Now What?® Coaching

from Laura Berman Fortgang

coaching

Is It Good Guilt vs. Bad Guilt?

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If you’re anything like most people, you’re no stranger to feeling guilty.

For some folks, guilt is a frequent companion. They feel bad about seemingly anything and everything — whether they have a good reason to or not.

But for most of us, guilt simply creeps in more often than we’d like.

Quitting a job.
Setting boundaries in a friendship.
Refusing a request.

It doesn’t take much to feel at least a little uncomfortable, sheepish, or ashamed about a choice we’re making, especially when we feel like we’re letting someone down.

But here’s something we often miss —

There’s GOOD guilt and there’s BAD guilt … and the difference matters.

Is It Good Guilt vs. Bad Guilt? by Laura Berman FortgangGood guilt is the kind of guilt that’s telling you you might regret a decision. Maybe you’re not prioritizing the things that mean a lot to you. It’s a nudge to keep you honest and spur positive action.

Bad guilt, on the other hand, is a nag. You’re putting yourself down: I’m not a good friend, I suck at my job, I shoulda done this, I’m bad at that — nothing but a bunch of mishegoss! It’s senseless, not doing you or anyone else any good, and just trying to keep you living by someone else’s set of rules.

I was working with a client recently and this issue came up.

This person is perfectly set up to step out of her job into a business that’s primed for success.

But she feels guilty for leaving the job because other key players have jumped ship. She doesn’t want to leave her team behind, holding the bag, or leave the company in a lurch.

Would leaving make her a bad person? Of course not!

Bad guilt is raging here and yet, there could be an opportunity at hand. Perhaps she can work something out that’s win-win. For example, she could continue to work as a part-time contractor while she gets her bearings in her new business. But ultimately, it’s not her responsibility, and she doesn’t need to sell her dream short just to avoid that guilty feeling.

Here’s the thing —

You are NOT responsible for somebody else’s reaction to something that you want to do.

Obviously, I’m not giving you the okay to do someone harm, but I am telling you to get clear about what’s happening and why you’re letting someone else’s issues interfere with your next move.

You may have to face circumstances or deal with the fallout of your decisions or actions, but don’t let bad guilt stop you from moving forward.

What are you scrappy and hungry for?

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I don’t know about you, but I am “scrappy and hungry, and I’m not throwin’ away my shot…”

If you’re one of the millions of people who enjoyed the hit sensation Hamilton, you may recognize this tune. Consider it our theme song for today.

I believe being scrappy and hungry is one of the under-appreciated keys to success. Sure, we say things like “hard work pays off,” but we tend to look at the people who’ve “made it” as capable, confident, and poised, forgetting they were once just getting started — scrappy, hungry, and willing to take a shot!

Their goals were worth it to them. Going after their dreams was worth the risk of being judged, getting it wrong, and putting in the work.

What about YOU? What are you scrappy and hungry for?

My clients often tell me they want to serve people, make an impact, grow a business, create change in the world, further a cause, make more money…the list goes on. They claim to really want it, but they’re not doing anything about it.

What are you scrappy and hungry for?So my question for them and for YOU is this: If not now, WHEN?

Because I’ve asked it so many times, I have a pretty good idea what your answer is: “I don’t know.” And there’s a good chance you’ll follow that up with, “HOW do I know?”

I’ve noticed we humans have a hard time recognizing when we’re ready. There’s no clear-cut way to know for absolute certain, of course, but there are some telltale signs —

    • You’re miserable.
    • You have an “itch” that keeps nagging at you that something isn’t right.
    • You’re daydreaming a lot, scrolling social media, envying folks who are doing what you want to do.

This is the universe, your internal guidance system, or whatever you believe whispering (or shouting!) at you that it’s time to TAKE YOUR SHOT.

But here’s the sign you most likely won’t get: an undeniable sense that you absolutely, without a doubt, feel ready. If you’re waiting for that, you’ll be waiting forever.

You’re going to have doubts. That’s normal. DO. IT. ANYWAY.

Get scrappy, listen to your hungry desire, and give it a real shot. Make your dream a priority.

Want to write a novel? Wake up every morning and write 1,000 words before getting out of bed.

Want to grow an audience on social media? Start posting valuable content every day; learn what they want from you.

Want to build a business? Focus on getting ONE customer or ONE client, and grow from there.

Is an Identity Crisis Holding You Back in Your Business?

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In my coaching practice, I run into a lot of entrepreneurial spirits.

As people are talking through what they want to do with their life and career, the conversation often takes a familiar turn, and I know what’s coming —
“What I really want is to do my own thing!”

It’s an exciting revelation. Charting your own course and becoming your own boss is the ultimate freedom, and who doesn’t want that?

Well, as it turns out, lots of folks…

Most people like the idea of starting a business, but when it comes down to it, there’s a lot that holds them back.

In particular, they often run up against a doozy that stops them in their tracks … and it might not be what you think.

Sure, the money, resources, and logistics can be a challenge, but an even bigger hurdle tends to be something even closer to home.

If you’re considering venturing into business for yourself, your #1 obstacle is likely to be YOU.

Are YOU, in reality, someone who can own your own business? Is “business owner” an identity you’re ready to take on?

I was talking to a client recently who was kind of a big deal at her job. She’d carved out a successful career and was confident that she had what it takes to go out on her own — until she wasn’t.

As she began to take action, she started to freak out. “What if I don’t know what I’m doing?”

She started having an identity crisis. “What if I’m not cut out for this?”

So I had to get real with her. “The truth is, you don’t know what you’re doing — yet. But you’re learning. You’re planning. And you’re gathering the resources and support you need to set yourself up for success.”

Rather than let an identity crisis knock you off track, it’s best to embrace change as you grow.

Because in business, you’re going to keep growing, evolving, learning and taking on new identities along the way:
– One-on-one service provider to company boss with a team
– Startup founder to established entrepreneur
– Six-figure consultant to seven- or eight- figure mover and shaker
– Best kept secret to PR darling

There are so many different ways your identity will be challenged and shaped through the experience of business ownership. You have to be willing to embrace change and growth.

This might sound easier said than done, but it’s entirely possible. I see it all the time.

The best way I’ve found to adapt smoothly is to look closely at the reality of where you are now and where you want to go.

Is an Identity Crisis Holding You Back in Your Business?Think of it as a Venn diagram —
Circle A) What’s true now?
Circle B) What do I need to succeed?
Overlapping area: What do these two answers have in common?

That’s where the sweet spot is — the new identity you’re able to take on at any given time.

It’s from that sweet spot that you’ll be ready to take on anything!

Have You Noticed?

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Have You Noticed?

Coming out of a week of spring holidays, I’m reminded of something I’d like to share with you.

As you may know, I’m an ordained interfaith minister. In my study of religion, I learned enough about each of the world’s major faith traditions to notice important similarities – interesting stuff!

Something I find particularly fascinating is the tradition of springtime renewal.

Whether Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Pagan, or otherwise, people of many faiths around the world practice rituals of giving up something to move forward into renewal.

Ramadan is about fasting, giving up the pleasure of food.
Passover celebrants go without any leavened bread or bread products.
Forty days of Lent and giving up something precede Easter.

Whether you’re religious or not, there’s a lesson here. You can see it in nature with the new leaves budding from where the old were once shed.

what to keep and what to releaseWe have the power to rise, to be absolved, to be free and clear and fresh . . . when we stop to reflect and let go.

What do you need to let go of to have the renewal of spring?

An unwanted habit that’s harming you.
A toxic relationship that’s weighing you down.
A job or a business that’s no longer serving you.

What awareness can you gain from examining this thing and shedding your attachment to it?

Where can you find release and bring forth a fresh and renewed sense of clarity and promise?

No matter how challenging things may seem right now —

Nature always renews. People have always renewed. So can you!​

How to R.E.P.A.I.R. Broken Relationships

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The #1 key to success and fulfillment in your career or business is the relationships you have —

Relationships with employers or clients, with the people who report to you, and
Relationships with colleagues, vendors, prospects, competitors, or anyone you cross paths with on a given workday,
And most importantly, relationships with the people you love and care about…

But relationships are not always easy, and sometimes they’re downright difficult.

You’re going to deal with people that rub you the wrong way. You’re going to have to put some real effort into establishing and nurturing relationships that are meaningful and mutually beneficial.

And you’re going to run into conflict.

How to R.E.P.A.I.R. Broken RelationshipsEven the strongest relationships get strained, start to unravel, and sometimes break, which is never fun.

Unless it’s time to let that person go, you’ll want to know the best way to go about mending the rift.

Here’s what I recommend when I coach clients on how to R.E.P.A.I.R. relationships:

Responsibility: Did you lose your cool or make a mistake? Chances are, you took some part in what happened. Take responsibility and own it.

Expect Nothing: Don’t expect the person to forgive you or to be angry or stubborn. Just go into the conversation with an open mind and be prepared to address what comes up.

Process Your Emotions: How are you feeling and why? What are you really angry about? What triggered you? Is there an unmet need? Get clear on what’s going on with you before going any further.

Apologize: For real. None of that “sorry IF” stuff. Express genuine regret for what you did and own up to it, without a hint of insincerity.

Invite Response: Don’t assume anything. Make sure everything’s okay. If you’re upset by their comeback, keep your cool. Go back to the beginning and work things out until you come to an understanding.

Agree on Next Steps: Explain how you’re going to move forward in the relationship. Will you do your best not to do it again? What can they expect from you in the future?

Repair: Don’t expect a quick fix. If you’ve broken trust or let someone down, it’ll take work and time to truly mend the relationship and make the bond strong again.

It might be tough, but it will be worth it. Meaningful relationships are too valuable to throw away over a spat, mistake, or misunderstanding.

Sometimes it’s not your fault, but if you played any part in what went wrong, it’s up to you to make it right.

The Unfortunate Cost of Covering All Your Bases

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As a coach, I’m in the business of helping people get what they want — out of their career, their business, and their life.

Over the years I’ve observed a thing or two about wanting, and the many reasons why people often don’t get what they want.

One big reason is that they’re holding tight to the idea that they’ve got to cover all their bases.

I’ve had a few clients recently who were adamant about it.

They were convinced that they had to do everything humanly possible to be absolutely certain that they were giving themselves the greatest shot at success.

Which sounds good, right? Of course you’d want to give your next thing your best effort…

“But what if it takes longer than expected?”
“What if it doesn’t work out the way I hope?”
“What if I fail and fall flat on my face?”

That’s where clinging tight to those bases comes into play.

“I’m excited about opening a wine shop on Main Street, but I should probably keep designing websites on the side.”

“I’d like to focus on working with older widows and divorcées in my coaching business, but young professionals are my bread and butter, so I don’t want to change my marketing messaging.”

“I’m committed to partnering with my brother in his lucrative insurance business, but my old boss just told me about an opening at his new company. I should at least apply.”

Or in my client’s case, she took a severance package, stepped down from her corporate VP role, and made the decision to move in an exciting new direction…

Take a wild guess…

She started applying for more corporate VP roles that she didn’t even want! Slammed the door closed, celebrated her freedom, and then tried to sneak back in.

She claimed she was “just” covering her bases. She was tempted by the “what ifs.”

Look, I get it —
Change is uncomfortable.
Fear of failure is real.
Identities are difficult to shed.
Believing in yourself isn’t easy.
You’ve gathered all sorts of evidence that you’ll never really get what you want anyway.

The unfortunate cost of covering all your basesBut I’m here to tell you, I’ve seen it countless times —
You want to change careers, get a promotion, or launch a business?, and have to go all in!

You might think it’s safer to stick with what you know, but the real danger is getting stuck in what you don’t want.

I know it’s scary, but the key to success is focusing on what’s ahead of you, not what you’re attempting to leave behind.

Trying to cover all your bases only guarantees that you’re not going to get what you want.