Now What?® Coaching

from Laura Berman Fortgang

Now What Coaching

Social Media Brown Out

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August 1st ends my month-long social media blackout. I successfully took a full break from creating any content or outreach via social media or email, and it was an energizing exercise! That part of the break was easy. The harder part was staying off social media altogether. So, honestly, it was a brown out.

I purposely took the social media apps off my phone, so access was not immediate. Nonetheless, the addiction ran deep. I cut my screen time by more than half, but I still found myself taking the extra steps to access the apps and take a look. I posted a few stories on my Instagram just because it was fun.

The reason I took a break, which I shared in my last newsletter, was to recover from caregiver burnout. My body was in constant fight or flight mode, and I did find it very helpful to reduce the adrenaline/dopamine hits that checking in constantly can cause.

What I Learned:
  • Less is More: My Instagram grew more in the month I only posted stories (no reels, no posts) and held followers better than the previous month where we were posting almost daily.
  • Lost My Ability to Sit Still: Although checking social media on my phone was WAY down, I still did it. It was a constant itch I wanted to scratch, and I’m not happy about that. I regularly meditate and take THAT time, but WOW, was it eye-opening to see how I’m addicted to my phone!
  • Social Media is Social: Part of checking in on social media when I said I wouldn’t was because I missed people. Social media has become a way to be up-to-date on people I know and care about (at least the part they share publicly). It is a fact of our society that there just aren’t enough hours in our modern life days to call, write, or spend a lot of time checking in with those we care about. For example, my oldest kid is deep into his new career success, and social media lets me know more than a phone call would yield right now.
What I’ll Change:
  • I’m not putting the apps back on my phone. Making it harder to access is working in checking less often and being more present.
  • Posting for business can take on a new pace; one that works for me instead of being a slave to the “shoulds” and the algorithms.
  • I will pay more attention to burnout signs like constant “fight or flight” states and an inability to stay on task. I’ll take more unapologetic and full breaks BEFORE it becomes a crisis.

Like everything I share, I hope this helps you think about your social media consumption, and the load you are carrying during these incredibly challenging times.

Please know you’re not alone. Here is another article that might interest you on coping with burnout.

Start With Dessert

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We save the “best for last.” We “treat” ourselves with the satisfying pleasure of tantalizing sweets at the end of the meal. That finishing touch.

How does our propensity for dessert relate to knowing what’s right for our lives or career?

Dessert just feels so good as a taste sensation. Career and life satisfaction feels so good too, and we expect it to be the reward of hard work or a good decision. We experience it as a result.

What if, instead, we interpret that sensation as a guide? What feels good is a sign to keep going in that direction.

When clients pay handsome dollars to gain clarity by working with me, they want to go right into their analytical thinking, measuring if I can possibly be smart enough to know what they are built to do with their lives. How do I know? What will I do with them that will make them know too?

Oof. It’s exhausting.

There is little that is analytical about my process. It’s a process to get you to FEEL again. No deep breathing exercises, no meditation assignments nor long journaling assignments.

Nothing wrong with those methods, but I support my clients to feel their way out of the lack of clarity through a set of questions. Then, I measure the level of BS in the answers based on how it feels to me and to them. Sound crazy? Maybe, but it works.

You can start paying attention to how things feel for you right now. Feels good? Proceed. Feels wrong? Nothing will change that and the longer you ignore it, the worse it will get.

Now for the murky territory: Fear. Fear feels bad. Fear can be a reaction to something that feels good too!

It feels good to be creative (let’s just say), but fear kicks in right away that it’s not sustainable, or people will not like what you create, or you can’t make time for something not related to your current job.

In my recent work with a very unhappy career salesperson in their 40’s, he was sure he was ready for a change until he landed on what felt right as a future direction.

He knew it was right, the exercises we did confirmed it, his financial situation presented no obstacles to the change, BUT he was terrified. What if he failed? What if he wanted to get his job back and couldn’t? What if, what if, what if?

Dessert was ruined by the fear of gaining weight!

Nooooooo! Enjoy the dessert. Follow the feeling. Decide by how it feels.

DISCLAIMER: NO GLUTTONY

Are You Sorry? Really?

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Here’s a question for you: How many times a day do you find yourself saying, “I’m sorry.” If you took the time to count, I’d wager that many of you are saying those two words more often than you think.

Here’s my take on this – STOP IT!

I’m not saying you should abdicate responsibility when you do something wrong. What I am saying is that if you find yourself apologizing all day, every day, it’s time to evaluate why you do this and put a stop to it.

In my 27 years of coaching, I’ve noticed that this phenomenon is far more common with women. Why do women apologize for things when they didn’t do anything wrong? In many cases it’s because they are highly empathetic. Women often anticipate how others may feel or react and try to preemptively mitigate any damage with an “I’m sorry.”

The reality of life is that not every conversation with friends, family, or co-workers is going to be easy. You will need to have tough conversations to create and live the life you want. It’s so much easier to have these tough conversations when you release the burden of anticipating how others will react to what you are saying. Everyone is responsible for his/her own reactions and emotions. You’re not responsible for how the other person is going to react to the message that you are delivering!

I had an assistant for many years who had a habit of starting off statements with an apology. When she needed my assistance, she would say things like, “I’m sorry. Can I have five minutes of your time?” However, as our relationship progressed, I refused to let her apologize. I worked with her on skipping over the “I’m sorry to interrupt you,” or “I’m sorry, I hate to bother you,” and cut to the chase. There’s nothing wrong with simply saying “I have an issue that needs your attention. Please let me know when you have five minutes today to discuss this.”

Here is a quick and actionable tip you can use if you find yourself struggling with this. Turn that apology into a thank you. Instead of “I’m so sorry, I can’t make that work,” say “Thank you for thinking of me. I’m not going to be able to make that work.” Starting with a “thank you” allows the conversation to stay on equal footing. When you are constantly apologizing, it can make you appear less confident and competent.

Even if you’re late to a meeting, where it is appropriate to apologize for keeping someone waiting, you can say, “Thank you for waiting. I didn’t mean to be rude by being late. I was caught in traffic.”

So the next time “I’m sorry” is at the tip of your tongue, pause to evaluate whether an apology is needed. If not, change it into a thank you, and then go about your day knowing that you’re communicating with confidence.

What situations make you want to apologize?
Please comment and let me know.

WAKE UP! Feel Your Way to A New Career

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Stop thinking!

Rationalizing, logically ruminating, and plotting are not the most successful ways to figure out what’s next for you in your career and work life. They are good skills and have worked before. However, once you’ve landed on my site or email list, you’re frustrated and looking for new answers.

I’ve got them.

Wake up to how you’re feeling to move the needle on your career exploration!

How you’re feeling is a much better indicator of career satisfaction than thinking.,
do you feel about doing your current job?
How do you FEEL about the things you’d do if you could wave the “magic coaching wand?”
Two different feelings, likely. Am I right?

I know. I know.

    “Yeah, I’d love to do that thing (that feels better) but:”

  • I don’t know how to make it happen.
  • No one will hire me.
  • I can’t make any money at it.
  • I’ve invested so much in what I’m doing now.

Did I miss one?

OK. Look. Let’s get real. Yes, there are many obstacles to doing “the thing” that feels right. Biggest one is your thinking (and logic and all that mentioned at the top of this article!) So, what do you do?

Gather the data. What feels right contains data. It’s in your DNA (in my humble opinion); however, we live in a world that doesn’t honor that as it should, but you have to. Harvest this information.

Observe how you can transfer some or all of what feels right into your current situation or a new one that is immediately more attainable.

For example, let’s say that your “magic wand” move would be to be a writer. Finding your way to writing full time and getting paid for it may seem far off, but that should not be a sign to abandon it.

How do you get writing into your life now? Can you do it as a hobby? Can you do more writing at your job? Is there a job change you can make internally that can include more creativity?

Often, the thing we most want to do can be done in some other “form” (novelist vs. adding creativity to your current job) that brings about more satisfaction and fulfillment.

It’s not necessarily a substitute, but rather tapping what you truly want out of being a writer in the first place (to be creative).

This is just one example. Yours is as unique as you are.

What I hope is that you can see that you’ll not logically find your way to a next, satisfying career move. Your body – your feeling – is your best indicator of what’s next.

Wake up. Listen deeply.

Tap us/me if you need an assist.

An Argument for Life-Long Employment

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Maybe it’s being critically aware that I’m part of the sandwich generation or maybe it’s my heightened sensitivity brought on by the war in Ukraine, but the pain of those edging towards the end of their usefulness to the workplace is top of mind.

Few of us will be wealthy enough and most of us will be healthy enough to not fully retire at the traditional time.

Even though retirement is a wonderful, hard-earned privilege, there are many people who want to work after they reach retirement age in some way to give structure and meaning to their lives.

Not only are we living longer, saving is harder in our ever-more expensive world, but with that said, it’s also due to how lost people become when they are no longer ‘needed’ or stop contributing in a way that honors what they are capable of.

My father was made redundant eighteen months short of retirement in a company he worked at for 32 years. Dad was lost for the next 25 years. His identity was that job, the money he made, the travel it included and being needed somewhere every day. He dabbled in a couple of things before he gave up completely, but he was gutted.

My mother worked her whole life and was proactive and strategic. She fulfilled a life goal to go to college and graduated with her bachelors at age 54 and a master’s degree a few years later in library sciences, thanks to her company’s tuition reimbursement plan, which set her up for her post-retirement career.

She loved her work at the library until a bout with cancer and the rough medical treatment made it hard to hide a slower pace at work. Once she was done with treatment, her library boss systematically cut her hours until she was rendered useless and let her go. It was crushing and the loss took its toll on her self-esteem and health.

Employers want productivity and getting their money’s worth. I get it. Yet, how can we reinvent society to allow for people of all ages and capacity to participate in work that matters to them? It’s not just about money.

It’s about structure, meaning and identity. It’s so important to mental health and physical wellness. It makes for happier people and families.

We only have to look at Japanese culture to know it is possible. Older workers are paid higher wages and were guaranteed employment for life.

Pairing older and younger workers for skill exchanges have been run as social experiments. Respect for elders is the norm. Children care for parents. Nursing homes are for abandoned people.

The movie, THE INTERN, starring Robert DeNiro and Anne Hathaway, illustrated how younger workers, especially in leadership roles, dismiss older people, unable to imagine them adding value.

The drama unfolds in a way that the dismissed older worker, the intern, later becomes the boss’s wisest advisor.

Mentors, company historians, partners in systems innovation, problem solvers, trainers—- how can we evolve work so that we value experience? It may not be for everyone, but wouldn’t it be nice to know you’d never be irrelevant?

The way I see it, we evolve as a society this way or we start training kids that career planning is lifelong. There’s a first one, a pivot or two, an upward trajectory and then the homestretch of contributing until you can’t.

Retirement? It’ll be available or desirable for less of us. Meaning and contribution are major drivers when health allows for participating in society.

What do you think? Do you dream of a leisurely retirement? Do you think about that chapter as another working iteration?
Please comment and let me know.

The Stages of Grief When Changing Careers (By choice or by force)

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Losing a job or choosing to change gears because you’re miserable in your current role, can bring on grief and mourning like the loss of a loved one. That’s probably not surprising if you’ve been suddenly let go, but it may be news to you if you are choosing to move on.

I’m currently working with someone who saw very quickly in our process that leaving their job and current career was no longer a pipe dream but rather, a “must.”

We determined the criteria for happiness* in a career for them. They determined areas of interesting employment that fit that criteria, and then, when there were a couple of obstacles, grief kicked in. They had stepped out into the abyss of the unknown and it was emotionally intense.

If you are working through the morass of change, walk through Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief with me. Knowing the stages, will help you recover from them more easily. You’re not alone and there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re grieving and fearful or maybe someone you love is.

  • Denial, numbness, and shock: Checking out mentally to not feel pain is a common coping mechanism. For those of you who know you’re in a job you hate, you likely go numb just to get through the day. Perhaps you’re even in denial that it’s time to move on because it’s scary to face and unknown and all the work it takes to find the next step.
  • Bargaining: You may be playing over in your mind what you could’ve done differently to not have been fired or downsized or perhaps you’re making deals with yourself that if you can last two (five, ten, fifteen) more years, you’ll finally do or have that thing you’ve been putting off so it’s worth staying.This stage is holding off reality with all your might. If you catch yourself bargaining, realize what’s really going on.
  • Depression: Everything is real and registering emotionally now. You might feel helpless or like you’re rolling in a wave in the ocean that has overtaken you and you’re not sure how you’ll get out.Practice being patient with yourself. You are grieving, after all. Get professional help from a therapist if depression persists. Professionals recommend seeking help if symptoms persist more than two weeks.
  • Anger: Heck yes, there will be anger! You didn’t ask (or plan) to be without a job or disrupting the status quo of your life and livelihood! You have every reason to be mad.If you are leaving a position or career by choice, having surprise setbacks, or hitting obstacles to getting to your new destination can frustrate you and maybe even make you angry at yourself for leaving a ‘sure’ thing. You’ll likely get made and question the whole attempt.Do not despair! This is normal. Hopefully, you can start to channel that anger into determination instead of defeat.
  • Acceptance: In time, we assimilate the loss. Whether it’s the loss of the job itself, the identity that came with it, the stability you mourn or the people you used to be with almost every day, you will reconcile with reality and find a path forward.
Grief is serious emotional work, and it can take its toll on you. Seek professional help if the feelings are overwhelming. Journal about it.

Accept that there will be negative and positives, good days, and slower, heavier days. Working with a like-minded group of folks in a group where folks are up to the same goals or similar circumstances might help too.

In closing, remember that grief is a normal part of being human, even in the context of job and careers. There is no shame in it. There is a new chapter trying to emerge. Keep looking for the possibilities instead of focusing on what you are leaving behind. Keep moving forward.

*Your Criteria for Happiness is one of the modules/chapters of our Now What?® 90 Day to a New Life Direction book, online course and one on one coaching.