Thank you for thinking of me. I’m not going to be able to make that work.” Starting with a “thank you” allows the conversation to stay on equal footing. When you are constantly apologizing, it can make you appear less confident and competent.

Even if you’re late to a meeting, where it is appropriate to apologize for keeping someone waiting, you can say, “Thank you for waiting. I didn’t mean to be rude by being late. I was caught in traffic.”

So the next time “I’m sorry” is at the tip of your tongue, pause to evaluate whether an apology is needed. If not, change it into a thank you, and then go about your day knowing that you’re communicating with confidence.

What situations make you want to apologize?
Please comment and let me know.

WAKE UP! Feel Your Way to A New Career

By Laura Berman Fortgang on May 5, 2022

Stop thinking!

Rationalizing, logically ruminating, and plotting are not the most successful ways to figure out what’s next for you in your career and work life. They are good skills and have worked before. However, once you’ve landed on my site or email list, you’re frustrated and looking for new answers.

I’ve got them.

Wake up to how you’re feeling to move the needle on your career exploration!

How you’re feeling is a much better indicator of career satisfaction than thinking.,
do you feel about doing your current job?
How do you FEEL about the things you’d do if you could wave the “magic coaching wand?”
Two different feelings, likely. Am I right?

I know. I know.

I don’t know how to make it happen.
No one will hire me.
I can’t make any money at it.
I’ve invested so much in what I’m doing now.

Did I miss one?

OK. Look. Let’s get real. Yes, there are many obstacles to doing “the thing” that feels right. Biggest one is your thinking (and logic and all that mentioned at the top of this article!) So, what do you do?

Gather the data. What feels right contains data. It’s in your DNA (in my humble opinion); however, we live in a world that doesn’t honor that as it should, but you have to. Harvest this information.

Observe how you can transfer some or all of what feels right into your current situation or a new one that is immediately more attainable.

For example, let’s say that your “magic wand” move would be to be a writer. Finding your way to writing full time and getting paid for it may seem far off, but that should not be a sign to abandon it.

How do you get writing into your life now? Can you do it as a hobby? Can you do more writing at your job? Is there a job change you can make internally that can include more creativity?

Often, the thing we most want to do can be done in some other “form” (novelist vs. adding creativity to your current job) that brings about more satisfaction and fulfillment.

It’s not necessarily a substitute, but rather tapping what you truly want out of being a writer in the first place (to be creative).

This is just one example. Yours is as unique as you are.

What I hope is that you can see that you’ll not logically find your way to a next, satisfying career move. Your body – your feeling – is your best indicator of what’s next.

Wake up. Listen deeply.

Tap us/me if you need an assist.

Is Normal What You Really Want?

By Laura Berman Fortgang on June 3, 2021

In New Jersey, COVID restrictions are being lifted and a quick return to ‘normal’ is unfolding.

I spent every day of the Memorial Day weekend meeting with different friends and family we haven’t been able to see in over a year. It was fantastic to be with people and enjoy their company and catch up. It was also a HUGE source of anxiety.

I may be in the minority, but I don’t want the pace of COVID life to end!

No commitments on the weekends, plenty of time to work out, very little time spent in traffic or even in my car, together-time with my children and husband and time to cook, crochet, do jigsaw puzzles and redecorate my office.

I am very aware that I am one of the fortunate people. We did not lose a loved one to COVID and we did not fall into financial ruin. For that, I’m utterly grateful. I’m also compassionately aware that those with small kids at home or who were fully isolated during COVID had a whole other experience than I did.

My gratitude extends to being able to retool my business in such a way that I don’t have to rely on pre-Covid revenue streams if I don’t want to. That freedom and the personal flexibility I described above are the hard-won pivot that I want to keep as life accelerates around me once again.

How about you? Do you want your old life back?

What do you want back?

and to keep from COVID life?

What COVID gave me was time to discern what mattered. It showed me what is clutter and what’s necessary. In business, it illuminated which activities were worthwhile and mine to master versus those that kept me in limbo as I waited for others to choose me so I could do what I love.

In my house, I could see what was no longer serving me and had become junk (bye, bye). It also showed me which friendships were deep and which were convenient. It gave me time to lose 32 pounds with focused effort and drop the ‘big lie’ in my own life that held me back, just to name a few changes.

What COVID gave a spotlight to in my role as an observer of patterns among clients was the many ways in which we use activity to distract us from things that truly make a difference to our health, well-being, and productivity.

For example, being ‘busy’ is a great way to avoid acting on changing jobs because you’ve stopped growing. Drama at work or in the family keeps you from working on discovering and processing the triggers that make you want to create (or participate) in the drama in the first place!

What time and space allow for is awareness, mindfulness, and purpose. Doing things purposefully. Doing things on purpose vs. reacting to hair triggers.

Modern life makes it hard to be that mindful. We reward stress. We reward heroic overworking. BUT YOU CAN reverse the Pavolvian response we have to those expectations.

Stop. Now. While you can still swim, before the current washes you into the barely navigable rapids, take stock. What do you want to keep from COVID life? Make some new rules. (i.e., only one day/ night of the weekend is scheduled, the other is for spontaneity or nothing) Put some stakes in the ground, even with yourself about exercise, or quiet time, or reading or whatever it is for you.

Make good use of your time. It’s all you’ve got.

INTEGRITY – Does Your Work Have It?

By Laura Berman Fortgang on May 12, 2021

Let me catch you before you head in the wrong direction.

This is not a post lecturing you on honesty and character in the workplace.
No.
Not at all.

The direction I want to point you in is understanding integrity in the context of wholeness.

If a structure had no foundational integrity, it would fail. If your life has no foundational integrity, it will be very, very messy, and likely, dramatic. If your work has no integrity, it’s not aligned with who you are.

The past year of Pandemic Living has revealed many fissures in the infrastructure our lives and shined a spotlight on work/careers whether you got to keep your job or not. It either gave you time to think or time to be in very close quarters with issues you were either ignoring or didn’t know were there.

If you are sitting with a set of discoveries, none too comforting, then you may feel out of sorts.

How do you get back into integrity?

Getting to wholeness requires telling the truth. It’s not easy to take a good, hard look at yourself and what has brought you to this point, but there is no escaping it. The truth will be your ticket to the other side whatever challenge you are facing now.

The steps are simple but require inner work to battle back the logic that tells you it’s not possible to make a change:

Face the truth of what’s keeping you from integrity
Name what’s missing
Keep experimenting with what you have (resume/background), and want like playing with a Rubik’s Cube (OK maybe something not that difficult) so that
you hit that moment when it clicks, the colors line up and the cube (and you) are WHOLE and in full INTEGRITY.

Three recent clients in my private practice have brought this integrity dilemma to our work as we contracted for me to help them gain clarity on their next career iteration. All three in hefty careers, all three knowing their industries no longer fit them. Who they are (what they want, value, need) was no longer aligned with what their industries contributed to the world, and they didn’t know what else they could do or be successfully employed at.

From the polluting side of energy to the sustainability side, from legal doldrums to an exciting and creative use of that skill set in the arts world and the seemingly happy kids’ clothes world to something (yet named, new client) that does not create as much waste and horrible working conditions for factory workers.

These are the kind of journeys back to integrity and wholeness I and the facilitators at Now What? Coaching takes people on from all walks of life.

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When Mom Comes Out of Quarantine

By Laura Berman Fortgang on April 21, 2021

Oh My God! COVID-19 is no joke, folks.

COVID-19 moved through four of my five family members, including me, in the last month at a rapid pace. From my oldest son, to my husband, to my youngest son and then to me after I played short order cook and butler to my crew of three quarantined men. I got hit with the most severe symptoms including fever, chills and a migraine headache that wouldn’t quit. It was bad. I don’t wish it on anyone.

In the fog of being sick, I had zero s#&@s to give. I had feverish delusions of living in the future only to have to back up to live in the present (symbolic lesson? Hmmm). I had no ability or motivation to keep up with work. I knew I had a new person coming in to help my almost 85-year-old mom, and I could surrender to her starting without my guidance or input. My husband was doing an amazing job keeping everyone in the house fed (all were out of quarantine but me by this time).

And then, I turned the corner. I started feeling better. I was not “back,” but with three symptom-free days and quarantine officially over, I emerged from my sick room.

Oh MY GOD.

Life stood still. Nothing had moved. The packages that were supposed to go out were still in the same spot. Coats were left where they were two weeks ago. My plants were dead. The kitchen floor was littered with two weeks’ worth of crumbs. The kitchen tablecloth was stained, and my tulips from Passover/Easter week were naked stems in a pot. It was surreal. I felt like I was walking through two weeks in slow motion.

I had felt very well taken care of during quarantine – receiving food, drink and symptom-checks in the comfort of my bed, and I didn’t really care what was going on outside my door. Everything seemed in order. Little did I know that chaos was the true state of things. Nobody cared, and I only cared when I had to see it. Is it chaos if it doesn’t adversely affect anyone?

It does not gratify me in the least to see that my presence makes a difference to the flow and efficiency of my home. It’s long been a pain point for me that my family is not naturally fastidious when it comes to keeping a neat and orderly home. It’s a battle I’ve fought. It eventually became a battle I was just not willing to take on over and over again.

These two COVID-19 weeks showed me where my business needs reinforcement in case I ever drop out like this again, and on the home front, I was once again shown that I have a higher need for order than the rest of my family. What’s changed is that re-entering the world after two weeks made me see it’s not personal. It is SO not personal. I see that more clearly now, and it will help me be less reactive in the future. I’ve always taken it personally. COVID-19, and its no S#*@s to give, was a great teacher. (I’m not looking forward to vaccine #2. I’d like no more teaching!)

How Do You KNOW You’re Making the Right Choice?

By Laura Berman Fortgang on March 22, 2021

When you’ve been in job search and finally have an offer, or you’re faced with deciding to spend money on a training that could help you in your business, or you’re at a crossroads and aren’t sure which way to go . . . these are just some of the scenarios my clients face when they have to make a big decision. Everyone wants certainty. They want to know their choice will be the right one. They want a guarantee!

How Do You KNOW You're Making the Right Choice? Life comes with no guarantees. I don’t have to tell you that. Sometimes, we do have those unshakeable, big YES’s that resonate through our mind and body, but most of the time, anxiety and uncertainty make it hard to decide. How can you make a decision you can feel really good about? One where you knew you could step out into the abyss and trust you won’t fall.

Check out this acronym for CHOICE.

Criteria – What’s Your Criteria for This Decision?
I often ask folks who come to me for career clarity support what their criteria is for happiness in a job. Most can’t answer. We may not have thought of it that way. So, I’ll ask now.

What is your criteria for happiness in a career or job? What is your criteria for investing in your professional or personal growth? What is your personal criteria for making any decision?

I suggest an easy measure. Is your decision based in fear or love of self? Sure, hard times sometimes means taking a job you’re not thrilled with to have the income, but let’s look at this in the context of ideal conditions. Are you making this choice out of fear:

Fear that it’s your last chance at something?,that you’re going to make a mistake so you do nothing? and that you’re missing out on something? Making a decision out of fear (unless that fear is a good motivator – like I’m afraid I’ll run out of money so I’ll get a solid foundation again – needs to be recognized and evaluated.

Have Faith – Have Faith in Yourself
How often have you let yourself down? Do you have a good track record of making decisions that serve you well? If so, use that to boost your confidence in the current decision.

If not, think about what you’ve learned from your mistakes. Were you rushed or pressured in making previous decisions? Did you listen to others instead of honoring what you wanted? and get burned through no fault of your own? Keep these things under consideration and build your ability to trust yourself.

OBSERVE – Observe Your Monkey Mind
The Buddhists call your noisy inner critic the Monkey Mind. Does your Monkey Mind chatter too much and too loudly?

Do you find yourself focusing on what you “should” do or not do? The word “should” is a giveaway that you are not thinking about what you want but rather what you think is expected or “better.”

Also watch for guilt in your decision making. I propose that there are two kinds of guilt. Good guilt and bad guilt. Good guilt is trying to warn you that you might be forming a regret. Like not seeing a friend who is sick when you’re close by. Bad guilt is all the anxiety about whether you were grateful enough for an interview, or if you did the right thing as far as presentation is concerned. It’s back to those “shoulds.”

INTUITION – Intuition Needs to be Included
When you lean too heavily on your logical left brain, you exclude your creativity, dreaming mechanism and the possibilitarian* in you is silenced. Trust your gut when making decisions. Read the next step to understand how to know what intuition is and what it feels like.

CLARITY – Get Clear on What You’re Feeling
Discernment is key here. Can you feel the difference between fear and intuition in your body? Interviewing people over the years, my observation is that fear is jarring and unsettling, while intuition is calmer. Intuition can be persistent, but the overall feeling is gentle.

Back in the day, my acting teacher, Kate McGregor Stewart, used to say: “Fear is just excitement without the oxygen.” Feeling the difference between fear and excitement is important too. Yes, you can be experiencing both at the same time, but for the best decision making, it’s helpful to know/feel the difference.

EVALUATE – Evaluate the Support Your Supporters Give You
It’s normal to want to bounce your ideas and decisions off of trusted folks in your life. However, it is important to keep in mind that often, our nearest and dearest aren’t always the best supporters because they project their own fears on to you.

They might say you are crazy for leaving your industry, or that your idea doesn’t have merit. You MUST consider the source of these comments. People come from their own fears and limits and will project them on to you causing you to doubt yourself.

I’ve observed that when people tell you “you’re crazy,” you’re probably on the right track. You’ve made the other person question their courage, or maybe their status quo and comfort zone depend on what you do. That would cause them to voice their doubt.

Decisions are hard. Having more knowledge about yourself and how you make them, helps them become easier, more fluid, and produce the best outcomes.

Ultimately, there are no wrong decisions. Everything is AFGO.

*Norman Vincent Peale:
Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see the possibilities — always see them, for they’re always there.