Now What?® Coaching

from Laura Berman Fortgang

Now What Coaching

Are You Sorry? Really?

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Here’s a question for you: How many times a day do you find yourself saying, “I’m sorry.” If you took the time to count, I’d wager that many of you are saying those two words more often than you think.

Here’s my take on this – STOP IT!

I’m not saying you should abdicate responsibility when you do something wrong. What I am saying is that if you find yourself apologizing all day, every day, it’s time to evaluate why you do this and put a stop to it.

In my 27 years of coaching, I’ve noticed that this phenomenon is far more common with women. Why do women apologize for things when they didn’t do anything wrong? In many cases it’s because they are highly empathetic. Women often anticipate how others may feel or react and try to preemptively mitigate any damage with an “I’m sorry.”

The reality of life is that not every conversation with friends, family, or co-workers is going to be easy. You will need to have tough conversations to create and live the life you want. It’s so much easier to have these tough conversations when you release the burden of anticipating how others will react to what you are saying. Everyone is responsible for his/her own reactions and emotions. You’re not responsible for how the other person is going to react to the message that you are delivering!

I had an assistant for many years who had a habit of starting off statements with an apology. When she needed my assistance, she would say things like, “I’m sorry. Can I have five minutes of your time?” However, as our relationship progressed, I refused to let her apologize. I worked with her on skipping over the “I’m sorry to interrupt you,” or “I’m sorry, I hate to bother you,” and cut to the chase. There’s nothing wrong with simply saying “I have an issue that needs your attention. Please let me know when you have five minutes today to discuss this.”

Here is a quick and actionable tip you can use if you find yourself struggling with this. Turn that apology into a thank you. Instead of “I’m so sorry, I can’t make that work,” say “Thank you for thinking of me. I’m not going to be able to make that work.” Starting with a “thank you” allows the conversation to stay on equal footing. When you are constantly apologizing, it can make you appear less confident and competent.

Even if you’re late to a meeting, where it is appropriate to apologize for keeping someone waiting, you can say, “Thank you for waiting. I didn’t mean to be rude by being late. I was caught in traffic.”

So the next time “I’m sorry” is at the tip of your tongue, pause to evaluate whether an apology is needed. If not, change it into a thank you, and then go about your day knowing that you’re communicating with confidence.

What situations make you want to apologize?
Please comment and let me know.

WAKE UP! Feel Your Way to A New Career

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Stop thinking!

Rationalizing, logically ruminating, and plotting are not the most successful ways to figure out what’s next for you in your career and work life. They are good skills and have worked before. However, once you’ve landed on my site or email list, you’re frustrated and looking for new answers.

I’ve got them.

Wake up to how you’re feeling to move the needle on your career exploration!

How you’re feeling is a much better indicator of career satisfaction than thinking.,
do you feel about doing your current job?
How do you FEEL about the things you’d do if you could wave the “magic coaching wand?”
Two different feelings, likely. Am I right?

I know. I know.

    “Yeah, I’d love to do that thing (that feels better) but:”

  • I don’t know how to make it happen.
  • No one will hire me.
  • I can’t make any money at it.
  • I’ve invested so much in what I’m doing now.

Did I miss one?

OK. Look. Let’s get real. Yes, there are many obstacles to doing “the thing” that feels right. Biggest one is your thinking (and logic and all that mentioned at the top of this article!) So, what do you do?

Gather the data. What feels right contains data. It’s in your DNA (in my humble opinion); however, we live in a world that doesn’t honor that as it should, but you have to. Harvest this information.

Observe how you can transfer some or all of what feels right into your current situation or a new one that is immediately more attainable.

For example, let’s say that your “magic wand” move would be to be a writer. Finding your way to writing full time and getting paid for it may seem far off, but that should not be a sign to abandon it.

How do you get writing into your life now? Can you do it as a hobby? Can you do more writing at your job? Is there a job change you can make internally that can include more creativity?

Often, the thing we most want to do can be done in some other “form” (novelist vs. adding creativity to your current job) that brings about more satisfaction and fulfillment.

It’s not necessarily a substitute, but rather tapping what you truly want out of being a writer in the first place (to be creative).

This is just one example. Yours is as unique as you are.

What I hope is that you can see that you’ll not logically find your way to a next, satisfying career move. Your body – your feeling – is your best indicator of what’s next.

Wake up. Listen deeply.

Tap us/me if you need an assist.

An Argument for Life-Long Employment

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Maybe it’s being critically aware that I’m part of the sandwich generation or maybe it’s my heightened sensitivity brought on by the war in Ukraine, but the pain of those edging towards the end of their usefulness to the workplace is top of mind.

Few of us will be wealthy enough and most of us will be healthy enough to not fully retire at the traditional time.

Even though retirement is a wonderful, hard-earned privilege, there are many people who want to work after they reach retirement age in some way to give structure and meaning to their lives.

Not only are we living longer, saving is harder in our ever-more expensive world, but with that said, it’s also due to how lost people become when they are no longer ‘needed’ or stop contributing in a way that honors what they are capable of.

My father was made redundant eighteen months short of retirement in a company he worked at for 32 years. Dad was lost for the next 25 years. His identity was that job, the money he made, the travel it included and being needed somewhere every day. He dabbled in a couple of things before he gave up completely, but he was gutted.

My mother worked her whole life and was proactive and strategic. She fulfilled a life goal to go to college and graduated with her bachelors at age 54 and a master’s degree a few years later in library sciences, thanks to her company’s tuition reimbursement plan, which set her up for her post-retirement career.

She loved her work at the library until a bout with cancer and the rough medical treatment made it hard to hide a slower pace at work. Once she was done with treatment, her library boss systematically cut her hours until she was rendered useless and let her go. It was crushing and the loss took its toll on her self-esteem and health.

Employers want productivity and getting their money’s worth. I get it. Yet, how can we reinvent society to allow for people of all ages and capacity to participate in work that matters to them? It’s not just about money.

It’s about structure, meaning and identity. It’s so important to mental health and physical wellness. It makes for happier people and families.

We only have to look at Japanese culture to know it is possible. Older workers are paid higher wages and were guaranteed employment for life.

Pairing older and younger workers for skill exchanges have been run as social experiments. Respect for elders is the norm. Children care for parents. Nursing homes are for abandoned people.

The movie, THE INTERN, starring Robert DeNiro and Anne Hathaway, illustrated how younger workers, especially in leadership roles, dismiss older people, unable to imagine them adding value.

The drama unfolds in a way that the dismissed older worker, the intern, later becomes the boss’s wisest advisor.

Mentors, company historians, partners in systems innovation, problem solvers, trainers—- how can we evolve work so that we value experience? It may not be for everyone, but wouldn’t it be nice to know you’d never be irrelevant?

The way I see it, we evolve as a society this way or we start training kids that career planning is lifelong. There’s a first one, a pivot or two, an upward trajectory and then the homestretch of contributing until you can’t.

Retirement? It’ll be available or desirable for less of us. Meaning and contribution are major drivers when health allows for participating in society.

What do you think? Do you dream of a leisurely retirement? Do you think about that chapter as another working iteration?
Please comment and let me know.

The Stages of Grief When Changing Careers (By choice or by force)

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Losing a job or choosing to change gears because you’re miserable in your current role, can bring on grief and mourning like the loss of a loved one. That’s probably not surprising if you’ve been suddenly let go, but it may be news to you if you are choosing to move on.

I’m currently working with someone who saw very quickly in our process that leaving their job and current career was no longer a pipe dream but rather, a “must.”

We determined the criteria for happiness* in a career for them. They determined areas of interesting employment that fit that criteria, and then, when there were a couple of obstacles, grief kicked in. They had stepped out into the abyss of the unknown and it was emotionally intense.

If you are working through the morass of change, walk through Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief with me. Knowing the stages, will help you recover from them more easily. You’re not alone and there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re grieving and fearful or maybe someone you love is.

  • Denial, numbness, and shock: Checking out mentally to not feel pain is a common coping mechanism. For those of you who know you’re in a job you hate, you likely go numb just to get through the day. Perhaps you’re even in denial that it’s time to move on because it’s scary to face and unknown and all the work it takes to find the next step.
  • Bargaining: You may be playing over in your mind what you could’ve done differently to not have been fired or downsized or perhaps you’re making deals with yourself that if you can last two (five, ten, fifteen) more years, you’ll finally do or have that thing you’ve been putting off so it’s worth staying.This stage is holding off reality with all your might. If you catch yourself bargaining, realize what’s really going on.
  • Depression: Everything is real and registering emotionally now. You might feel helpless or like you’re rolling in a wave in the ocean that has overtaken you and you’re not sure how you’ll get out.Practice being patient with yourself. You are grieving, after all. Get professional help from a therapist if depression persists. Professionals recommend seeking help if symptoms persist more than two weeks.
  • Anger: Heck yes, there will be anger! You didn’t ask (or plan) to be without a job or disrupting the status quo of your life and livelihood! You have every reason to be mad.If you are leaving a position or career by choice, having surprise setbacks, or hitting obstacles to getting to your new destination can frustrate you and maybe even make you angry at yourself for leaving a ‘sure’ thing. You’ll likely get made and question the whole attempt.Do not despair! This is normal. Hopefully, you can start to channel that anger into determination instead of defeat.
  • Acceptance: In time, we assimilate the loss. Whether it’s the loss of the job itself, the identity that came with it, the stability you mourn or the people you used to be with almost every day, you will reconcile with reality and find a path forward.
Grief is serious emotional work, and it can take its toll on you. Seek professional help if the feelings are overwhelming. Journal about it.

Accept that there will be negative and positives, good days, and slower, heavier days. Working with a like-minded group of folks in a group where folks are up to the same goals or similar circumstances might help too.

In closing, remember that grief is a normal part of being human, even in the context of job and careers. There is no shame in it. There is a new chapter trying to emerge. Keep looking for the possibilities instead of focusing on what you are leaving behind. Keep moving forward.

*Your Criteria for Happiness is one of the modules/chapters of our Now What?® 90 Day to a New Life Direction book, online course and one on one coaching.

Life Lessons From A Disney Vacation

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Life Lessons From A Disney VacationAfter every holiday gathering, show and fun plan fell apart over the month of December, my family decided to forge ahead with our vacation to Orlando, Florida that we had been looking forward to for months. My young-adult children had their sights set on Disney (15 years after their childhood visit) and we just had to take the (COVID) risk and go.

The week in the parks put a spotlight on some lessons that might be worth sharing.

Planning

I can honestly say that many of my life’s highlights were moments that were unplanned but making dreams come true seamlessly takes a dance of flexibility and structure.

Getting reservations for meals at Disney is a competition that requires 5:40am wake up calls. Two days of failed attempts did not yield a spot at Cinderella’s Royal Table. We didn’t do that when my twins were six so it was on the 21 year old girl child’s must-do list. By day three of my failed attempts at the most desirable experiences, I had perfected a multiple-tabs-open strategy and landed a perfect dinner reservation in the castle. Whew!

So planning was key but the unplanned made the experience soar. We were pleasantly surprised that the ridiculously overpriced food was excellent AND that the servers cared so much that they made sure to move us to a window seat for dessert so we could watch the nightly fireworks from inside the castle. Oh my! Magic. My twenty somethings were struck like little kids and mom scored major points.

Lesson: Prepare AND let go! The magic is in the moment. The preparation creates the moment.

Values Are Your Guide

When I planned my wedding, I had a dream location in mind that was a 1940’s supper club. The price was so prohibitive that my budget would’ve allowed ten people at my wedding. I valued being surrounded by loving friends more than the location, so we changed plans.

Values informed the approach to the parks trip too. Staying on property at Disney comes with perks but I cared more about a) a place to spread out with a family of five (vrbmo) and b) not waiting on lines. The ridiculous system at the parks these days is about paying more for the privilege to skip the lines and yet I played that game. It was worth every dime to me.

Lesson: Values rule your choices, not marketing

Humans are thrill-seekers

It is astounding what we put up with to have a peak experience. Despite some fantastically short waits, our luck ran out on the Star Wars Rise of the Resistance ride. We couldn’t buy our way on or take the single rider line nor plan a fortuitous time to bypass the wait. SO, we waited AND the ride broke down adding to the time stuck in place. But guess what? People behaved. People entertained themselves and each other. Phones sure help pass the time and the ride was WORTH IT.

Climbing EVEREST, jumping out of a plane, building your body to peak shape—-whatever it is, we endure pain to win the prize.

Lesson: We will test our own limits to gain a thrill or a perceived prize.

Surrender Allows Wonder

By the time you board an attraction at these parks, you’ve done the hard work. (planning, scheming, waiting) You sit down, strap in and prepare to enter the unknown (or relive the familiar waiting to gain something new). Often, it’s more than your senses can absorb.

Wonder is the key ingredient and the trip begins. Is this why people indulge in psychedelics? Is this why virtual reality is so popular? There is a great adventure in crossing over from anticipation to real-time experience of the unusual and unknown. It’s a visit to the ‘beginner’s mind’ as well—taking in as much as you can, your senses and brain firing on all cylinders, your willingness to stay fully present (unless you are one to need to close your eyes), and landing on the other side assessing your experience. Was it good? What is disappointing? Do you need another turn to catch more of it?

Lesson: Life can be as thrilling if we mimic this suspension of disbelief

Last thought: “Is it really a vacation if you have to get up before dawn and have to walk 24K steps a day?”

Answer: Heck yes! We came home down on the scale after eating anything we wanted and donated a fridge full of midnight snacks we never ate (because we went to bed way before that) and NOBODY CAUGHT COVID!

Take a lesson and try it on for size.

* This was by no means meant to be an endorsement or guide to these attractions.
** I realize the privilege and ridiculousness of participating in the game.

Is It Time for Your Own Business?

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According to the Census Bureau, more than 4.4 million new businesses were created in the U.S. during 2020 — the highest total on record. For reference, that’s a 24.3% increase from 2019 and 51.0% higher than the 2010-19 average. Half a million new businesses were started in January 2021, alone.*

What does that mean for you if you’re thinking of making the leap? It’ll mean you’re not alone, you’re not crazy and that the time has finally come for you to oversee your own schedule and destiny.

Will it be easy? NO.

But is it possible? YES.

Here are some things to consider if you’re contemplating your corporate exit:

Time

Will you create a side-hustle or leap in full time? It can take one to three years to build a sustainable service business depending on your network and propensity for hustle.

Money

It’s not out of the question to be able to start a service-based business with a few thousand dollars if equipment is not needed, but it’s all about how fast you can get cash coming in.

Figure out if you’ll be funding this yourself and how long you can go without an income as you build. If you are going to try to secure funding from family and friends, make very clear agreement and discuss each other’s expectations.

Here is a general idea of some things to budget for and what to think about.

What are you selling?

Where your original idea can change over time, it’s important to know what you are offering and for how much. How will the marketplace value your service? Does it match what you hope for? Do some informal market research speaking to several people you feel might be potential customers down the road. Find competitors and get a sense of what is working out there.

(Note: If you test this with friend, they will not be a good gauge of your worth in the marketplace. They are not likely to offer up big numbers that they wouldn’t pay themselves but remember others might)

Gaps in strengths and knowledge

You have to be honest with yourself. What is the skill you can’t wait to charge for? The result you can’t wait to create? Then, ask yourself what could get in the way of you being paid to use/create that? Are you afraid to talk to people? Are you unclear about how to market your service or even how to have a sales conversation? Do you have a hurdle to climb when it comes to understanding the technology, you’ll need to be all things as a solopreneur?

It is critical that you do an honest assessment and start upgrading your skills to fill the gaps or identify a partner or help that could be a part of the business to make it succeed.

Your odds

Just like adding kids to your life, or buying a home, you can’t wait for the perfect timing because there is no such thing. However, the trend is here and it’s a favorable time. Remember though, that according to JP Morgan Chase statistics, roughly a third of new businesses exit within their first two years, and half exit within their first five years. The survival rate of new businesses has been remarkably consistent over time.

All that means for you is to do your homework and prepare. Consistency of action, some planning, and a tremendous amount of gumption (fear is a good motivator!) are what will put you over the top.