Now What?® Coaching

from Laura Berman Fortgang

Laura Berman Fortgang

Are you good enough?

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If I had a dollar for every time someone told me they didn’t feel good enough, I’d be on the Forbes list right behind Bezos.

Okay, I’m exaggerating … but it sure seems like it sometimes.

I dream of being a writer, but I’m not good enough.
I want to go after a big promotion, but I’m scared that I’m not good enough.
I’d like to start a business, but I’m not good enough.

They don’t always use those exact words, but the implication is always there.

Let’s talk about something more practical because only the best writers earn a living from it.
I would’ve gotten promoted by now if I had what it takes. I’m ready to jump ship and try something else.
Most businesses fail, so I don’t want to quit my day job, but having a coaching practice on the side would be nice.

Do you hear it? “I’m not good enough” is barely under the surface, but it’s there.
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Maybe you can relate, so I’m here to tell you: YOU’RE ALREADY GOOD ENOUGH.

Don’t get me wrong; sometimes there IS more training or experience to be had, and I’m not suggesting you compromise your standards or settle for mediocrity.

What I mean is, you have to give this some real thought…

Why do you really think you’re not good enough? Whose measuring stick are you using?

Are you good enough?Sometimes parents, family, the community we surround ourselves with, or society at large sends us a message that shapes the way we view ourselves. Sometimes well-meaning, sometimes not. Either way, the “not good enough” doesn’t do us any good.

I’ll give you an example…

Someone in my circle was a disappointment to their parents because they skipped college to sweep floors at a photography studio. Fast forward. Now this person is the owner of one of the largest media companies in the U.S.

If you’re suffering about not being good enough, you made the whole thing up. Sorry to sound harsh, but it’s the truth. The opinions of others aren’t weighing you down nearly as much as the super-high standards you’ve adopted and chosen to place on yourself.

But if I suggest that you lower your standards, yikes — I know, mind blowing. Immediate no, right?

I encourage you to reconsider. Here’s why —

If you’re working your tail off to try to prove something to someone….
If you’re suffering because you’ve realized you’ll never be Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court or at the top of that Fortune list I mentioned earlier…
If you’re wallowing in self-doubt because your new business made $99,999.97 last year…

You’re not doing your best work. You’re operating from a place of defeat and desperation.

Success breeds success.

You don’t lower your standards to accept loss. You lower your standards so you can win, then win again, then win again.

If you’re focusing on the evidence that you’re not good enough, your attention is pointed in the wrong direction.

I didn’t make cheerleading in high school because I wasn’t good enough, like my friends — boo hoo! But it led me to find theater, which I loved! But I wasn’t good enough to make it to Broadway – which hurt! But it led me to what I do today, which I love even more!

I could’ve focused on the evidence that I wasn’t good enough. Instead, I focused elsewhere and found what I was meant to do.

The more you win, the better you’re going to do.

The Trouble with “Work Hard, Play Hard”

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There was a time when I thought business and pleasure didn’t exactly mix.

I was all about getting work done, checking off lists, and doing an excellent job.

Even in my theater days — where fun was had by all — I tended to stay laser-focused on the job at hand.

But over the years, I noticed something interesting: some of the people I admired most knew how to have one heck of a good time while taking care of business.

So I started allowing myself to loosen up and to have more fun … and it changed everything!

These days, lots of folks seem to have a case of the blahs — not quite depression, but they’re feeling uninspired, especially when it comes to work.

Employers are grappling with low employee engagement and can’t get workers to step it up.

Needless to say, we’ve all been through a lot over the past few years and continue to deal with ongoing uncertainty. Burnout is more than a buzzword; it’s a reality I hear more and more about every day.

So what to do? For one thing, we must start making fun a priority. I’m not saying it’s a cure-all, but it’s certainly a potent treatment.

That hit of dopamine it provides can have a powerful impact.

It drives focus, boosts motivation, improves executive functioning, peps up productivity, and enhances satisfaction — just what the doctor ordered for business and success with less stress!

We’re all familiar with the phrase “work hard, play hard,” but we’re less familiar with the idea that play primes us to do better work.

I used to think you should wait until your work is completed to play, like eating your dinner before having dessert. But it turns out that giving yourself a dose of dopamine first is the way to go!

Here’s how I like to think about fun; it helps you…
​Forget
​Unnecessary
​Nonsense

Go ahead and feed your soul, remember your zest for life, and then do what you’ve gotta do.

Last week, I was chatting with alums of our Now What? Experience, and we talked all about how much fun matters.

One woman had been in a bit of a rut, so she decided to revisit the athletic days of her youth. Get this — she joined a basketball league specifically for women over 50, and it was far more than a good workout. She had a BLAST, and as a result, started showing up differently in her business.

I had my own version of this last year, revisiting my theater days. I did the musical Bright Star for community theater. The JOY this experience brought me was incredible, and everyone noticed how much it bled into my work. (I was nominated for a best actress award in the local theater circuit, which cracked me up because I did the show for FUN, not for recognition or accomplishment—is there a lesson there?)

What would bring YOU joy?

Spending more time on the golf course?
Playing the piano?
Getting into the woodshop again?
Creating art?
Having more sex?

If you’re in a bit of a rut and want your motivation and productivity to pick up, I encourage you to have more FUN!

When I work with people on career clarity, one of the first steps we take is to ensure life isn’t so stressful and horrible that it clouds your thinking. Fun, fun, fun!

To dopamine!

Why did I get “L❤️VE” tattooed on my arm?

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If you missed last week’s note, I talked about the lessons I learned hanging out in a tattoo parlor over the holidays, and it sparked some curiosity —

• Why a tattoo?, and L❤️VE?

I touched on it briefly, but it probably deserves further explanation.

What makes a woman approaching a certain milestone birthday suddenly get a tattoo?
Why choose L❤️VE?
And how does this relate to what we’re here to learn — about careers and business?
Well, I’ll tell you…

I’ve been a longtime student of A Course in Miracles — “a universal, metaphysical, self-study program of spiritual psychology.”

If you’ve never heard of it, I encourage you to go check it out. It’s a massive text, fascinating, and full of lessons for life.

One of my biggest takeaways from studying A Course in Miracles is this:

Every thought we have is either based in FEAR or it’s based in LOVE.

I chose to get LOVE tattooed on my wrist as a reminder to choose love.

Because fear is loud and intrusive and it will always take over … if you let it … if you forget that you always have the option to choose love.

This has been a constant challenge for me throughout my life, but even more so, over the past two years as a caregiver. It takes a lot to remember—in every moment—to be patient, present and choose love.

My tattoo is the beautiful reminder I needed.

Connecting more intentionally with love has also impacted my coaching and my business relationships. Every day, my clients and associates are either coming from fear, or they’re coming from love.

Here’s what I mean…

I had a long time client who wanted to move from the corporate world into nonprofits. But she was afraid to give up her corporate salary.

After working together through the fear and avoiding rash decisions, we were able to identify a perfect solution—joining the philanthropic arm of the corporation, which positioned her for a smooth transition into leadership in the nonprofit world later.

She chose love over fear and won.

Fear often blocks money too. If you’re afraid to ask for the money you want, you won’t get it. If you’re afraid of hearing no, you’ll underbid.

If you charge too little or accept a lower salary, you’ll quickly resent your clients or boss and take on headaches you could have avoided.

To find more peace, happiness, and success in life, you must remember to choose LOVE — including self-LOVE — in everything you do.

Choosing love over fear will always win in the end.

Lessons From The Tattoo Parlor

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I hope you had a wonderful holiday season and your year is off to a fantastic start!

We have some exciting announcements coming up, but first I want to share some wisdom I picked up over the break while hanging out at my local tattoo parlor…

As you may have noticed, I have a nose ring. At first, I wasn’t sure how it would come across in a professional setting, so I chose a subtle wink to my unconventional side—just a tiny dot of jewelry.

But while we were all home during 2020, I decided to get a full ring—and go bold! It was fun while it lasted; however, over the holidays I was ready for another change. I went back to the tiny dot and…I got a tattoo.

While at the parlor to change out the ring, I noticed that one of the guys getting inked glanced my way and let out a chuckle. I asked him to let me in on the joke, and he confessed that he didn’t think I looked like someone who would have a tattoo.

Well, joke’s on him. I am someone with a tattoo now, and I reminded him that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. After all, this guy was covered in art. When I pushed back, he conceded that he doesn’t appreciate judgment from strangers based on his looks either. And we shared a good laugh.

lessons from the tattoo parlor

My next appointment was about the tattoo I wanted that had some serious meaning behind it.

As a student of A Course in Miracles, I came to understand that we essentially only have two thoughts: love or fear. So I wanted a permanent reminder to choose love in every decision, conversation, and action.

Because the truth is, I’m not naturally wired that way. With a milestone birthday coming up, I no longer want fear to get in my way. The message is deeply meaningful for me.

Unfortunately, the tattoo artist wasn’t taking me seriously.

I noticed he was being rude and dismissive of me and my vision for the tattoo. Frankly, he was treating me like a pain in the ass. And when I called him out on it, he doubled down by mocking me.

So I asked him…

“Should we not do this? This is something I wanted to have fun with, but if the vibe’s not right, we don’t have to work together.”

From my perspective, the guy had an attitude problem.

Well, from his perspective, he thought I was the one with an attitude problem. “You came in hot,” he said.

Clearly, our energy was off. So I asked for a “do over” and we both decided to press the reset button

When he started again, he was gentle, educational, and we ended up having a great time together. It was an interesting experience.

In the end, I walked away with some key takeaways from these two tattoo parlor exchanges:

  1. Don’t judge a book by its cover; watch your assumptions!
  2. Read the energy in the room. What are you picking up from a person? What are you giving off?
  3. Be willing to walk away. If the energy isn’t right, it’s not going to be a good client experience. What are you willing to give up? How are you willing to shift?
  4. Don’t let your feelings fester. If the energy is off, call it out as it’s happening.
  5. Avoid projecting. For example, say, “I’m feeling judged,” not “you’re judging me.” People are more open to feedback when you’re not pointing fingers.

Remember, there’s something to learn in every experience if you pay attention. I hope you will put these lessons to good use in your business this year.

Holy Wow. Another Year. Can This One Really Be Different?

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What am I going to say? Of course, I’m going to say YES. Yes, it can.

There will always be circumstances beyond our control, and we will simultaneously have free will. Let’s put it to work.

I’m sitting down to write this after a local business morning networking group on the very first business day of the year. I had joined a couple of months back and was “giving it a chance.”

Holy Wow. Another Year. Can This One Really Be Different? by Laura Berman FortgangAfter more than two years of COVID isolation, I wanted to see people again and play closer to home. However, this morning it was very clear that I was not investing my time and energy in something that is worth “giving a chance” to, despite my best efforts.

I had all the evidence I needed: small-minded, scarcity mindset from a member fearing competition, broken agreements with me by another member, and finally, shoddy work on display from another. All in the scope of two and a half weeks.

There was a time where I may have waited things out for several months, or where I would be starting to miss meetings instead of telling the truth about what was not in alignment for me.

If you can relate and you’re wondering if you should stay with a group, a company, or even a relationship, take a look at some ways to shift your perspective that might be helpful:

Where do you retreat? Where do you advance? Keep this in mind as you make decisions.​
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You can make this a different year, just by being willing to put up with less nonsense. That’s what I’m doing. Care to join me?

A Message For These Times

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It’s hard to believe another year is coming to a close, but here we are.

As we wrap a bow on 2022 and celebrate the winter holidays, I want to thank you. I’m grateful for the gift of having you in my world this year and so glad you’re here.

A Message For These Times Some didn’t make it to see this season through. If you’re missing loved ones or experiencing grief, my heartfelt condolences to you.

If you are suffering from the weight of other difficulties, my heart goes out to you.

Something you may not know about me is that not only am I a master credentialed coach, but I’m also an ordained interfaith minister. And I want to share a bit with you about ministering…

Don’t worry; this isn’t a religious message…

As a coach, my job is to get you unstuck and seek solutions. I listen for an opening and encourage clients to shift their perspective.

As a minister, on the other hand, my job is to be a witness. I’m there to be fully present and hold space. This training and experience has given me insight into human suffering.

What could we do differently for those who are in pain? *

You don’t have to DO anything, you have to BE. You can’t take the pain away, but you can ease it by BEing present. As we gather with family (or “chosen family”) this holiday season, remember that these aren’t happy times for everyone. Maybe they aren’t happy times for you. Perhaps you’ll be entering toxic spaces with toxic people.

Ministering (as a verb) can turn this around for you…

Here’s a quote that I included in my book, The Little Book on Meaning:

“Our true destiny is not to be ministered unto but to minister to ourselves and to our fellow men.” — Franklin D. Roosevelt

To minister, to witness, to BE, to be present, to love, and to hold a container of wholeness for somebody even if they don’t see themselves as whole…

To bring forth patience and love and understanding, even when we don’t understand…

That we just witness, and we witness someone’s pain, and witness their struggle…

Can make all the difference.

I think it’s safe to say we’ve all been through some tough times recently.

So please accept this prayer, regardless of religion or tradition, to think higher, to think better, and to be aligned with goodness.

Energy of all things (God, spirit, higher self),
Allow me the blessing of a full heart,
That I may have more than enough of myself to share,
to another who needs it.
May I be a blessing to anyone that comes my way.
May I have the patience to care and the strength to lend.
May I see the light of life in all who are put in my path.
Help me to see it, embrace it, and give it.
May I serve as it is called for.
Thank you.
And so it is.
Again, I thank you.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Until next year,
Laura

*(Trigger Warning: Suicide) First, it’s important to note that should a loved one or friend makes the choice to end their life, it’s not your fault. Depression is not rational; it’s a disease that doesn’t allow people to see their value. If you are in the position to take action because someone has made you privy to that level of despair, get help. Have them call 988 or you call for guidance if they won’t.