Inspiration to Follow Your Blueprint

Say It or Act It? Your Results Will Differ

By Laura Berman Fortgang on March 3, 2024

The other day, one of my executive clients told me about some feedback he got during a review. The buzz around the office was that he made people feel stupid.

Whoa…

To be fair, “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” is a bit of wisdom from former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt. True, but should people have to go around letting disparagement and hostility roll off their backs? Of course not.

Using a condescending communication style isn’t a good look for a leader. Having a reputation for talking down to people is no way to gain respect.

But my client isn’t a bully. He never intended to put anyone down or make them feel inadequate. So what the heck was going wrong?

I dug into his story, and here’s what I discovered:

He was frustrated because he found himself repeating the same things over and over…

His tone, facial expressions, and body language showed the frustration.

He was acting out his feelings, rolling his eyes, sighing heavily, and throwing his hands in the air as he expressed his frustration. Definitely not a good look!

Let me be clear. There isn’t anything wrong with expressing frustration, but do everyone a favor and skip the drama. It’s unprofessional, and it’s doing you and everyone around you a disservice.

What should you do instead? Simply state what you’re feeling. “I’m feeling frustrated that I have to repeat myself, but here’s what I’d like you to do.”

Whether you’re talking to your team members, coworkers, kids, or spouse, SPEAK the emotion rather than acting it out and spewing it at them.

Remember, perception is reality. If you give off the impression that you’re unreasonable and egotistic, there will be consequences in how your team operates. People will avoid you, problems will fester, and you’ll miss out on growth opportunities.

Consider the ripple effect of your actions and find ways to improve how you communicate. Say it, instead of acting it out!

The Truth in Coaching

By Laura Berman Fortgang on February 4, 2024

When I started in the coaching industry 20+ years ago, most people were unfamiliar with the term “coaching” — outside of sports, of course. These days, I rarely meet someone who doesn’t know what coaching is — in the context of life, health, business, or careers.

We’ve come a long way! But when it comes to recognizing the difference between a skilled coach and someone who just slapped on a title? Not so much.

Coaching isn’t a regulated industry. You don’t need a license or specific training to call yourself a coach, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing; it allows for autonomy and creative freedom. However, when hiring a coach, you need to know what you’re getting into. And when you are a coach, you need to know what skills help your clients get results. What makes a coach good at their job?

You may have heard me say I’m a Master Certified Coach (MCC), the gold standard credential in coaching, issued by the International Coaching Federation. To earn this designation, I had to demonstrate evidence of advanced coaching skills and meet certain standards. It’s something I take seriously.

BUT the credential itself isn’t what makes me, or anyone else, a good coach. What makes someone a good coach is the skill of telling the truth.

Most people avoid the truth at worst or tell “polite” truths at best.

An effective coach will call you on your stuff and tell you the truth in a snap. We won’t let it slide.
Does this mean good coaches are all-knowing truth-tellers? Of course not.
It means we’re able to recognize incongruencies — when you say something that doesn’t match your actions, or when you act in a way that’s out of alignment with the groundwork and goals we’ve established.

For example —

You: My family is the most important thing to me.

Skilled coach: You mentioned that your family is important, but you also shared with me that you haven’t spent any time with your family this month. In what ways are you prioritizing your family? Where else are you directing your attention? What’s really getting your time?

It’s the coach’s job to pay close attention, notice when something is “off,” and question it. Inquiring into what you say, think, and do is what helps you see the truth — YOUR truth.

I know we’re getting somewhere when a client says, “Wow, that’s a really good question,” or — better yet, “I hate you for asking me that.” Bingo – we’re onto something!

It’s important to remember that when you enter into a coaching relationship, you’re agreeing to get called out on your stuff. You’re signing up for the truth … because living in our truth is where we all want to be.

This is how coaching changes lives and organizations. You have to answer some tough questions and confront big truths about yourself, your leadership (we are all leaders somewhere, even if it’s just with family) and your choices. Are you ready to face facts?

If you’re a coach, you need to learn how to work with the truth — to ruffle feathers (but in a productive way), and to uncover layers so you can get to the good stuff. It’s a skill set that requires training and practice.

Break Out of the Norms You Set for Yourself

By Laura Berman Fortgang on August 20, 2023

Break Out of the Norms You Set for Yourself

I had to take a forced break from my usual live broadcast and my newsletter topic plan this past week due to my mother being in the hospital.

Between both my parents, other family members, and one of my children’s childhood spent in hospitals, I’ve been here all too many times.

HERE is disrupted, in hyper-vigilance, learning on the fly. It’s making important decisions while watching the American healthcare system flail and often fail to meet the needs of those that require care.

HERE is sitting with loads of time on my hands while I’m bedside to advocate for my loved one’s care, but not having enough brain power to do anything productive or move business forward.

HERE is going through every full-time job in your mind of what will be required to get your loved one to the next stage of care (or resuming their life) without being able to do anything to prepare because you have no idea when you have to activate a plan or what level of functioning you have to prepare for.

You can’t know until you know, which makes everything a last minute rush to an invisible finish line.

Good healthcare workers are heroes. Truly. I’m so grateful for those that truly care and fight alongside me for the care my loved ones need.

What I want to impart here is a call to action to wake up to your own life and shake yourself out of inertia. As I watch my mother struggle with a watershed moment where she is only likely to get worse and not better, I put forth this message to not let your life pass you by.

I’m not sharing about this personal challenge for your attention or sympathy. I don’t need it nor want it. I’m sharing to encourage you to shake off whatever is holding you back and take a bold action to move your life forward.

As hard as it seems, as impossible it appears to reach your desired outcome, as hopeless as your past results may make you feel, do something to break out of the norms you have set for yourself.

Yes, you have set them for yourself. You’ve accepted certain behaviors from yourself or others, you’ve let circumstances curb your possibilities, you may have even given up.

STOP THAT NOW.

Imagine sitting bedside (maybe some of you have) watching a loved one deteriorate to a shadow of their former selves. Imagine the things they never did and wanted to do.

The things they didn’t know how to say and never will. The wonderful things they did that they could never repeat again. What would that stir you to do?

Maybe it’s time to look at your bucket list. Maybe it’s just your to-do list that need a glance where you might find all the items are absurd in the bigger scheme of things.

Maybe it’s a look at your goals to find out if they’re really yours or better represent things you think you SHOULD do vs. really want to do. Maybe it’s just doing NOTHING and enjoying your life for a while that is the call. I don’t know, but you likely do.

I have nothing cataclysmic to share about what another round of being bedside is doing for me. Right now, it’s just draining and anxiety producing to not know what I’m preparing for.

So please, take heed. Break out of your fog. Take the driver’s seat of your life.

How to Bounce Back After Disappointment

By Laura Berman Fortgang on August 13, 2023

At some point, we all face disappointment.

Whether you get passed over for a promotion, lose a big client, your new program launch flops, or your business partner bails on you — things don’t always go as we hoped…and frankly, it sucks

But although feeling let down is perfectly normal, dwelling in disappointment won’t do you any good

It’s okay to be a little bummed, but you also need to be able to bounce back

And the key to bouncing back is a little trick called letting go.

The Buddhists believe that any pain we have is because we’re attached — to an outcome, to a person, to an expectation, etc. So their tradition, it’s all about practicing non-attachment.

Letting go is easier said than done, but it’s a powerful practice.

Think about it this way — nothing is permanent anyway. When the trees bloom in the springtime, the beauty is fleeting and followed by blossoms shriveling and falling away.

The idea is to feel emotions and experiences, be with your feelings, and let it go.

How does this apply to disappointment?

When you face disappointment, the level of pain you experience depends on how attached you were to the outcome.

But you might be thinking to yourself, “Wait, Laura, how am I supposed to achieve my goals if I don’t care about results?”

I get it; this advice seems counterintuitive for people who are ambitious, looking to make a career change, or eager to grow a business.

But here’s the thing —

When you’re working on something, of course you want it to come to be. However, the success journey is a fine dance of duality and rationality.

If you face disappointment, you’re going to mourn. Allow the feeling, sit with it, and set some parameters. How long are you going to give it?

That dream job or dream client slipped through your fingers? Give yourself three days to wallow mire, get back up, brush yourself off, and keep going.

Here are a few tips that work for me.

Say to the universe or whatever higher power you believe in: This or something better! If one thing doesn’t work out, let it be what clears the path for something meant for you.
Become a student and ask, “What did I learn from this?” Remember, whatever you picked up in this process is valuable, and regret is useless.
Focus on what you do have. Whether than giving all the power to the thing you lost, put your attention on what’s already yours or what you’ve gained or can gain because of the loss.
Stay in action. Movement is your friend and stagnant is an enemy that’s sure to set you back.

No matter how gut-wrenching it might feel at the time, you’ll get through it and on to bigger and better things. Soon enough, the disappointment will be behind you, and it’ll all work out in the end.

How To NOT Quit on Yourself

By Laura Berman Fortgang on August 6, 2023

When you’re working towards a goal, quitting often seems like the easy way out.

Everyone wants to throw in the towel sometimes — when the going gets tough, when you hit a hiccup, or when you’re just not feeling up to it.

Getting up every day, chugging along, and doing what it takes — no matter what — isn’t always easy.

And sometimes quitting just makes good sense.

But if you really want something, quitting — on your career, your business, or yourself — isn’t the way to go.

If you give up now, chances are you’ll kick yourself later. I’ve seen it lead to a lot of regret.

I’ve even seen quitting become a habit. People do it again and again and never get to where they want to go.

Far too many disappointments and broken dreams could’ve been avoided, if only they’d learned how to NOT quit, which may sound easier said than done, but it’s actually quite simple.

There’s only ONE way.

THE key to getting through tough times is to focus on the bigger picture.

Laser in on something bigger than you.
What’s the goal?, your mission? and the greater cause behind what you want?

Here’s what I mean —

I’m working with a team right now that’s under a lot of pressure. Their industry is taking a hit, they’ve been through rounds of layoffs, and morale is at an all-time low. But this team is playing a crucial role in the organization, so they need to stay on their game and focused on the mission, which is producing work for an important cause. It’s their collective passion for that cause that’s keeping them going while the going is tough.

So, what’s your personal cause? It may be something different in every scenario.

If you feel like quitting, look for something bigger.

Think about it. One of the best ways to get yourself out of a funk is to do something for somebody else.

If you’ve been around for a while, you may know that I went through a period of severe depression in my 20s. The best thing I did for myself was to begin helping people who were less fortunate, delivering food to individuals who were shut in with illness or old age. It changed the trajectory of my life!

It’s not all about keeping your nose to the grindstone. Look for the greater meaning in the work itself. If you don’t find it there, seek meaning all around you.

Hitting your business goals may allow you to give more financially to causes that matter. Changing careers may allow more flexibility in your schedule to volunteer at your kids’ school.

It doesn’t have to be altruistic. Making that next sale or bonus could fund a girl’s trip to Napa Valley you’ve been craving, or a dreamy backyard makeover, or bump up retirement by a year.

THE key to getting through tough times is to focus on the bigger game.

So, what do you do?

By Laura Berman Fortgang on June 11, 2023

Whether you’re at a cocktail party, networking event, business mixer, or your kid’s baseball practice, it never fails…

Someone’s going to ask you THE question: “So, what do you do?”

Considering I’m a career and business coach, you’d think I LOVE this question. But no. It bugs me too.

Call it PTSD from when I first started out in the coaching industry — long before most people ever heard of coaching that didn’t involve Olympic gymnasts or football teams…

Or chalk it up to the countless hours I’ve spent reassuring anxious career changers and budding business owners that
a) their work isn’t their worth
and
b) their career doesn’t define their identity.

But I think asking it at every turn is an unfortunate social norm.

I’d much rather answer, “So, who ARE you?”

And go deep with:
“I’m someone who cares deeply about X.”
“I’m someone who has devoted my life to Y.”
“I’m someone who is driven by Z.”

We are so much MORE than what we DO.

You’re more than a copywriter, real estate agent, or coach. You’re a whole person with a whole life and meaning and value that has nothing to do with how you earn your living.

But, hey — we live in the real world with real bills, and nailing our answer to “What do you do?’” can open doors and opportunities.

Here’s the thing —

You’re boring yourself and your new acquaintance with the same old “copywriter,” “real estate agent,” “coach” answer. We have the opportunity to share so much MORE about how we are and what we bring to the world through our work.

A better way to think about it is this: what RESULTS do you create? In other words, talk about outcomes.

My quick answer? Depends on who I’m talking to.
“I help people figure out what they want to do with their lives.”
– or –
“I help coaches to raise their income and impact.”

This makes me feel good about the difference I’m making to the world, but more importantly — it piques interest and starts a conversation.

And it works for any job.

Copywriter: “I wordsmith products into profit.”
Real Estate Agent: “I help people find their dream home.”
Coach: “I help leaders look forward to Monday morning.”

Now you’ve got people’s attention. Throw out your title, and they’ll probably change the subject or possibly even make incorrect assumptions about what you truly do.

Offer them a results-focused teaser, and you’re inviting them to ask more.