Now What?® Coaching

Category: Lessons Learned

How (and Why) to Forgive in Time for the Holidays

The holiday season is upon us, which brings with it a mixed bag of feelings for many folks.

There’s a lot of talk about gratitude this week, which is important, of course…

But let’s face it, sometimes we’re not exactly in a grateful mood — especially when gathered around the table with people who push our buttons, or when avoiding gatherings with people who’ve hurt us, or when being haunted by feelings of abandonment by those missing from the table.

This time of year kicks up a lot of emotion; it can be rough.

However, I’ve found one of the best ways to brighten a dampened holiday spirit is to practice forgiveness.

Hold on – bear with me here. I’m not asking you to accept unacceptable behavior.

What I am encouraging you to do is detox your system from the poisonous effects of holding onto pain from the past, whether it’s a slight grudge or a deep wound.

Forgiveness is for you, not the person who hurt you.

People come from the limit of their own growth and experience.

If someone has transgressed, trespassed, or done something bad, understand this: they’re doing the best with what they have.

It doesn’t mean they’re right; they could be dead wrong. It simply means that, for whatever reason, that person is (or was) limited by their own growth and experience. Something went wrong somewhere, somehow.

Forgiving isn’t excusing. It’s about gaining freedom from the thing that’s weighing on you.

Here’s how to do it —

Step One: Accept that the person is/was limited. No matter how lacking or wrong their actions.

Step Two: Imagine the future YOU want for yourself. Do you want to get along with this person? Do you want to go “no contact” with this person? Decide what outcome you desire.

Step Three: Detach yourself from the situation and the outcome. Stop giving it energy. Don’t add fuel to the fire. No more talking about it, venting about it, or thinking about it. Focus on moving on.

Remember — whether you choose to keep this person in your life or remove them from your life completely — forgiving does not mean you are making what they did (or continue to do) okay.

This is not giving this person your blessing.

You’re not agreeing with behavior that goes against your value system.

Simply practice forgiveness for your own good.

May you forgive and may you be forgiven.

For those who celebrated, I hope the Thanksgiving holiday was a bright moment!

November 26, 2023
How to Create Your Own Luck
Do you ever find yourself thinking, “she’s so lucky”?

Maybe you’re scrolling through your socials and see the woman who has it all — a successful career, a beautiful home, a seemingly perfect family, and a timeline full of vacation photos.

Or maybe you find yourself scoffing, “she’s just lucky.’

You stumbled across your competition quoted in the New York Times, learned your coworker got a big promotion, or heard that a coach who started her business after you landed a major book deal and hit multiple six figures this year.

We all do it sometimes.

But are they really luckier than you?

Maybe…

But did they also play a part in creating their own luck?

Without a doubt!

Sure, some people are born on third base, but there are no guarantees. No matter where you’re starting or what your circumstances are, your best bet to strike it lucky is to go out there and create the circumstances by which luck can find you.

I always say, one of the biggest benefits of coaching is that it helps you learn how to create your own luck.

If you want to become a luckier person, here’s what to do —
1. Clear the slate.
  Get rid of the things that aren’t serving you — unfinished business, belongings you don’t need, baggage from the past, and toxic relationships. Think of your best life as a UFO, hovering and waiting for you to sweep the landing pad free of obstacles.
2. Set boundaries.
  Protect your time. Protect yourself from people who don’t respect you. Create clear guidelines on how you want to be treated and let them be known.
3. Get specific.
  Be explicit about exactly what you want. Hone in on your defined goals. Stay focused on precisely what you’re looking to accomplish. Leave no room for misunderstanding.
4. Take action.
  Take twice as much action as you think you need. Don’t leave anything to mere circumstance; do what needs to get done.
5. Practice detachment (this is the toughest part!)
  Avoid getting too caught up in the outcome. Don’t allow yourself to be crushed if what you want doesn’t work out. Be light about it. Know that you’ve done your best and you’ll be okay either way.
Just as you enjoy a beautiful bouquet of flowers, but have to let it go after about a week, don’t make your goals so precious that you’re hurt by the need to adjust or abandon them.

I wish you great luck as you head into the holidays and begin closing out this year and planning for next.
November 19, 2023
Are You Prepped for Year-End?

We’re heading into the end of the year. How are you feeling about it?

I don’t know about you, but things tend to get edgy around here.

People start to become anxious about hitting their goals and preparing for the year ahead — all while caught in the whirlwind of holiday shopping, navigating festivities, and hunkering down for the winter.

It’s a lot. If you allow it, the anticipation of everything that has to get done can get the best of you.

I always know it’s coming, so I like to get ahead of things and help my clients get prepped for the coming season. With a little readying, it’s possible to avoid the chaos and overwhelm as you wrap up this year and head into the next.

Here’s how —

1. Purge.
Get rid of anything that’s no longer serving you. Whether it’s physical or mental clutter, it’s time to let it go. From old holiday decorations you’ve been meaning to toss to old business offers you’ve held onto for too long—into the 2023 trash bin it goes! Keeping things neat, clean, tidy, and clear of baggage lightens your load and helps you feel in control.

2. Reduce what you tolerate.
Make a list of the things you’ve been putting up with and start crossing off the worst of it. If you’ve been letting people ignore boundaries, it’s time to reestablish them. If you’ve been putting up with clunky systems in your business that waste your time, it’s time to address that. Don’t walk into 2024 permitting the same old agitations to keep irking you.

3. Stock up.
Make sure you have the things you need to endure. You may not need to store food and stack firewood to make it through the winter, but your body is gearing down for a slower, hibernating pace despite your mounting to-do list. What can you have on hand to make the coming months easier?

If you take the time to prep for year-end now, you’ll see that the most important things will begin to emerge for you. You’ll create the space and ease to focus on finishing up what matters.

November 12, 2023
How to Quiet Your Anxiety So it Doesn’t Get the Best of You

Over the past few years, you may have noticed anxiety is at an all-time high.

Dealing with our everyday responsibilities amidst the milieu of a global pandemic, political unrest, economic uncertainty, wars, mass shootings, natural disasters — you name it — isn’t exactly calming to the nervous system.

But hiding under a rock isn’t the answer. So what do you do?

As a coach, it’s my job to help clients navigate their career and business moves. The catch is, none of those moves happen in a vacuum.

If nothing else were going on — to throw a wrench in your plans, impede your decisions, and add stress to the mix — my job would be a piece of cake. But the reality is we’re always going to deal with challenges in our work and life, and the rising prevalence of anxiety has been a big one lately.

To get a handle on your anxiety so it doesn’t get the best of you, here’s what I suggest —

1. Remember, you can only control the things you can control. When you can’t control what’s happening, you only have control over your reaction to it.

2. Do things proactively to calm your nervous system. Exercising, meditating, spending time in nature, and hugging the people you love.

3. Monitor your thoughts. Keep in mind, fear is protective, but it’s not always accurate. Ask yourself if your fears are actually False Evidence Appearing Real. If so, make an effort to stick to the facts.

4. Know that all worry is about a future that’s not here yet. Why are you projecting the worst that can happen when you really have no clue how it will turn out?

5. Take action on the things that matter to you. Do one thing instead of nothing. Even if you make a tiny impact, you’ve made the only difference you can make.

I want you to know you are enough.
You can only do the best you can.

I’ll leave you with this: Namaste 🙏

If you’re unfamiliar with this Hindu term, it means “the divine in me greets the divine in you.”

When we come from the place of seeing the divine in the people we interact with, seeing the better part of everyone, we will bring about peace in ourselves, in our communities, and spread goodwill.

The more we focus on what we can control in ourselves and the more we greet the best in others, the more we keep anxiety at bay.

November 5, 2023
Do You Have a Business or a Hobby?
Almost everyone seems to have entrepreneurial dreams these days.

With remote work becoming the norm, self-employment soaring, and the barrier to entry shrinking, more people are hanging their shingle, claiming to be open for business.

But just because it’s easier to start a business doesn’t mean it’s easy to find success. All too often, people underestimate the level of commitment it takes.

You can approach this one of two ways: as a hobbyist or as an actual business owner. You’re either taking this thing seriously or you’re not.

Are you sincere about building something lucrative and sustainable, or are you just dabbling in a non-committal way?

The answer may surprise you . . .

Because you can claim you’re in it to win, but if your results are showing otherwise, it’s time to get honest with yourself.

Here’s how to tell if your business is really more of a hobby —
1. You avoid talking to people. Rather than having a conversation with a potential client, you’d rather hide behind a website or steer clear of networking opportunities.
2. You don’t follow up. Instead of pursuing business, you leave it to luck.
3. You keep giving discounts. You’re so worried the prospect will say no (and you’ll have to go out and look for another one) that you won’t stand in your value.
4. You’re doing it all. Refusing to hire help, you remain chief cook and bottle washer.
5. You’re inconsistent. You try a little of this and a little of that, but you’re not sticking with anything long enough to make any meaningful progress.
Hobbies are great, but treating your business like a hobby is no way to reach your goals.

Here’s what to do instead —
1. Own it. Put your stake in the ground. Claim it and mean it: “I am a business owner.”
2. Make it clear. You need to get clear on your value, your offer, and your agreements.
3. Know your numbers. Reverse engineer your business to determine exactly what it takes to get the results you are targeting.
4. Identify your SS (your “Special Sauce”). What makes you unique? Know exactly how the value you offer is different from what everyone else is doing.
If you want to keep tinkering and tiddling around, be my guest. But if you want to own your business, make it work for you, and experience success, you’ll have to take a different approach.
October 29, 2023
Human Beings in the Time of War

I’m covering a touchy subject today – and I’m coming to you as a Jewish person.

Yes, I’m going there: war. Specifically, the Israeli and Hamas situation.

I’m not a religious person, but I was raised Jewish and identify as Jewish culturally. I believe Israel has a right to exist. That doesn’t mean I agree with all their policies and politics. However, blaming the people of Israel for what’s happening is like blaming the victims of 9/11 for what America does in the Middle East.

I do agree with what many are saying — that innocent people are caught in the storm, and that is tragic.

It dawned on me this week as we watched the atrocities happening of an anomaly of being human.

We teach our children on the playground not to hit or fight over things or bully others because it never leads to a positive outcome.

In the workplace, coworkers quibble and clash and butt heads — fighting for their spot, vying to get ahead — and we know this only causes more quibbling, clashing, and butting heads. We know cooler heads prevail.

But what happens to humanity in times of war?

War is grownups using children’s tactics on grownup problems.

I’m not making light of any of this, but I know we can do better. I invite you to do better. Focus on humanity.

Remember:
Everybody bleeds. Everybody hurts. Everybody loves.

Even if you and your loved ones are not in Israel or Gaza, you may be suffering from heartbreak. It’s painful to witness.

In times like this — when you feel like you can’t do anything at all — the best thing you can do is evolve. To contribute to an evolution away from hate and toward love.

As a person with white privilege, who is also part of a hated group (a Jew), I can see where people of color are coming from when they say that being quietly “not racist” is not enough.

Those of us who are hated need everyone (including ourselves) to stand up and face our own biases, including our unconscious biases whenever they arise.

How did you react to the news of war? Did you quietly feel like one side or the other “deserved it?” How do you feel about the people who are dying? Why?

What if someone came into your neighborhood and took your loved ones hostage, killed your children, raped, and pillaged? In Israel, Gaza, Ukraine, and countless other places around the world and throughout history, this has been a reality people face.

The onus is on all of us to evolve and grow and stand up and face our bias and to love — at home, in your community, at work, in your business, and everywhere you go.

Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.

October 22, 2023