new direction

How to Deal with Difficult People

By Laura Berman Fortgang on September 10, 2023

Let’s face it; people can be difficult.

Even if you consider yourself a people person, dealing with various needs, personalities, priorities, and quirks can be challenging.

There’s always going to be conflict.

Whether it’s a tough client, boss, or coworker, your overall success and happiness ultimately depend on how well you’re able to navigate that relationship.

The good news – it’s not as hard as you might think — as long as you keep these three tips in mind:

Tip #1: In any given situation, you have two realities:

1. The facts and 2. The interpretation of the facts.
We are not always going to agree on the interpretation. Here is an example:

Person A: This stinks! I was planning to go to an arts festival; my day is ruined!

Person B: How wonderful! My lawn needed this, and now I can curl up with a good book.

We all view facts differently. When you’re dealing with a difficult person or situation, you have to remember — there’s what happened, and there’s what each person thinks about what happened. Once you’ve considered this, it’s easier to resolve any friction.

Tip #2: Follow Stephen Covey’s advice to begin with the end in mind. (That’s habit #2 in his blockbuster book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.)

People don’t like drama because they’re afraid they’ll get stuck in whatever nastiness ensues.

When you find yourself in conflict, focus on what you want to get out of it. What’s your goal? What do you want to resolve? Keep your eye on the prize, and stay focused on moving forward.

Tip#3: Avoid the word “you” unless it’s used in a positive light.

Saying “you” in the heat of conflict triggers an inflammatory response. People feel blamed and berated, and they don’t like it one bit.

Instead, frame the conversation with the word “I.” I hear you, understand, see we have a difference of opinion, and I want you to know I want to resolve this to your satisfaction.

This keeps the other person off the defensive and out of “fight or flight” mode. It allows for a reasonable conversation and coming to a resolution.

These three tips will make a big difference, and the more you use them, the more you’re able to build rapport and trust, even with the most difficult people. The next time a conflict arises, you can build on the successful outcome you created the last time. Before you know it, that person no longer ruffles your feathers because you know how to deal with them.

Remember: The customer isn’t always right. Your boss isn’t always right. And that overbearing coworker isn’t always right.

You don’t have to let difficult people walk all over you. It’s okay to disappoint people, agree to disagree, and move on. You’ll have more respect for yourself, garner more respect, and win in the end.

The Significance of the WIN

By Laura Berman Fortgang on August 27, 2023

When you’re looking to reinvent your career or start a business, resilience is crucial.

Because sooner or later, the going will get tough. You’ll need to not only stay motivated but also recover quickly and bounce back whenever you encounter difficulties.

One of the best ways to do this is to focus on your wins.

When facing challenge after challenge, it can feel like losing is imminent. Directing your attention toward your triumphs is like a continuous reminder that you’re actually someone who wins — and keeps winning — every day.

So whenever I work with a client, we start our session with a win.

Sometimes it’s something big — secured a dream job interview, landed a new client, booked a speaking gig, nailed a program launch.

But sometimes it’s something seemingly small — updating your resume, sending a newsletter, booking a discovery call, attending a networking event.

But a win is a win!

Even if you have to dig for it and rack your brain, always keep in mind that you’re a winner at something this month, this week, this morning… here’s why —

A win is something you WANT.
It’s INTEGRAL to your well-being.
And it NEGATES problems.

W.I.N.

If you have a challenging goal to tackle, wins can be the boost you need to get you there. Celebrating your victories leads to more favorable results.

A win changes your physiology. Focusing on your wins makes you shift from a stress-oriented mindset to one of possibility, wonder, and what’s next.

Your creativity amplifies, your problem-solving improves, and your confidence flourishes. You’re ready to take on the next step knowing there will be a positive outcome — if not exactly what you’re aiming for, something better than where you are. A win is imminent!

I’ll admit, this is easier said than done.

In fact, it’s been a personal challenge for me over the years. I thought my problems made me interesting, and I used them as comic fodder, part of my personality. But the self-deprecating humor wasn’t serving me.

It wasn’t until I learned to focus on what was right in my life that things began to shift. By focusing on what was right, I started doing more of what was right, and my wins beget more wins.

Success breeds success.

4 Ways to Strengthen Your Personal Foundation

By Laura Berman Fortgang on July 30, 2023

After last week’s post, my inbox was flooded with questions. Which is always a nice surprise, honestly. It seems I struck a chord.

Many of you wanted to know more about what it takes to stand strong when something comes along and tries to knock you off your game.

I’m glad you’re curious!

All too often, smart, capable, driven people are letting disappointments and setbacks muck up their day, throw them for a loop, and ruin their plans.

If this is you, I know you’re sick of the disruption.

The client you hoped to land ghosts you.
The recruiter for that dream job sends a rejection letter.
The folks who bought your coaching program’s credit cards are declining.
Your new VP left you off a “big deal” meeting invite.

And you’re SO sick of letting it all shake you up. But you don’t know what to do about it.

You know your personal foundation needs some work, but you don’t know how to go about building a solid one.

I get it; you either have it or you don’t. The good news is, once it’s built, it will stand the test of time. Even when it crumbles a little, you’ll know how to piece it back together and pack it down tight.

Here’s what it’ll take.

1. Stop taking things personally. That might sound easier said than done, but it can be done. Because — A.) Whatever it is, it’s not about you. And B.) You’re not damaged or broken. You’re learning.
2. Spend time with yourself. Ideally, learn how to meditate. At the very least, take three to five minutes every day to clear your mind, pause the ruminating, and think about nothing. Don’t make it hard. Start with searching for a guided meditation on YouTube. Tuning into yourself is a great reminder that your foundation is stronger than you might think; you’ve already overcome so much.
3. Know your triggers. We all have them! We’ve had childhood trauma or negative experiences as an adult, and reminders can pull us into an emotional loop. By identifying those triggers, possibly by working with a therapist, you’ll be able to catch them sooner and avoid the spiral.
4. Become friends with fear. Why? Because it’s never going away, so you may as well embrace it. You can let it take you over like The Blob in the 1950s horror film or brush it aside like a mosquito bite. Fear is simply trying to protect you from something; learn to listen to its underlying message and use it for good.

There you have it. Incorporate these four tips into your life and your personal foundation will be stronger than ever. It’ll take work, but it’s so worth it!

How to reach your goals without pushing harder

By Laura Berman Fortgang on June 25, 2023

Do you ever feel like reaching your goals is a nearly impossible feat?

Like you’re never going to get there, or you’re going to run yourself into the ground trying?

I think we’ve all felt this way at some point, but it can be especially frustrating when you just can’t figure out why it’s so dang hard.

You want the thing — the promotion, the new career, a successful business…

And you’re going after the thing — working your tail off to make it happen…

But progress is slow, and you honestly feel like giving up.

Here’s what’s probably happening —

If I had to guess, I’d say you’re PUSHING too hard.

You’re in your head, plotting and scheming, and your ego is shouting at you to go, go, go…harder! Or that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t!

But in my experience, I’ve come to understand that pushing harder is the more difficult way to achieve what you want.

What would it look like if you were PULLED toward your goals instead?

I’ve seen it time and time again. When people work toward something bigger than themselves, and they’re compelled to fulfill a vision, it feels easier.

This doesn’t mean you won’t have obstacles or that things won’t get rough at times.

It means you’re EXCITED to be challenged.
You have a big WHY that helps you get out of bed in the morning.
It keeps propelling you forward when the going gets tough.

I worked with someone recently who was at a PUSH to the finish line. He was trying to grind it out to retirement and finish strong. And it was like trying to push a boulder up a hill.

Then he got laid off. Yikes. This can be a scary thing at the tail end of a career.

However, it turns out this was the best thing that could’ve happened!

Losing that job opened up space to go after something completely different and set new goals.

He saw an opportunity to disrupt an industry, went for it — and, wow! Things are going better than ever. He loves what he does so much now, and he’s so engaged in the work, that retirement isn’t even part of the conversation anymore.

He’ll be able to slow down when he’s ready, but the PULL has reinvigorated his zest for life and legacy and the impact he wants to make.

But you don’t have to lose your job or find yourself in a bind before making the shift.

If you’re trying to push for a result right now and it feels hard — stop.

Think about elevating your goal.

What’s your larger vision?
How can you make it bigger than you?
What difference do you want to make?

Go deeper to figure out what will compel you to show up with enthusiasm.

What vision will PULL you into the future?

Is It Good Guilt vs. Bad Guilt?

By Laura Berman Fortgang on May 28, 2023

If you’re anything like most people, you’re no stranger to feeling guilty.

For some folks, guilt is a frequent companion. They feel bad about seemingly anything and everything — whether they have a good reason to or not.

But for most of us, guilt simply creeps in more often than we’d like.

Quitting a job.
Setting boundaries in a friendship.
Refusing a request.

It doesn’t take much to feel at least a little uncomfortable, sheepish, or ashamed about a choice we’re making, especially when we feel like we’re letting someone down.

But here’s something we often miss —

There’s GOOD guilt and there’s BAD guilt … and the difference matters.

Good guilt is the kind of guilt that’s telling you you might regret a decision. Maybe you’re not prioritizing the things that mean a lot to you. It’s a nudge to keep you honest and spur positive action.

Bad guilt, on the other hand, is a nag. You’re putting yourself down: I’m not a good friend, I suck at my job, I shoulda done this, I’m bad at that — nothing but a bunch of mishegoss! It’s senseless, not doing you or anyone else any good, and just trying to keep you living by someone else’s set of rules.

I was working with a client recently and this issue came up.

This person is perfectly set up to step out of her job into a business that’s primed for success.

But she feels guilty for leaving the job because other key players have jumped ship. She doesn’t want to leave her team behind, holding the bag, or leave the company in a lurch.

Would leaving make her a bad person? Of course not!

Bad guilt is raging here and yet, there could be an opportunity at hand. Perhaps she can work something out that’s win-win. For example, she could continue to work as a part-time contractor while she gets her bearings in her new business. But ultimately, it’s not her responsibility, and she doesn’t need to sell her dream short just to avoid that guilty feeling.

Here’s the thing —

You are NOT responsible for somebody else’s reaction to something that you want to do.

Obviously, I’m not giving you the okay to do someone harm, but I am telling you to get clear about what’s happening and why you’re letting someone else’s issues interfere with your next move.

You may have to face circumstances or deal with the fallout of your decisions or actions, but don’t let bad guilt stop you from moving forward.

Is an Identity Crisis Holding You Back in Your Business?

By Laura Berman Fortgang on April 30, 2023

In my coaching practice, I run into a lot of entrepreneurial spirits.

As people are talking through what they want to do with their life and career, the conversation often takes a familiar turn, and I know what’s coming —
“What I really want is to do my own thing!”

It’s an exciting revelation. Charting your own course and becoming your own boss is the ultimate freedom, and who doesn’t want that?

Well, as it turns out, lots of folks…

Most people like the idea of starting a business, but when it comes down to it, there’s a lot that holds them back.

In particular, they often run up against a doozy that stops them in their tracks … and it might not be what you think.

Sure, the money, resources, and logistics can be a challenge, but an even bigger hurdle tends to be something even closer to home.

If you’re considering venturing into business for yourself, your #1 obstacle is likely to be YOU.

Are YOU, in reality, someone who can own your own business? Is “business owner” an identity you’re ready to take on?

I was talking to a client recently who was kind of a big deal at her job. She’d carved out a successful career and was confident that she had what it takes to go out on her own — until she wasn’t.

As she began to take action, she started to freak out. “What if I don’t know what I’m doing?”

She started having an identity crisis. “What if I’m not cut out for this?”

So I had to get real with her. “The truth is, you don’t know what you’re doing — yet. But you’re learning. You’re planning. And you’re gathering the resources and support you need to set yourself up for success.”

Rather than let an identity crisis knock you off track, it’s best to embrace change as you grow.

Because in business, you’re going to keep growing, evolving, learning and taking on new identities along the way:
– One-on-one service provider to company boss with a team
– Startup founder to established entrepreneur
– Six-figure consultant to seven- or eight- figure mover and shaker
– Best kept secret to PR darling

There are so many different ways your identity will be challenged and shaped through the experience of business ownership. You have to be willing to embrace change and growth.

This might sound easier said than done, but it’s entirely possible. I see it all the time.

The best way I’ve found to adapt smoothly is to look closely at the reality of where you are now and where you want to go.

Think of it as a Venn diagram —
Circle A) What’s true now?
Circle B) What do I need to succeed?
Overlapping area: What do these two answers have in common?

That’s where the sweet spot is — the new identity you’re able to take on at any given time.

It’s from that sweet spot that you’ll be ready to take on anything!